Lean in was my focus for 2020. At the end of every year I choose two words that I want to focus on in the new year. I make my choice by seeing what intuitively comes to mind and as 2019 came to a close a phrase emerged. I think most of us can honestly say that no matter what anyone said or felt in 2019 about the new year ahead, no one could have imagined the whirlwind that 2020 would be. It’s a year I never thought I would experience in my lifetime both because of the pandemic and because I got to become a parent. For so many reasons it was the absolute best and also some of the worst.
I just looked up the phrase “lean in” and had no idea that there was a book with that title about women in business. I will have to check that out but from what I can tell after a quick Google search I have another meaning in mind.
For me leaning in has shown up mostly by way of the need to be flexible and to let the moment wash over me without backing away. To lean in to the discomfort of things and the expansion of others.
I leaned into a pregnancy that was challenging including letting go of having the perfect diet; most of the time bread and cheese were all that sounded good and stayed down (those berry and spinach smoothies did save me at the end though) I leaned into cancelled plans: our anniversary trip, family gatherings, my baby shower and blessingway. I leaned into a delivery that didn’t go to plan but also went perfectly because it brought me my sweet baby girl. I leaned into the weird way we have had to parent during a pandemic including wishing I could just have normal amounts of new parent anxiety. I continue to lean into the times when parenting feels strange, hard and unexpected. There are times I feel completely unprepared, unqualified and ineffective. Those times I have to lean into crying right along with my little one and asking for extra hugs from my husband. I leaned into changing course with my career after fully planning to return to my hospice job after maternity leave. I leaned into sleep deprivation like a champ I must say. It was one of my biggest fears about parenting and somehow you do just get through it. Lack of sleep has also made for some of our most funny interactions and misunderstandings as parents.
I have also leaned into the heart opening that occurs and expands daily by being a mom. Just when I think I have felt as much love as I can feel, my daughter changes and morphs into a little person I love even more. Leaning into parenthood means simultaneously being heart broken that she is growing so fast and being ridiculously excited for all the stages she has yet to reach. I have no choice but to lean into the bliss that is nursing her, playing with her, singing to her and just looking into her sweet face and eyes. As many times as I have been in tears about the difficult moments, multiply that by a few and you might get close to the times I have been bowled over by the fact that she chose me as her mama. Even as I lean into the love I feel for her it can still feel absolutely overwhelming. I lean into the expansion of watching my husband parent and how we get to navigate being a team in a whole new way. I leaned into an easeful transition from hospice social worker to virtual therapist. When I made the difficult decision to not return to my previous job I asked that something “easy” emerge so I leaned in fully when everything fell into place. Working from home requires some leaning in as well. From technology glitches to setting up my office space to navigating the challenges of being a working mom. I’ve already had to lean into disappointing people or cancelling on work to take care of her, something I know I will have to do many more times. I have a lot to say about society’s expectation for moms to successfully prioritize work and raising children equally and simultaneously but I’ll save that for another post.
Leaning in looks like gratitude as well. This year has collectively been the most difficult year I have seen in my lifetime but I also realize as the apt metaphor goes; we are all in the same storm but not all in the same boat. My little family and my greater family have all been very lucky to have jobs and safe places to live and so far our health. I know not all families can say that and I lean into the absolute privilege that has created the conditions for our “luck.” Leaning into my privilege also means I have the obligation not to forget those who are not so fortunate. This is an ongoing endeavor and one that requires constant reminders and action steps
As this year comes to a close with hopefully better days ahead, I lean into the change in power that is coming with great anticipation. I know the new administration will be a breath of fresh air, not because they are exactly what we need but because the leaders of the past four years have been so out of touch and full of hate. I lean into the reality that we still have a long way to go. I hope I can be part of the change and continue to question the status quo and demand more.
In 2021 I want to “Embrace Life” and damnit I hope that’s literal with some much needed hugs outside my small bubble.
