Disconnect from the Great Connector

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I love food! I’m one of those people who is thinking about food while I am eating food. Meal planning is a favorite hobby of mine and a game my mom and I used to play involved coming up with the most delicious thing you wished you were eating.

I was once a very picky eater and now am picky by choice. I’ve been a vegetarian my entire adult life and I try to stay in the realm of what I would consider healthy. Although it hasn’t always been the case, it’s getting easier and easier to be vegetarian, especially in California. I can typically always eat something close to what everyone else is having or will be offered an acceptable alternative.

My acupuncturist recently asked me to do a liver detox to address some imbalances he detected. I knew that I was going to have to do something like this so I have been mentally preparing. For three weeks I am giving up most of the tasty things I enjoy including dairy, gluten, sugar, alcohol and pretty much anything processed. I am only 7 days into a 21 day process but I am noticing how much food connects us to social experiences and pleasure.

In the last week I have been in various situations where I have had to decline the food being offered. It feels isolating to be the girl either not eating or eating something completely different. But I know it is temporary and it is tolerable. My health is my goal and that is so very worth it. Also, it is purely privilege that I am even able to restrict my diet for a specific purpose.

I can’t help but think about the parallel to life in this experience. How many people feel isolated and disconnected from society as a whole on a regular basis? How many people are always the ones who don’t fit the mold in any given situation? And for how many people is it not at all temporary?

It’s definitely not the first time I have felt disconnected from what’s considered the norm nor will it be the last but I find it interesting to observe the feelings that arise. Longing, worry about being judged, sadness, and feeling left out are just a few and this is only food folks!

The life experiences that this parallels are much larger and more permanent issues. It leaves me with a sense of compassion for the outsiders of the world. I am motivated to finish this challenge not only for my own health but also for the perspective that it grants me.

Cheers Wisdom

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It’s been three months since my husband and I moved back to San Diego. Catching up with family and friends and eating lots of good food has occupied our time. We have even gotten to see some San Jose friends who made the trip down for one reason or another. It finally feels real that we are home.

I was recently reminded of the importance of being seen and how settling that feels to my system. One Saturday night we went to a concert where a friend was playing. It was expected that we would run into people who also know this badass percussionist (check them out – Golden Hour) but I also encountered not one but two other friends from completely different areas of my life. The first time it happened it was sweet and unexpected, but during the warm embrace of the second encounter I was reminded that we do just want to go where everybody knows our name. At least I do.

For those of you who remember the series Cheers, the theme song lyrics stated “sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name….and they’re always glad you came” But the show was also known for a repeated scene when a regular customer would walk in and be greeted by a stereo of voices calling his name…”Norm!”

When I moved to San Jose it was one of the losses I felt most strongly when we first arrived. I didn’t know anyone. I considered it a great success when I ran into someone I knew from yoga at the grocery store. That simple act of recognition made my heart sing.

I realize this may not be the case for everyone. I’m first to admit that I have recognized someone I know in public and gone out of my way to not be seen by them. For some that may be a feeling they get across the board. There are multiple reasons why someone might not like to be seen but for me it creates a soothing feeling, a reassurance, a sense of community that goes a long way.

My heart aches for the families who are being separated at the border. To think about the impact of being torn from your caregivers and sent to a place where you see no familiar faces. I suspect the effects will be long lasting. I pray for their swift reunion and peace through the process. I also donated to organizations devoted to helping this cause. I wish I could do more or more importantly that it never happened in the first place.

Because the fact of the matter is, we are all connected. Ideally, each face we look into should mirror parts of ourselves. Even if we don’t see someone we know personally, their common humanity should shine back at us. I am certain this is where we come from on a soul level…I hope it’s where we are headed back to. For now I will enjoy the sweet bliss of the “Cheers effect” and make efforts to do the same for others.

Happy to be back by the ocean. SD beaches are the best!

In the Void Again

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10 years

10 years since I finished grad school

Gains and losses have passed the time

More grays, more wisdom, more softness

In the liminal space between opportunities

Discomfort paired with gratitude

All is unfolding perfectly

Trust the process

Find small joys

10 years

Vacationing While White

Status

My husband and I recently traveled to Maui with his family. Let me first say that we were there to celebrate with his sister and her husband on 10 years of marriage. It is such a blessing to have family to spend time with and I am always in favor of celebrating love and relationships. That part was wonderful! However, not everything left me feeling settled and satisfied with our travel choices.

The first night we went to a luau. Everyone was excited to be there, drink their first Mai Tai and be together. Our host was lovely and the dancers were fun to watch. But I couldn’t shake or really pinpoint this very uncomfortable feeling I was having. I thought maybe it was because it all felt very rehearsed and showy or maybe I was just tired from the travel. The next day my husband’s aunt made a very astute observation, we were a sea of white folks being entertained by brown people. The feelings from the night before came rushing in again; that was it!

My husband and I both noticed and openly discussed how white our resort was. Resort stays are not really our jam but again we were there with family. We started paying attention to non-white people we saw who did not work for the hotel. In our week stay we didn’t even count a dozen. We got excited when we saw a small group of black ladies but also wondered what it must feel like to be them. They were upbeat and seemed to be having a good time but if we felt weird about how white our resort was, who knows what it was like for them. Although depending on their experiences in the world those ladies might have been all too used to being the only people of color in their sphere.

With white skin I move through the world mostly undetected. Being in the south of India as a rare group of non-Indians was the most I have ever stood out and it was for good reasons. People wanted to take their picture with us and had smiles a mile wide. Traveling as a woman without a man has raised some eyebrows also but nothing too concerning.

I realize Maui brings in a lot of money through tourism and bolsters its economy in this way, but I wonder, is there a better way? The culture is so rich and while we did get little glimpses of that in our interactions, it was mostly hidden or masked by shows and entertainment. We take full responsibility for not doing a ton of research on the best ways to immerse yourself in Hawaiian culture. I think we figured it would be a toes in the sand, drink in hand kind of trip. To some extent that was our experience but we also felt like we missed out by staying in the land of white tourists.

Ultimately, my husband and I are trying to increase our awareness of white privilege and ways we can avoid engaging in blatant displays of said privilege. We certainly don’t have all the answers but we are trying to ask the questions and make decisions accordingly. Where we spend our time and money makes an impact and says a lot about who we are.

This is not meant to be a criticism of anyone who finds this type of trip blissful. Time off from work is precious and not plentiful enough in America which means sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first. But I do think it’s important for white people to question spaces that do not include people of color and/or make it difficult for them to feel included.

Maui holds some nice memories, including time spent with family, but next time we travel we hope to engage a little more closely with the land and the people as well as choose a place that’s more inclusive of all.

A great family shot at the vow renewal

A delicious Italian dinner

My best attempt at an underwater shot while snorkeling with non-profit org Pacific Whale Foundation

Thank You San Jose!

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Three and a half years ago I found my way to San Jose. Just this week we moved back to San Diego. My husband and I took a leap for his job and decided to relocate to the land of tech opportunity. Much of the past few years have not unfolded the way we thought they might, but nonetheless it’s been perfect. As I close one chapter and step into another I would like to express my gratitude for the experience. I was born and raised in San Diego and had never lived anywhere else, so this was a big change for me. But San Jose delivered on many levels and made our time there sweet and memorable.

Some of the things that I will hold dear about this experience include:

The break I got to take from working. I was pretty burnt out when we moved and taking a year+ off of my social worker duties allowed me to heal and get back in with a lot more passion and heart.

My community! The first thing I did when I arrived was set up a meetup to gather women together. This started at my house, expanded to the local yoga studio and then turned into a podcast. Not only did I meet some of the most amazing women but I also solidified a new career path and passion. I am forever grateful to the goddesses I was graced with.

Yoga, all the yoga! The Bay Area definitely delivers in quality yoga classes and trainings. I was so blessed to get to participate in some rad yoga education opportunities. If you know me, you know learning is one of my favorite things and learn I definitely did.

The trees! When we first arrived I was in awe of all the different types of trees that the Bay offers. San Diego is somewhat limited to the palm varietal and a few eucalyptus so the beautiful trees were a real sight to me. Not only do you see trees everywhere you go but there are gorgeous state parks and natural reserves to explore. My husband and I went camping for the first time up there and also spent many weekends journeying around the area.

Our friends. We actually knew one couple up there from San Diego and I had some high school & college friends, but otherwise everyone we met came into our lives over these past few years. I crave social contact in the form of quality relationships and we met some really awesome folks. Fortunately most people are interested in visits to San Diego so I am looking forward to showing them all the good Mexican food 😉

Financial security and debt relief. Honestly money was one of the driving factors of our decision to move. My husband had a lot of school debt and felt capped in his earning potential in San Diego. So while we do not believe money solves everything, we knew alleviating some debt now would set us up for a better future. We were able to pay off my husband’s student loans (so huge!) and save to hopefully buy a house in San Diego. This is such a gift!

My husband. This one is not specific to San Jose but our time here did illuminate even more why I love this guy. We were not married yet when we first moved, so living in San Jose made me a wife. Also, it was at my husband’s absolute insistence that made me agree to take a break from working (I guess he was tired of stressed out crying Jesalyn) This allowed me to be a house wife for a time, which I actually liked quite a bit. It also allowed me to eventually find a job that I was really passionate about.

I never would have predicted that I would leave San Diego but I am so happy that I did. It reminded me how important family is (I missed everyone so much!) and not to take for granted all the wonders that exist in my hometown (delicious food and beautiful beaches are the two I missed the most!) And now I have a home away from home that I can visit.

Haiku Very Much

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I’ve made it a new normal to make time for creativity. Painting, writing, drawing, dancing. It’s still a struggle since it is a new reality for me but it’s imperative. I can no longer hide behind the guise of not being a creative person. I tried and it doesn’t work. A beautiful byproduct of being human is that we are all creative. Let me say that again for those of you hiding like I was: WE ARE ALL CREATIVE! And I have to create to keep the channel open. It doesn’t have to be good but I still have to create to keep the juices flowing. The pool of creativity is endless but you have to jump in and get wet. Putting paint on paper has been a huge healer for me as has writing haikus. It’s one of the easiest things to create on the fly and it’s quite fun. 3 lines, 5, 7 & 5 syllables, endless opportunities. Here are a few of mine.

Change is coming soon.
Full moon magic gently calls.
Peace through transition

*

Waiting, wishing, hope.
Believe. All is provided.
Trust the Universe.

*

My evolution
creates transformation. Breathe.
Ride the waves of life.

*

No one got the rules
of how to be an adult.
We are all fumbling.

Be patient. Forgive
Yourself and others. Choose love.
Time waits for no one.

*

Soul Work & Sacred Secrets

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People tell me their secrets. And I’m not talking about in a hushed tone or drunken state, although that has happened too. I’m talking about the fact that I get paid to have people tell me what they haven’t told anyone else before. It’s weird really and sometimes I have to remind myself that this is the path I chose. It is not a coincidence that I hold the seat of the therapist. It was all by design and I try not to take it for granted.

Just so I am clear here, I don’t think secrets are all that helpful. The weight of carrying around something that needs to be said but never has been is heavy. But, life is complicated and there are many messages from parents, partners and most of all society that tell us to keep things to ourselves. Also, sometimes it’s not safe to share secrets or people do share and they are not believed. This needs to change and luckily a movement to do just that is rapidly building momentum. Look at the power that all the women (and men) coming forward with their secrets is creating. It’s amazing and it’s time.

But back to the secrets I get to hold. It struck me the other day when I heard for the hundredth or so time, “I have never told anyone this.” I always tell my clients and try to remember this myself: any work that you do on yourself whether within the walls of a therapist’s office, a yoga studio, out in Mother Nature or with your nose buried in a self help book is SACRED. It is the greatest work of the soul to say out loud what needs to be said, look at old patterns that aren’t working anymore, teach your body what it means to feel safe, and learn to love yourself along the way. Sharing these secrets is part of this process. The hope is that telling me is the catalyst for the rest of the process to emerge.

In hearing these secrets I am exposed to some of the most fucked up shit (that is indeed the clinical term for some of the bullshit human behavior I have encountered). I am talking abuse, violence, and neglect sometimes on a staggering scale. There is also the response to these things that starts out as adaptive and quickly moves into unhealthy. The addiction, self hatred, failed relationships, anger, deep pain and loss of self.

But for all the secrets and pain, I also get to witness the reclaiming of power, sense of purpose and magic that happens when the secrets are out and the healing can begin. It’s a precious place to be in the world: holding someone’s pain while seeing the light at the end of the tunnel before they ever can.

And I’m certainly not saying I have all the answers and that coming to therapy is like sliding down a rainbow on a unicorn. It can be rough and tumble and we all have human moments which means sometimes I say the wrong thing. But there is always room for repair and if I can show respect, understanding and leave judgement at the door we are good. For the most part I can do that and I feel super lucky to be on this path with so many others. Sometimes all we need is a witness and a cheerleader.

These people, the one who tell me their secrets. While I can never tell you who they actually are, they are the people we interact with on a regular basis. The people we work with and see in the grocery store and laugh with and play with. Rarely do the people in their immediate vicinity know the depth of their pain. Which means this is all of us. We are all working through the muck that is life while trying to remember and notice the beauty.

It’s also important to mention that the “fucked up shit” I have heard about was often an expression of pain. The wounded wound others and the cycle continues until someone can name it and break it. None of it is ok but it’s a helpful stance when the eventual work is forgiveness. Not for them but for us. Because as MLK Jr. so eloquently stated “I have decided to stick with love, hate is too great a burden to bear.”

I’m not sure what the conclusion of all of this is. It’s not meant to be an advertisement for therapy although as a therapist of course I would advocate seeking support if needed. More than anything I think it’s about the human condition and that we are all going through something. There are days when the last thing I want to do is hold someone else’s pain while I am feeling mine so deeply. But in that reality is the comfort that while I am witnessing my client I can also be holding myself in the process. And that is why I know everything is as it should be and I am right where I need to be.

Abundant & Held

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For the past 5 years or so I have chosen two words to represent my year. I actually do it intuitively, so I feel it’s safe to say the words choose me. A few weeks before the year they sort of just land somewhere in my consciousness (usually early in the morning, while I’m in the shower or some other quiet moment) And then I just get to wait and see how they unfold. I keep the words near me, in my car, on my altar, or in my phone so I see them often. Here’s how 2017 went down.

Abundant

Having enough and often more than enough was a theme this year. I started the year with an abundance of jobs. While it was helpful to our family and I was grateful for this, not all of them served me. It’s always a nice feeling to have enough of everything which I know is far from true for so many people. My husband and I and some friends of ours participated in the women’s march which was an amazing experience. It definitely included an abundance of people (across the world!) showing up for all the right reasons. When a nation elects a man who has so little respect for women and many other groups of people, it’s nice to see that we can fight back with our numbers and our passion. A huge accomplishment and act of abundance that occurred this year was that we paid off my husband’s student loans. This was a debt that was constantly nagging at him (those of you with school debt, or any debt for that matter can probably relate) and he often felt like he would be paying them off forever. It was an act of abundance to pay them and continues to give us abundance in other areas. To me a life well lived includes traveling but I know that this requires an abundance of resources. Many years back my then boyfriend and I opened a bank account specifically for travel and it has served us well over the years. This year brought a trip to Thailand to check in with my husband’s Chinese teachers, some local trips near the Bay Area, back to San Diego to see family, Texas for a family wedding, and a summer trip with my mom (I LOVE our weekend getaways). I am also so grateful to have access to an abundance of amazing trainings and the ability to take part in them. This year, I took a three day training in Somatic Experiencing and Yoga which landed right in my soul and represented the work I do exactly. I finally got to take the 5 day leadership training with Off the Mat, Into the World, which has been on my list for some time and was able to make time for countless other local trainings (mostly yoga related). I am a hungry student always seeking knowledge and I am so lucky to be living in a time and place in the world where I can access information so readily. I also led full and sold out trainings, workshops, circles and retreats and got to join the Conscious San Jose movement through free summer meditations and teaching at the first annual yoga and music festival all of which were a great joy. To me living with the concept of abundance means that we truly trust that there is enough to go around for all. I try to practice this by not grasping at what is not mine be it students, income, jobs or opportunities. If it is meant for me, it won’t pass me by.

Held

Admittedly this is a sort of funny word to choose but as I am unpacking it, I realize how perfect it is because it holds so many meanings. To have or keep, to reserve or retain, to bear, sustain or support, to keep in a specified state, to engage in, to detain and to keep from action. To me it also feels like a hug, a softness and a warmth and maybe a kick in the butt sometimes too. I have experienced many different versions of this in 2017. I have been held in so many community spaces this year. My women’s circles and podcast community, the yoga studio and the group practice where I work and all the beautiful people I met and connected with in my teachings and trainings. I feel so nourished and held by some amazing and supportive hands and hearts. I felt so held in my practices this year. I actually spent less time sitting and more time moving which was lovely. I spent a lot of time with my favorite teacher Elena Brower on YogaGlo and in her Elevate Mentorship. The two years prior I was fortunate enough to spend time with her in person but the online community for which I am plugged into has been very nourishing and has lovingly encouraged me to hold the seat of an artist. I held another new role as clinical supervisor in my work and that was an extremely fruitful experience for me personally and professionally. We also celebrated by being held in a sweat lodge ceremony after my supervisee passed her licensing test. That was an exercise in facing the fear of claustrophobia and the unknown (spoiler: I didn’t make it the whole time but I’m so proud for doing it!). And sometimes to be held is to be held accountable and I found that this year as well. My husband had to sit me down and inform me that I was not walking my walk when it came to being kind and loving towards all. I was getting wrapped up in the hatred for our elected officials (one in particular) and finding comfort in unkind words and comedy at the expense of others. That was a harsh truth and I cried hot tears of acknowledgement and then made an effort to unfollow some pages (sorry Trevor Noah) and watch my language carefully. My husband and I had to hold ourselves accountable when we did not speak up against hatred towards another group. This was a huge lesson and one that did not go unnoticed by us. I furthered this self inquiry in my training with Off the Mat, Into the World where I sat for 5 days being held by the reality that I have more privilege than most. It had me asking how will I be more engaged and of service. It is my job, at least in part, to hold a little more weight in this world simply because I can. I have been held in so much joy and just as much sadness. I found unbridled joy in the embodied practices of singing and dancing, lunches with my husband, travel, nature and time with friends and family. I continue to be held in the sadness of waiting to grow our family, the state of our world and the unimaginable suffering people are enduring daily. I was held in the limbo of anesthesia for a small surgery (so trippy to my adult self since age 5 was my one and only time being under), and held by those things that were not meant for me this year. Through all of it I tried to hold onto hope that even when it seems dire or when nothing makes sense, we are all held by each other and the fact that we are separate but intricately connected. And that ultimately, we are all held by the Great Mother herself.

2017 was far from perfect but I take great honor in not only living this life but also taking the time to acknowledge the journey, the path and the lessons.

It’s funny because I usually don’t waver when my words come to me but this year I am struggling. A few weeks back Clarity and Transformation came through so I wrote them down and then a day or so after that I wrote (Nourishment?) next to it. This morning I drew the butterfly card so I know Transformation is where it’s at but do I want a crystal clear path or do I want to feel cozy and supported along the way? I’ll have to sit with that but I think I know the answer. May your 2018 bring all that you hope for and more. It’s the year of the Dog which I recently learned is me…I always thought I belonged to the year of the boar but because I’m a January baby, I fit in the cycle before my birth year.

My best nine from Instagram @jesalyneatchel

My best nine from Instagram @wildishwisewomen

Conscious Giving

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The holiday season is always a tricky one for staying sane and taking good care of ourselves. The push to buy things we don’t need is high as well. Some of my favorite gifts that I have gotten and given have been experiences. Please remember gift giving is not necessary and sometimes the best thing we can do is offer our support, a smile, a well timed phone call or letter or a wonderful experience. But there are a few gems that have changed my life this past year and I would like to share them with you here.

Practice You: A Journal by Elena Brower – If you know me or have read my blog you know that I am a big Elena Brower fan. She shows up with such authenticity and has so much to offer the yoga community and beyond. She is responsible for me taking a serious dive into my relationship with creativity, something I have struggled with my whole life. This journal is an absolute work of art and will get you to connect to very tender parts of yourself. I highly recommend you buy a copy for you and some friends/family members. The price point makes it easy to share the love!

Becoming Wise: An Inquiry into the Mystery and Art of Living by Krista Tippett – I love books and I love to read. My Amazon wishlist is 100% books and this one is truly masterful. Krista Tippett has a great podcast that I have been listening to and her writing includes snippets from her show including her own take on life themes and lessons. She talks about looking for “words that shimmer” which is exactly what I feel I’m doing when I read. I look for the passages that take my breath away and make me feel deeply. You will find plenty of those in this work.

Sun and Moon Tarot by Vanessa Decort – Card decks are another favorite of mine to buy and gift. I always bring a card deck for folks to draw from in my women’s circles and it is part of my morning routine to pull a card after my meditation. I found this deck earlier this year and was struck by the sweetness and the diversity of the art and characters. The regular Rider-Waite Tarot has never been that appealing to me so I enjoy finding decks that are a little less traditional.

Bucky HeartWarmer – This sweet pillow friend has been a happy addition to my self-care routine. There is something so soothing about placing this on my belly or my heart (or my cold feet!) in the evening or anytime I need some extra love and warmth.

Pelvic Liberation: Using Yoga, Self-Inquiry, and Breath Awareness for Pelvic Health by Leslie Howard – I have not finished this book yet but I was more than happy to contribute to Leslie’s Kickstarter to help get this book published and I can’t wait to learn all that I can as a woman and a yoga teacher. The doctors aren’t giving us the best information on this subject (mostly because their focus is on treating and/or normalizing pelvic health issues) so we have to educate ourselves and know that we don’t have to accept pain and discomfort. Any person with a female pelvis probably needs this book.

Essential Oil Containers – I make essential oil blends and I often get asked what I use. Abundant Health has been my go-to for all things oils. The products are good quality, they are affordable and they have good customer service. I mostly buy the roller balls and spray bottles for my blends. I have had some leakage with the roller balls but only with certain oil blends since each has a different viscosity. Make sure to always buy colored glass for oil blends – plastic is not a good idea because it breaks down and the tint helps with sun exposure. Happy blending!

Art by Lori Portka – I brought her Gratitude Cards several years back and have continued to enjoy her offerings. I also have the card deck that she and Kris Carr made together which is very sweet. The cards can be framed for your space or given to a friend. She just added pillows and totes as well.

I also know lots of amazing women (and people) who run businesses, make and sell things and are so worthy of supporting with your dollars. I am working on getting a women run businesses section on my Wildish Wise Women site so stay tuned (saying it here to keep me accountable!) I am sure you know awesome folks as well so remember to consider supporting them.

Favorite pages from Practice You

Favorite pages from Practice You

Some Masks We Should Never Wear

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On Saturday, my husband and I got invited to a fun Halloween party. We were super excited because it’s the first time we have had the chance to really dress up and go somewhere fun since we moved up North. The place was decorated, people were costumed, food and drinks were abundant and a live band was starting up.

I first saw this guy’s costume from behind and only noticed the afro and the Kaepernick jersey. I thought maybe he was honoring the fact that he started the take a knee movement, sounds alright to me. And then I saw him from the front and once my nearsighted eyes focused without my glasses, I noticed that he had painted his face black. What year is this? Haven’t people learned that it’s usually not ok to dress up as another race, culture, gender, etc. Especially when your intent is to poke fun or comment on sensitive current events.

But I’m not choosing to share because there are still clueless people out there, I guess that is not really a surprise. I want to share how I, as a well meaning person who believes in equal treatment for all, did not know what to do in this situation. It was clearly wrong and yet most everyone, including me, went on with the party. This dude was allowed to come into the event, (as it turns out he was good friends with the owner) the band didn’t come to a screeching halt when he made his entrance and he appeared to have a date and people who were willing to be around him as well.

It’s not that I didn’t consider saying something. I’m normally outspoken, often saying what’s on my mind to a fault including standing up for others. A well loved high school teacher said something extremely racist in class one day. It was directed at a fellow classmate and I called him out on the spot. He did not take kindly to this and disliked me for the rest of the school year but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I have also called out my grandparents (does anyone have grandparents who aren’t racist?) and sometimes my own parents for saying something off color.

My working plan was to confront this guy on the way out by casually letting him know his costume was not appropriate. The why of my not going right up to him and telling him in the moment was that we were with my friend for a work related party. I didn’t want to be the one who caused trouble or made her look bad. I also heard her tell her husband not to say anything. But honestly those are just excuses. When something isn’t right you should call it out no matter the consequences.

As it turned out my friend ended up confronting him when it became clear that no one was going to step up. As one of few black people at the party, she did not feel that it was right to leave without making it clear that this guy had overstepped to say the least. Although she was not the only one appalled, she was sadly in the minority. Many people, including the party’s host, brushed it off noting that it was supposed to be funny.

I noticed them connecting and thought perhaps it was going well. As I saw it start to take a turn with raised voices and unfriendly stares, I instinctively moved in closer but still said nothing. We left the party following this incident and later that night back at home, my husband and I wondered if we should have done more.

The short answer is yes, we should always speak up when something isn’t right. Perhaps it’s more complicated than that although I don’t think it should be. Why did we just go back to dancing and having fun after this guy cruised in with a disgusting display of privilege and complete lack of respect? Why was it that a black individual ended up being the one to speak out? And why was I more worried about looking bad or being difficult than standing up for my friend? I’m still asking myself this, and while I don’t have all the answers, I hope I keep asking the questions as long as it takes.

My friend said she didn’t intend to confront him at first and perhaps if her husband and we as her friends had not been there she might not have had the courage. I have to trust that our presence meant something and next time I have to do better. We all can do better.