Busy But Blessed

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There was an article floating around awhile back that talked about how being busy has become a badge of honor. We live in a society where something is always going on. While I enjoyed the thoughtfulness of the article and agree with the precise, I still find myself busy a lot of the time. My awareness has increased and I now try to choose a different response than “busy!” to the question “how are you doing?” But it’s honestly a conscious effort not to blurt out how damn busy I’ve been for the past I don’t know how long. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a disease of my own creation or one that is inevitable in these current times. Most likely a little bit of both.

I am definitely on board for stopping the glorification of busyness but I also have so many things I want to do in this life. I have many passions and they all require that I cram multiple events into my life. Trainings that I both take and teach, time with friends, travel, exploring locally, and spending time with family. This past month has been a whirlwind of weekend activities and evenings out. But it’s all been so good and so worth my time. My body is tired but my heart is happy. For now I will just have to go with busy but blessed.

Color Factory with friends – Busy But Blessed šŸ™‚

On Not Being an Asshole & Self-Forgiveness

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Telling the truth about how I feel and speaking up about what I want are not struggles I have had since I entered this world. Granted I’ve been through phases and relationships where I find it more difficult to communicate, I am largely an outspoken outgoing individual. Early on in my husband and my dating life my mother made the comment that perhaps she failed to build a filter into my little brain. It has been both a blessing and a curse and navigating the balance has been enough work to keep me busy in this life.

I have learned that not everyone can say what’s on their mind with ease. It was difficult for me to understand why people couldn’t just say what they needed. But after years of working with people I have come to realize it is a real challenge for many.

While I am grateful for this gift life has given me, just because I can say what’s on my mind doesn’t mean I have figured out how to do it well. Sometimes I open my mouth to say something and it comes out sounding pretty damn rude! I rarely mean to be a jerk but my tone and choice of words are often lacking.

This happened recently with a stranger who came over to ask me a question. I was caught off guard and responded harshly without thinking. I tried to backtrack when I heard the words leave my lips but I doubt it was enough to make up for my sharp tongue. I was embarrassed because it was witnessed by a friend and I mumbled something like “Wow, I think that sounded way worse than I meant it to”

And so as per usual when I have a human moment, I agonized over it that day and into the next. Thankfully many times when I speak before thinking or lose my cool I can apologize because it’s happened with someone I know. With this particular stranger I had no way of reaching him. I was bummed to think he would be walking around without the knowledge that I’m not really that awful.

I was left with only one thing to do really. Forgive myself first. We all experience foot in mouth moments and sometimes they are at the expense of others feelings. Dwelling on it and feeling badly about myself wouldn’t get me very far. So I forgave myself and vowed to work on finding more space. If speaking before thinking is my pattern then pausing and feeling before responding is my work.

And a little while later I told my husband about it and we both laughed at how ridiculous I can be.Ā I figure it shouldn’t be so hard not to be an asshole but this class is almost always on my Earth school curriculum.

A Return to Love

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I read A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson for the first time in 2012. I have since read it again and likely not for the last time. I can distinctly remember the shift my brain had to make to integrate the idea that our nature is love, and anything that does not look like love is just a request for more love. It certainly made sense on a fundamental level but this is not the message we get in everyday life, so it took some getting used to.

Last night I got to see Marianne speak in Santa Cruz. It was really wonderful but she was actually quite different in person than I expected. Her speech was a fiery sermon aimed to get us worked up about the times we live in right now. She said that it’s not the first time society has strayed outside of what is moral and ethical but let us not be the first people in history to do nothing about it.

Of course we have to take action to make change, but the predictable plot twist is that it has little to do with others and everything to do with ourselves. It all comes back to us. How can we be more loving, more accepting, more devoted. “get the message IN first”. Then and only then can we collectively make the shifts that are needed.Ā She addressed the need for the spiritual community to get more involved in politics so that the needle can be moved in the right direction.

Her ability to share perspectives and address human concerns was so highly skillful it was just an honor to witness. And as much as she is all about love, she is also about being straightforward and encouraging personal responsibility.

She called a few people out during the Q & A portion in a way that had me clapping in agreement, but also left me wondering if I would have been crying had I been in their shoes. One of these moments that stuck with me the most was when a woman shared difficulty in living with her father. She reported he brought “negative male energy” into the house. “This has to stop right now” Marianne said “that is not nice to men and it’s NOT ok”, I appreciate that she named this epidemic of putting men down.

But of course there is also the other side of the coin where women are still suppressed on so many levels. She said “let women speak in declarative sentences and say what they want”. She addressed the high incidence of depression in women and that if we are actually paying attention it makes perfect sense that we are depressed.

She encouraged us to always look for the lesson and where you could have reacted with more love. Can we make it our practice to send love to everything and everyone to overcome the hate that exists right now. This does not mean we blindly put up with everything in the name of love though. She said it’s time for us to own our yes and own our no. “Love always gives the loving response and sometimes the response is no”

Practice is key! Start in the morning, fill your consciousness with light and pray to the God of your own understanding to be of service. “Everything you do is your ministry”. As the Course in Miracles says: Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say and to whom?

My girlfriends and I stood in line for her book signing. I didn’t have anything for her to sign but I joined in a photo we requested. At the very end there was a moment where she made direct eye contact (the type of gaze that made me feel like she really saw me) and I said thank you so much. I immediately remembered something from a part of her speech where she said that when you are on this path and leading a life of love and purpose, there is a light in your eyes. Other people who have it, recognize it, and people who don’t have it want to know where you got it.

Ever a work in progress, I’m so grateful to be doing the best I can each day, making practice a priority and fully experiencing all the parts of life. And as Marianne said “It’s not over ’til the happy part”

Ecstatic Energy

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I woke up on Easter in a F U N K. I was sad to be away from family, I was frustrated with other things going on in my life and I couldn’t handle the icky feeling I had in my body. So I gathered myself and decided to do something about it. I told my sleeping husband I was going to go to Ecstatic Dance in Palo Alto. I had been meaning to go for awhile and I was certain it would help. I had to take some sort of action because if left in this state I would inevitably lash out at someone, mostly likely my husband. He doesn’t deserve that and frankly I didn’t deserve to feel the way I did either. And I tell my clients all the time to do something to move the energy in their body when they are feeling stuck or yuck.

As soon as I started moving my body I could feel a shift. My movements matched the music…at first slow and rhythmic…transitioning to faster and more irregular. The beauty of this format is that moving your body is key but you can do it any way you want. Very few rules and absence of judgement creates a lot of freedom. My breath became more at ease, my mind slowly unraveled the worries that plagued me. I couldn’t quite shake the sadness though.

I took a break on the perimeter of the dance floor and started to tear up and then started to cry. Wet, hot tears rolled down my cheeks and caught the attention of a fellow dancer. I had seen this woman come in. She entered the dance floor with confidence and had a striking presence about her. She walked towards me, made eye contact with me and then came behind me. She wrapped her arms around me, one arm on my belly and the other hand on my heart. She nuzzled herself in close to me and took long, slow, deep breaths peppered with big sighs and hmmms.

My mind had a lot of things to say about this encounter “this is weird, right?” “I don’t even know this ladies name” “what will other people think?” “what the hell is happening?” “should I tell her to stop?”

But ultimately my body won out. My body is what got me there that day and my body is what needed this healing. I could feel the energetic shift as a weight dissipated from my heart. My tears slowed and my whole body softened. I knew when our time together was done and so I met her gaze and thanked her with my eyes.

I felt more whole than when I arrived but I also felt so exposed and raw. It was a vulnerable moment for me and I wasn’t sure if I would tell anyone about it. I found myself keeping track of this mysterious goddess healer as she moved across the dance floor. Should I go to her again and offer more thanks or at least introduce myself.

Ultimately I decided that I got exactly what I came for whether I knew it or not. I left before it ended and did not see her again. I actually haven’t been back since. I had a nice time and would certainly join another dance in the future but it just hasn’t happened. My openness to the experience is what stuck with me. Had I stayed home I would have been a jerk to my husband and felt awful all day. But I said yes to a shift, said yes to myself and in the end received even more than I bargained for. May we all say yes to moving stuck energy through movement, connection and kindness.

Dancing Blog Art

I Stayed Too Long

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Know that what we do in fear will keep us from our path.

No matter how much the sacrifice seems worth it,

following the HEART is always a better plan.

Wait for the wave of peace that radiates when you are aligned.

Stay close to yourself.

Listen. Breathe. BE.

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Sorry, Not Sorry

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As a young adult I worked at the Del Mar Fair. It was a great summer job. You work everyday for the 20 or so days the fair is open with time in between work to enjoy the fun. I would plan out my daytime shifts so I could see the evening concerts I wanted, went often to say hello to the baby pigs and ate my fair share of deep fried and cheesy foods. I hold a lot of memories and life lessons from that time.

There was the time that I asked a man to see his ID for his credit card purchase and he said “My name is Inigo Montoya” to which I naturally replied “you killed my father prepare to die.” He was more than impressed with my knowledge of the reference.

The realization that many teachers were so underpaid that they needed to work the fair to earn extra money.

And the bicycle cop and man from the money room who flirted with me and made me feel special.

But of all the things that my young insecure self experienced, the one that sticks with me the most was this interaction with a customer. I went to give a man his change and not all of it landed in his hand. I sheepishly apologized as I fumbled with the coins. He looked me dead in the eye and said very seriously, “Don’t ever apologize too much in life” Taken aback I nearly squeaked “I’m sorry” but I caught myself just in time.

Since that time my awareness of all the times I apologize has increased. Frankly myself and many other women say it so often. Sometimes it seemed I was apologizing just for existing. It was almost an involuntary reflex. My ongoing work is to notice my “I’m sorrys” and to change my language. Offering up thank you instead of sorry is a useful tool I have learned. It’s certainly not perfect, but I am getting better.

So when I heard the young lady I work with apologize about seven times in one minute I cringed and remembered this lesson that was once bestowed upon me. She is just slightly older than I was during my fair days and likely just as insecure. I hesitated to say anything because it’s not really my place and maybe it would put her on the spot. But I sat uncomfortably thinking about what it might be like not to tell her also. I wavered back and forth and finally…

First I asked her if she didn’t mind getting unsolicited advice. Sure she said. Then I told her as sweetly as I could not to apologize too much in life. I shared with her my own process of understanding this and that it takes practice and awareness. I also told her my thank you trick. Her first reaction was that of slight embarrassment. Her body tensed and I think she even turned a little red. But as I shared my experience and admitted that I still don’t have it all figured out she softened. The spark of truth lit up inside her, she looked me in the eye and said thanks for sharing that.

Life’s too short to spend all your time apologizing. Unless of course you have screwed up. In that case, a heartfelt apology can go a long way and is most certainly warranted.

Love & Soul Conversations

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Today is my second wedding anniversary and our eighth year as a couple. We will celebrate together tonight and then I teach a Level 2 Reiki class on Sunday. Reiki 2 is a celebration and a homecoming of its own for me. My master presented it to me as the level of love and of healing relationships and I really took that to heart. The personal work that I did following my initiation into the second level of Reiki was the healing balm my heart needed to embrace marriage. I left the past in the past and opened my heart to a love-filled future with the best guy.

Now I teach the idea of finding solace from the feelings and emotions that accompany human relationships. Life is messy and heart break is real but love and compassion heal so many things. We often need to let go of the past to make room for what the future holds. It might seem idealĀ to hash it out in person, but sometimes it’s not appropriate or possible. Enter the soul conversation…

When individuals come together on a soul level much can be accomplished. If there is a situation, relationship or person that needs healing, consider doing the work in a meditation or dream state. Soul conversations give us the opportunity to take responsibility for our actions, ask for and offer forgiveness and send love to the situation. It’s important to recognize the role we played in the relationship, this is not a time for shaming and blaming. Each relationship has something to teach us and propels us into our next stage of personal growth.

Starting in meditation, take a few deep breaths offering love to yourself and your journey. Say a prayer or set an intention such as:

“May I find healing for the highest good of all concerned. May I take responsibility for my role and forgive both myself and the other parties. May the love that is offered up transform pain into sweetness, stuck energy into freedom.”

Ask to connect with the person or situation and have the conversation that you might like to have in person. Honor your part, share any sadness or anger, maybe even remember fun times too. Ask if they have anything to say and ask that they support you in letting go. Then fill the space between you with love. It may seem silly or not real but as is true with energy work, action follows intention. Whatever you come up with, even if it seems made up, is as real an experience as any other.

End with gratitude for self. Gratitude for the individual. Gratitude for life and the Divine. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It may take various times with some reflection in between. Be patient and kind during this process and recognize achievements. Then watch life bloom.

I celebrate love every day and each time I return to teach Reiki, I find new levels of healing that are revealed. Each layer that we unveil is a gift and an opportunity. May we all step into our highest self with an open heart.

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Metta Meditation: Loving-Kindness for Peace

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I have always been an optimist. I believe there is good in everyone and I seek to find it even in the most challenging of people. When I was young and read The Diary of Anne Frank, I was absolutely floored and intrigued with her famous quote ā€œIn spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heartā€.Ā 

Recently the actions of another person negatively impacted my family and our future. It came out of nowhere and it turned my world upside down. Ā I found myself with a lot of negative feelings toward this person. Hate is not the word I would use (ok, maybe a little!) but definitely a very close emotional cousin. I was definitely angry, scared and frustrated; feelings that left me drained on multiple levels. I knew I needed an energetic shift.

Enter metta meditation. I have been meditating daily for the past year or so and it has changed my life dramatically. Usually I sit in stillness with a mantra but I knew I needed something more. Loving-kindness meditation works with a series of phrases that you say to yourself and then other people in your life, including what is known as the difficult person. I sent loving-kindness to this person. This person I was angry at, the one who had disrupted my charmed life and left me pissed and not feeling very yoga like.

The phrases of my practice were simple

May you be happy

May you be healthy

May you be free from suffering

May you live in peace

The practice starts with self, then a beloved person, a neutral person, the difficult person, a group of people and finally the whole world. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks each time I reached this difficult person. I did not want to hold anything against them, I just couldnā€™t bear it. I know that they acted out of fear and that they likely live in fear more often than not. I did not want to contribute to their difficult emotions with my own hate. The phrases were a gift, the tears a deep relief. And so I found myself sending these phrases out into the world from my humble heart not just in the morning but many times throughout the day. Each time, a little bit of my hardness softened, I opened up to the blessings of this experience, this lesson in love.

I canā€™t say that I am completely cured of any resentment since the actions of this person continue to reverberate out in my life. But, I feel more at peace and know that it is in everyoneā€™s best interest that I not hold onto negative emotions. Life is funny and continues to give me plenty of other opportunities to practice. And so I find myself returning to these phrases that are my wish for this world.

May we all be happy. May we all be healthy. May we all be free from suffering. And may we all live in peace.

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Rooster Call to Action

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We just entered the year of the Rooster in the Chinese calendar and what amounts to a second new year. I don’t know about you but it was comforting to know that new beginning are always possible. 2017 is off to a rocky start but the rooster is here to remind us that we have to speak up and take action. Wake up he says! Follow the direction of your heart and don’t become complacent.

In numerology 2017 is a 1 year which signifies the start of a new cycle. The messiness of 2016 can be explained (at least in part) by the mischievousness of the fire monkey and the conclusion of a 9 year cycle. Whatever we set the intention for in this year will continue to grow over the next 9 years.

1 is also the number of the Magician in Tarot and invites us to trust in our creativity and power to live the life of our dreams. We all have the opportunity to succeed in whatever we set our minds to. Believe it and then do it! This is not a time to sit back and watch.

The Rooster’s role is to confidently take care of the flock and ensure the future generation. The Magician, a true healer, sees the potential for magic in all things. Can we do the same even in the face of turmoil?

Dream. Crow. Create. Repeat.

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Grounded & Fertile

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My words for 2016 were Grounded & Fertile. I choose them ahead of time (or rather I think they choose me) and then I see how the year unfolds. I find this practice to be a wonderful way to reflect and set intention. Time is a funny thing and this post serves as a timepiece for my year and all that it has held. End of year rituals in any fashion are a sweet way to say goodbye to this year and usher in a new one.

Grounded

As a Capricorn, staying grounded is in my bones but at the same time I can find myself in the clouds if I’m not careful and conscious. Easily my biggest accomplishment in regards to this word this year was my meditation practice. I got consistent with it for the first time ever! It was a wonderful journey and I’m so grateful. I was excited to share with others as well but both my weekly meditation offering and meditation workshop were not well attended. With this particular “miss” my takeaway is that it was more about cultivating my own practice than sharing this year. In addition to getting more grounded in my meditation practice theĀ Universe majorly tested my foundation when my husband left the very job that brought us to San Jose. It was not in our plans and it shook us both pretty hard. I know my practice was preparing me for that moment. Figuring out how to stay grounded when the earth beneath you becomes unsteady is the real practice. I got to practice that again with the results of the presidential election. My husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary this year and were reminded again and again about what it takes to be a team and how lucky we are to have each other. And we went camping for the first time in our relationship. We also explored some fun hiking spots getting grounded in nature. I taught the Reiki master level class for the first time and find that this practice as well as the students who show up are my constant reminder to stay grounded. My women’s circles continued to grow this year and I found the times I was leading those to be when I felt most grounded in my body and in my life purpose. I also took the seat of therapist once again which requires a great deal of grounding and presence.

Fertile

While it is by no means a secret, I also don’t share much about the fact that my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for several years; longer than I ever imagined it would take. I hope to write more about it one day but for now it’s just too painful and I often find commentary from others (however well meaning) is rarely helpful. I really did think this would be the year and so it was not a coincidence that I chose this word for 2016. And while unfortunately this was not the year I would conceive a child, 2016 proved to be amazingly fertile with ideas, inspiration, experiences and projects. I started a podcast and recently got it on iTunes (hooray!) as well as created a separate website for Wildish Wise Women. I hosted packed women’s circles and invited friends to co-facilitate with me to share their gifts. I lead my first yoga retreat with some wonderful women. I shared much more of my yoga life on social media via a few Instagram challenges including one I co-hosted. Some articles I wrote were published online and I got to share my love of the chakra system in a monthly series at the prAna store in Palo Alto. The community that I continue to co-create in my new home is rich with wonderful people. My husband and I hosted a gathering in the Spring and we had our first annual Friendsgiving. In addition to teaching several Reiki classes of all levels, I also invited people to a Reiki share night on a couple of occasions. The healing energy that is created when people come together to raise the vibration is so ripe with possibility. I let my body be a canvas in my first ever body painting experience. I traveled to China and experienced not only a new culture but also a powerful healing practice. And I got 2 new jobs and was reminded of the fertility and flexibility of the career I chose.

Of course there was a lot of darkness to 2016; it was NOT an easy year! My grounding was tested many times and I know it’s not the last time. I plan to stay dedicated to my practices as much as possible and look forward to 2017. My words for the new year are Abundant and Held.Ā Wishing you all that you hope for in 2017!

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My best 9 on Instagram – apparently naked photos get more likes šŸ˜‰