Love Trumps Hate

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I fully expected to be writing a post this month about how we finally have our first woman president. Even though I was not thrilled with Hillary as a candidate, I was excited about the prospect of society shattering that glass ceiling. I felt the historic nature of that moment and was genuinely looking forward to being part of herstory in the making. I was not at all prepared for the outcome of this election nor the utter despair that I felt as a result. I wept, my heart raced and I felt like I could not breathe.

Below I am sharing a Facebook post that I put on my personal page. It resulted in a few people being unfriended. If my views here are offensive to you I consider it within your right to stop following me as well. But I won’t be silent and believe it is my duty as a woman, a yogini and a human to speak out.

“Wednesday morning, in the wake of my own shock, I led my weekly support group for women who have survived assault and/or abuse. What could I possibly tell them I thought? America has just elected a man who has zero regard for women and their safety or right to consent. And so I told them the only thing I could think and I will share with you here:

Take time to feel all that you need to feel. Cry, scream, curse, be angry, frightened, sad, lost. Take all the time you need but just promise me you won’t stay there.

Take very good care of yourself. Right now you have control over what you put in your body, the thoughts you think and how you show up in the world. It will not be easy. We are up against some serious hate and it isn’t right. But, we need to stick together more than ever right now.

When you are ready and have taken care of you, look women (and all others for that matter) in the eye on the street, smile at them and send them love and support. Remember when we act out of love not hate we protest all that he represents and apparently what much of the US represents as well. We have to be the change we want to see.

And something I didn’t say to them (because I didn’t need to) but I would like to add is that please know we are not angry/sad/scared/shocked because our candidate lost. Hillary was not my candidate, Bernie was. But, at least she represented inclusion, diversity, equality and respect for all people. The people have spoken and they have chosen someone who time and time again has stood for division, hate and frankly an America I am ashamed of right now.”

I plan to heed my own advise and take whatever time I need to heal. This grief and sadness is real. The fear of an unknown future is very real too. But then when I am done mourning I will pick myself up and get ready for the fight of a lifetime. If my government does not represent me, I will represent myself. Using love as my weapon and community as my army we will tackle this together. We have no choice. For some of us, our life depends on it.

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Meditation 365

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I did it! A year of meditating every day.

I woke up this morning so so excited…like a kid going to Disneyland. I got my butt to my meditation cushion and felt an immense amount of gratitude. I have showed up for myself again and again and it has made a huge impact.

It hasn’t always been easy or ideal but each day I made a commitment to cultivating more peace and to making time for stillness. It’s the greatest gift I have given myself.

And I find that when life feels rough, meditation is the first thing I want to do now. Not to bypass the emotion but to let it wash over me so it can slowly dissipate. Elena Brower, my teacher and inspiration in all of this, says it’s like inviting the house cleaner over each morning. Meditation sweeps out the dirt life throws at us leaving our hearts polished.

My absolute hope is to keep up this practice but I also know that gentleness and forgiveness is part of this journey. 365 days of devotion to self-love and self-care is a foundation that I know will continue to serve me. Adding in a second afternoon/evening meditation and creating more space for the physical practice are my hopes for the future.

Breath. Softness. Opening to Love. Commitment. Practice. Stillness.

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Budding Self-Blessings

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“The bud stands for all things, even for those that don’t flower, for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing; though sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness, to put a hand on the brow of the flower, and retell it in words and in touch, it is lovely until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing” – Galway Kinnell

September has come to a close and on this black moon (the second new moon of the month) I’m very aware of that which did not flower. 30 days full of potential and yet much of it did not come to pass in the way I would have imagined. And so I will hold the image of the bud as a symbol for all things flowering as a self-blessing. Just like the seed that we plant at new moon time to watch unfold across the course of the weeks and months that are left of this year. My daily practices and my commitment to self is my reminder of my loveliness. As it always goes, some flowers bloomed so beautifully, in colors that you can’t even imagine and others remained a seedling, a bud or even just an unconscious glimmer.

I am lovely and so are you.

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Svadhisthana Sweetness & Body Paint Delight

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When I was in high school I had a friend once say she wished she could have some of my bravery. I have always been pretty bold in saying what’s on my mind and doing things outside the box. Not brave in the jump out of a plane kind of way but in the tell your crush you like him to his face, travel to developing countries and take all your clothes off and let someone paint you kind of way.

Yeah, that last one…I just did that. The yoga studio where I teach is an incredible community of visionaries and our studio manager created a mash up of yoga, chakras and body paint. I knew very little about body paint and had certainly never had it done myself. So, clearly I jumped at the chance.

The night started with a yoga class taught by me focusing on the chakra of the month, the sacral chakra. It’s all about fluidity, creativity and emotions. Governed by the moon and water, it’s feminine in nature and relates to our sexuality.

Then we moved onto the painting part of the night. I had arrived prepared with my nude panties and nipple tape but my painter was no where to be seen. I started feeling pretty disappointed. Nathalie who organized this event and has been painted many times said “how about I paint you?”

And so she and other members of the community stepped up even though they had never done anything like this before. It was the sweetest team of enthusiastic and interested friends. The artists and models from the Human Art Collective were amazingly supportive and welcoming as well. I had so much fun!

It felt great to be doted upon and painted. I was struck by how normal it was to have someone painting my bum, under my breasts and inside my belly button. There was a meditative quality to it as well. One of the painters agreed it was for her also. She shared that she found herself syncing her painting with her own breath. It was its own kind of yoga.

Here I was practically naked in the studio where I usually teach yoga very much clothed. And yet I felt so comfortable in my body. It briefly occurred to me that my belly was much rounder and my breasts much fuller than the other models (who had all done this previously). Even though this thought crossed my mind, I really wasn’t doing a lot of thinking.

During the couple of hours that I was being painted and then photographed I felt very much in my body. It was such a pleasurable and memorable experience. One I will not soon forget. I loved being painted but I loved even more how it all came together.

And then just like that it was over. One minute I was feeling fully embodied and confident, the next I was sitting in my bathtub covered in coconut oil while my husband scrubbed the paint off my back. Such is life with all its ups and down. So perfectly imperfect.

Yoga class

Yoga class

Loving it!

Loving it!

Finished product

Finished product

Nathalie and I

Nathalie and I

Photo by Ronald Nelson Photography

Photo by Ronald Nelson Photography

Hired!

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I’ve always said as a social worker that I will be able to find a job no matter the economy or location. It may not be the best paying or most desirable but there will always be work. With that said, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started a job search last month. Mental health care is always needed in many different ways but maybe it wouldn’t be so easy.

Luckily, not only did I get a job that almost perfectly fits my needs but I also got offers on a few other jobs that were not so perfect. I actually turned down a position and declined an interview for another one. That’s a first for me.

I’m happy to report that I am joining a local private practice Bay Area Mental Health that offers individual and group therapy with a focus on healing trauma. I started seeing clients this week.

I feel compelled to share this news for two reasons.

One because I quite emphatically said I didn’t expect I would go back into therapy. But after some soul searching and reflection I decided it’s my path to help people in this way. I have the skills and I value this work. It is sacred work. And one of my goals in this life is to find sacred spaces and sacred moments as often as possible. It is an honor to support people in embracing their best life.

And two because I am humbled and grateful to be in this position. I haven’t been working much and I really haven’t had to. I know this is a very unique situation to be in. I have definitely had to take the first job offered to me in the past and to be able to be choosy this time around is a huge gift.

I don’t know what the future holds but for now I am happy to be of service and to be back doing this work. It is an honor to sit in front of someone who is willing to share their life, including their pain and their joy, with you.

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Make New Friends but Keep The Old

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I’m at the point in my life where I can say something happened 10, 15, or 20 years ago and I wasn’t still in diapers…or even grade school. My grandma used to tell me stories of things that happened 10+ years ago. When I was young, that seemed like such a long time ago but to her it was just a drop in the bucket.

Now, 1998, the year I started high school, is almost 20 years away. And I’m amazed and blessed to say that one of my childhood friends and I have known each other for 25 years. 25 years! 25 years of growing up together, laughing, crying, having fun, making memories and achieving life milestones. It’s our Silver Anniversary of Friendship. Yes, I’m making that a thing with an official title.

Emily and I were in the same class in third grade but it wasn’t until we both started going to the Boys and Girls Club after school that we really started hanging out. We quickly became best buds and spent most of our time together.

Over the years there have been ups and downs but thankfully we have stayed connected. We know each others stories, all about our families and always want the best for one another.

Friendships are an amazing part of life especially when they span the ages. I feel like you really have to learn to be a good friend. Some of the qualities of friendship are innate but it’s a part of life to grow into your role as a kind, thoughtful, be-there-when-it-counts friend.

I’ve made mistakes over the years with this relationship. Poor communication, petty arguments, not being there for important moments, saying the wrong thing and overall shitty immature behavior. But, those are the life lessons that we get during our time in Earth school. I’m grateful I had the opportunity to figure it out as I went and luckily at this point the good times far outweigh the not so good.

I feel so fortunate to have always had at least a few good female relationships throughout my life. My friendship with Emily has contributed to my current passion for bringing women together for support and connection. I talk to many women who have struggled to maintain relationships with other women stating “I’ve always connected more with guys.”

I believe women need each other. We are stronger together and I vow to continue to nurture my female relationships so that I can be living proof of this truth.

Emily now has a daughter and she recently took time away from her mama duties to come visit me and see my life in San Jose. I have some new friends here but nothing beats the comfort of an old friend. At the end of the day we all just want to be seen, accepted as we are and loved unconditionally. Thanks Emily for being my Silver Friend. Let’s go for Gold!

5th Grade

5th Grade

6th Grade

6th Grade

8th Grade

8th Grade

High School Trip to Europe

High School Trip to Europe

Early College Days

Early College Days

Costa Rica 2005

Costa Rica 2005

"Will you be my Maid of Honor?"

“Will you be my Maid of Honor?”

Wedding

Wedding 2008

My 30th

My 30th

Present Day

Present Day

Memories of May

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The month of May brought with it several anniversaries and some bittersweet memories. Four years ago this month I became a Reiki master and eight years ago I completed my masters degree and added MSW after my name.

I celebrated my Reiki master anniversary by teaching a level 2 class to some lovely healers. There aren’t enough words to describe how much it means to me to share this technique with others and it was a perfect way to commemorate this milestone. Reiki has brought so much love, healing and connection into my life. I am proud to have a growing group of students who are doing great work in the world.

In reflecting on my social work career, I find myself missing my college days (because really who doesn’t?!) but also my clients and the relationship I had with them.

At my first internship I was afraid to hang out with the clients in the milieu. What would I say to them? I also remember being totally baffled when someone said they forgot a client’s name and then laughing to myself when it was me forgetting. Yes, we establish close relationships with these people but we are human. And honestly some clients are more memorable than others.

It’s an honor to do this work though and it has been filled with moments of tenderness. I have sat and cried with a client who just lost her father. Another whose dog died suddenly. I have kept small keepsakes made or given to me by clients, I still wonder how many of them are doing and I remember the birthday of a client who died each year.

Professional boundaries keep us from being able to stay in touch, but it doesn’t mean we don’t remember the connections we have made which often happen in a persons most vulnerable times in life. We sometimes spend more time with our clients than we do with our own family and close friends.

I’ve been out of the social work game for some time now and I don’t know if I’ll go back. But I do miss the deep connections I made and that I got to be there for so many people when they needed support and comfort. I can only hope maybe they think of me from time to time too. And not even me per se, but something I shared with them or the feeling they had of being accepted and understood.

What’s with All the Goddess Talk?

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I recently had a friend tell me they would like to accept the invitation to be on my podcast but that they felt removed from the Goddess thing, and so maybe it wasn’t a good fit. I lead Goddess Circles, the podcast title includes the word Goddesses and I regularly refer to women in general as Goddesses. So, what is with all the Goddess talk?

I think each person who identifies as a woman is also a Goddess. And not just when she is looking beautiful and acting feminine by traditional standards. The energy of the Divine Feminine, also known as Shakti in the yoga tradition, not only represents us as women but also represents the universal energy all around us. Shakti is what drives us to be passionate and loving beings on this Earth. Shakti is creativity and expression. Shakti is wild and free. It is in us and we are a part of it. This balanced with the masculine energy of Shiva makes us whole and complete.

The Goddesses of Yoga, as in most other traditions, includes women who turn heads with their beauty but also those who are fierce warriors, devoted servants, nurturing mothers and wise crones. They represent different aspects of ourselves and our life stages.

Living as a Goddess means that you believe each and everything you do is connected back to the Divine. It’s not to say that you are only being Goddess-like when you are dressed in your favorite outfit or have your hair done nicely. You are a Goddess as soon as you roll out of bed and even if you look a mess or feel like you don’t have your life together. There is no separation from the mundane and the Sacred. Everything is Sacred. Each one of us is Sacred.

By leading women’s circles and sharing the podcast my hope is that women will connect into the energy of their inner Goddess so that they feel beautiful, worthy, loved and valuable. The more each of us becomes an expression of the Divine Feminine allowing our inner Goddess to shine, the more others will feel permission to do the same. And the more the men in our lives will also show up as their Divine Masculine self.

Please remember that you are a Goddess in each and every aspect, stage, phase, and moment of your life. When you walk, talk, move, dance, sing, cook, make love, cry, scream, yell, curse. It’s all you, it’s all beautiful, it’s all you as Goddess.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vichaye Svaha – I learned this mantra with Sally Kempton and Shiva Rea. It invokes the mother Goddess and asks for her presence and inspiration as well as for her to remove any obstacles in your way. Mantra is often known as the “body of the Goddess.” Chant this for power and connection to your inner Goddess.

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You Have to Play to Win: Showing Up and Being Seen

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How many times in life do we sit back and wish that something were different but take no action? I’ve been guilty of it many times before. Most recently I found myself watching friends get published in online journals and feeling a pang of envy. I would be happy for them but wish it were happening to me too. And yet I had not submitted anything. I was approached in 2014 to write for an online anxiety website and an article of mine had been published. It was a neat experience but I did not pursue it much further mostly because I got busy with my move up north but also because I asked myself “what would I write about that would add value to the world?”

But each time I would hear that someone had been published I just couldn’t shake that yearning. I still couldn’t imagine what I would contribute but I also started to realize that if I didn’t submit anything at all I would never find out. One morning with the creativity Gods on my side, I awoke early with a great idea. I wrote it out, submitted it, was asked to do some edits and was on my way to being published.

So I made into the club that I had been lusting after. It was fun, a little scary and ultimately not what I had made it out to be in my head. See some of the story I was telling myself was about why I wasn’t qualified to get something published. Who am I to share wisdom outside of my little tiny blog? Who would read it and would they even care? As you might already know, the stories we tell ourselves are powerful. Even when they are not based in any reality we have a funny way of accepting them as the absolute truth.

The real truth is we all have something to add to this world. Every single one of us! It may not come in the form of being published but that was the call that was pulling me and ultimately I had to squash the voice that told me I had nothing to offer. For me, that voice is a mix of fear, doubt and not feeling good enough but it’s only as powerful as we let it be. As Krishna Das says “Don’t believe everything you think.”

I’ve been working on another creative project in the form of a podcast and I think that experience not only inspired me to explore other mediums of creating but also to show up no matter what. I have never put together a podcast. I didn’t know the first thing about it. But I knew that I wanted desperately to connect with these amazing women I have the pleasure of knowing and I thought somebody else might want to listen in on our conversations. So I went for it and nothing about it has been perfect but it has been the perfect experience for me right now.

And as it goes, this all happened in perfect timing. That twinge of desire is what drove me to create and wouldn’t you know it, once I got the ball rolling I had not one but two articles published within a week of each other. I know that voice that held me back will creep in again throughout my life. Maybe in this same area or maybe in another, but I hope I continue to choose to show up anyway. Brene Brown talks about showing up and being seen in her work but specifically in her book Daring Greatly. There will always be critics and often they are ourselves. But if we don’t show up and go for it we will by default avoid failure but we will also miss out on achievement. I know which world lights me up and keeps me inspired.

Here are the articles in case you’d like to have a read:

Confessions of a Feminist who Loves being a Housewife

Lessons on Being: Commitment to a Meditation Practice 

The Myth of Mastery

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This past weekend I had the pleasure of teaching my first Reiki Master class. I’ve been teaching Levels 1 & 2 since 2012 and I have come across so many wonderful souls on this journey. It is one of my greatest joys in life to share this healing technique with those who are interested. When I was young I wanted to be a teacher, mostly because I loved learning and I admired my teachers. And while my original intent was to be a school teacher, this role of teaching has morphed into many different things, one of them being sharing and teaching Reiki.

I knew in my heart I wanted to teach the master level at some point but I never felt enough mastery to justify it. As with most of the things I have interest in, I feel I could go a lifetime and not understand it all. Lucky for me the universe sent me all the right signs that I was in fact ready and to get my butt in gear. And so it was that I had the most beautiful weekend with 5 other healers on the path.

The thing I struggled with the most, was that because Reiki has been passed down over the years, there are variations on the teachings. I wanted to share the most authentic, closest to source information available but damned if I could figure out what that was. Usui (the founder of this kind of Reiki) lived long ago and there are not many people who truly know what he was offering. Especially since it is widely known that Takata, the women responsible for bringing it to the West, took liberties of her own. I agonized over what was right and what was wrong and second guessed a lot of it as I prepared for the training. After meditating, chatting with my Master and asking for guidance the message was clear “Teach what you learned, keep your intentions pure and your heart and mind open.” And the much needed reminder that this path of being a Master is not about knowing it all but about showing up to the practice and being dedicated to ongoing learning.

Did I know absolutely everything I needed to know? Not really. Did I have the most authentic version of the teachings? No one will ever know. Did I show up fully and share with my whole heart? Absolutely. And did my students learn something new that they can now share with others? You’re damn right they did!

The weekend was more than just about the Reiki Master teachings. It was about embracing ourselves just as we are, taking such good care of ourselves on a regular basis and answering the call to share as much love and healing with others as we can muster. That is true dedication to mastery.  And as the Dalai Lama says,

“The planet does not need more ‘successful people.’ The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds”

Reiki master class photo