Spiritual Hygiene – Just do it!

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I brush my teeth every day…at least twice a day really. But somehow I had convinced myself that I didn’t need to meditate every day. I told countless stories in my head about how I could still be spiritual, a good yogini and healer even, without a consistent meditation practice. It’s not that I didn’t try. I had periods where I got my butt to my cushion several days or even weeks in a row. But, it never became a daily routine I could keep.

I would be lying if I said that I am stellar at being consistent with anything. I struggle to keep healthy habits, like many of us I imagine. I had a period in my life where I juiced every day for close to two years, one of my best streaks to date!

Today, my 90th day of meditation in a row feels pretty sweet. Three months is a solid effort but it truly feels like a habit now. I felt validated about how far I have come this past weekend when I attended the Yoga Journal Live! conference. Friday morning I went to the guided meditation and I found myself wishing for more silence. The facilitator was, I suspect, just trying to make it accessible for everyone but she guided just a little too much for me. I was yearning to just be with my own thoughts. It was a pivotal moment.

Just to clarify, the goal of meditation is not to clear your mind of thoughts. That is an impossible task that would leave all of us feeling like failures. Meditation helps clear out the junk that life throws at us with the simple goal of more peace and a deeper connection to self. There is also a ton of research out there about how helpful it is on a mind, body and spirit level. Even the most skeptical can’t argue with the research about the many benefits of meditation.

I don’t find it easy all the time but just like anything in life, practice really does make better. And I have to say I feel more peaceful about a lot of things. I specifically noticed an area in which I would normally react, and most recently did not.

I totally understand if you are thinking meditation is not for you or if your mind is finding all the excuses. I have been there and I can’t promise I won’t end up there at some point in the future. But just for today, I am happily sitting for 20 minutes each day when I wake. It makes me a better wife, friend, teacher and human in general.

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Faith and Flow

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My words for 2015 were Faith and Flow. I choose them before the year starts without much of an understanding of how they will play out. I allow them to unfold organically and trust that I brought them into my awareness for a specific reason.

Faith

I got married this year. And as much of a beautiful experience and wonderful blessing it has been, it did take some faith on my part. Faith that marriage was going to work for me, faith in myself and in my partnership. For me allowing marriage into my life has been a long process that faith definitely played a part in. This is the first full year I have spent away from my hometown, family and friends. We moved up north at the end of last year and a lot of faith has gone into accepting this as the right move for my little family. I have to practice faith in my husband to be the provider; he makes it pretty easy luckily. We received a notice to move out just after getting back from our honeymoon and had to hold faith that we would find a great new place in time. We definitely did and are so much happier in this new space. But there are the things that haven’t fallen into place quite as easily, It’s the disappointments and unanswered prayers that require even more faith. 2015 did not bring everything I had hoped and it requires practicing constant and ongoing faith that all is happening in perfect timing.

Flow

I just love this word! To me it is a state of mind, body and spirit and where I am connected to my highest self. It is somewhere I want to spend more time but a place I find somewhat fleeting. This year I found my flow teaching yoga and reiki, creating and delivering a yoga and psychology themed workshop, leading women’s circles and taking some amazing trainings. I flowed with more singing and dancing this year both on my own and in my circles. Aligning my flow with nature is something I explored more both at home and during some fun travels. I flowed into my new role as wife and primarily stay at home wife, or Domestic Goddess as we call it at our house. I had moments of flow in my own yoga practice and flowed into a new dedication to a daily meditation. Flow was my state when planning and setting intention for some awesome things for next year. To me flow is an organic state that we must allow although some planning doesn’t hurt as long as we stay flexible. Like seaweed anchored to the ocean floor, flow allows us to move freely while being grounded in our truth.

My words for 2016 are Grounded and Fertile.  I have some ideas of what I would like to see but I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds. Wishing you a prosperous new year with so much love and light.

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My best nine from Instagram are a pretty good summary of 2015

Thank you – A love poem

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Disclaimer: I hit publish but had to come back and add this. Please know if you are someone who has things they just can’t be grateful for – now or ever. I honor you and that truth. This was just true (and needed) for me today.

Giving thanks for what we have is just the start.

What if we give thanks for what we don’t have, what hasn’t shown up yet or even the challenges that seem to be blocking us?

Each and every piece of this radically beautiful life is just as it should be.

It’s easy to be grateful for all the cosmic yeses and all the things that go just the way we planned but what about the nos, the losses, the failures, the not yets?

These are just as much a part of the story and worthy of our gratitude.

Maybe even more so than all that’s going right because each challenge gets us closer to our truth.

The path is illuminated not just by what falls into place but also by what falls apart.

Be thankful for everything. All of it. The highs and lows. The yeses and nos.

Practice gratitude for each and every precious moment.

Thanksgiving morning wake up call

Thanksgiving morning wake up call

Art of Attention

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Earlier this week I got to spend three days with Elena Brower in her Art of Attention Teacher Enhancement Module. She first came onto my radar about 5 years ago at Wanderlust in Squaw Valley. It was clear she was bringing something special to the table and I have continued to follow her and be inspired by her work. I know I will be unpacking the wisdom that she shared over the coming weeks, months and maybe even years but here are some of the stand out gems.

Throughout the three days Elena returned again and again to the simple but profound idea that we have to practice what it is we are seeking. If we want more trust in life, learn how to trust ourselves. If we want to become better teachers, be better students. If we want those around us to act a certain way, lead the way as the example. If we worry about others judging us, stop judging others. If we want abundance in our lives, give abundantly. Remarkably simple but monumentally profound.

Cultivating our own practices was of utmost important to her. What we share with others we must first do ourselves. She implored us all to get serious about our meditation practice and make it a non-negotiable part of our daily lives. I’ll be the first to say my meditation practice is inconsistent at best. I know the value of it and I have periods – sometimes even fairly long ones – where I am very on top of it. And then something gets in the way.

Writing at least one blog post per month is one of the few promises that I have made to myself and actually kept. Keeping a journal is another. I have been consistent in sharing something with the world each month for the past 31 months. It feels good and I am proud of myself. But there are too many other promises that have been broken and frankly the stakes are high. My daily practices determine how I show up in the world and ultimately my overall happiness in life. As Elena put it, “our happiness is our service” and so I recommit to my meditation practice first and foremost. 20 minutes of sitting each day to clear out the accumulation of hurt, doubt, fear, sadness and shitty thoughts.

My gratitude runs deep for some extremely potent teachings that have been passed on to me from Elena and many other gifted teachers. These gifts are largely unwrapped but not yet fully appreciated. They come together over time like pieces of a great puzzle. Sometimes duplicated but always fitting a little differently. I commit to diving in each chance I get so that I can always share from a place of experience.

Elena and I

Elena and I

Art of Attention family

Art of Attention family

The Yoga of Patience

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The theme of my yoga class the other day was patience. Inspired by a section from Judith Lasater’s “Living Your Yoga,” we explored how yoga can help us cultivate patience both on and off the mat. Luckily life gives us many opportunities to practice.

My husband and I recently returned from a lovely honeymoon in Costa Rica to find out that we have to move. We quickly found a great place and will be moved by the end of the month.

Everything fell into place for this move without a hitch so I know it was all for the best. But what about the stuff that doesn’t come together so easily? What about the stuff that drags on – dragging you with it – without a positive end in sight? Is that also for the highest good?

That’s where patience and often a whole lot of faith and trust comes in. Sometimes we swiftly see the outcome of a situation and the reasons it worked out the way it did and other times it’s a much longer and more arduous process. I am trudging through the mud with some how-the-hell-do-I-know-this-will-all-work-out issues in addition to acquiring a fancy new place at lightening speed. Life is not always easy and effortless.

I offered the mantra “everything is moving at the proper speed” to myself and my students. It’s easy to curse the fact that we cannot determine the speed at which things move and their outcome. But what if we decide that everything is in fact progressing just as it should?

As we transition out of summer and into fall in the northern hemisphere, nature reminds us that things happen in perfect timing. The temperature begins to drop, darkness sets in earlier and earlier, and the leaves change color and fall just as they should. Nature does not question timing nor process and neither should we. Think of the seed who must first be buried in darkness in order to sprout up towards the light. Or the caterpillar who literally turns to goo in its cocoon before becoming a beautiful butterfly.

Those moments before transformation are scary and can seem to drag on forever. But if you have ever had to wait for something really good, be it a pose, a person or a purpose, you know that timing is relative and some things are worth it.

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The park across the street from my current place – I will miss that view!

Student Before Teacher Always

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Be the best student.

This recent advice from Elena Brower, a New York yoga teacher who I admire very much, has stayed with me over the week or so since I heard it. Luckily it’s not the first time such wisdom has been shared with me but it certainly does not hurt to hear it again and again. I love school, I love books and I love learning. I always have and I suspect I always will. Being a student comes naturally to me but the shadow side of this is that sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking I already learned something and don’t need to hear it again. I like to call this shadow side the “know-it-all Teacher’s Pet.” I suspect s/he lives in all of us but she can be particularly outspoken for me and I have to gently encourage her to soften and allow the “forever student, always curious” side to settle in. It’s gotten easier over the years as I mature and especially as I study new things that I know less and less about. But for me it’s a constant reminder. Even if I know a lot about something, there is always a new perspective to consider and new information to integrate.

I watched both my parents model this idea of always learning and I am extremely grateful to come from people who are always striving to be better. Neither of my parents graduated college but they showed me the value of education in so many other relevant ways. My dad was at risk of someone taking over his job every 3 years and so he always made sure he was on top of all the latest in his field. I accompanied him on a business trip once and he told me on one of his meeting breaks that he didn’t understand half of what they were talking about but he was so happy to be among people who were knowledgeable and successful. “If I learn even a little bit of what they have to offer, it will be worth it” he told me. My mom has been teaching Jazzercise for almost 20 years but she still takes other instructor’s classes to learn from them. She always notices something positive about what they have to offer, even if they botch the choreography or fail to give any safety tips (there’s also so much learning in seeing what not to do!). My mom also took me to classes at community college when I was little. I have fond memories of being with her in the classroom and on campus.

And as much as I have had positive examples of the forever student model, there are some who become comfortable in their flow and get stagnant. The “I’ve already learned it all” folks are dangerous because while they may already know a ton, their inability to be open to further learning is a recipe for disaster. These folks may or may not be easy to spot at first but eventually it’s clear they do not consider themselves in need of further learning and inquiry. And as Elena shared specifically related to yoga, if you don’t have your own practice and show up as a student first and foremost your students will know. You simply cannot be an effective teacher without also being willing to be a student. This is relevant on and off the mat for sure.

We are all human before any other label but we also share certain roles throughout life. We each embody both student and teacher at some point, sometimes at the same time. Even when I am technically in a teaching role I find myself learning so much. I smile as I confirm (I already suspected) that I have logged more hours in trainings than I have teaching yoga since my 200 hour certification. And as I prepare to lead a workshop in a few weeks I dive deep into learning and re-learning as much as I can so I can offer the best of what I know. Another beautiful gem from Elena was that “a good teacher shows you where to look but does not tell you what to see” So even if I think I know what I am teaching, it is up to the learner to absorb and integrate it in a way that works for them. May we all be forever students and share what we know only second to learning all that we can.

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For the love of books!

Love Like the Banks of the River

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My commitment to myself and this site is one post per month so I already had a blog topic planned out. As much as I like being a free spirit, I also dig a good plan and find it comes in handy in many ways. But, because life is funny like that and I can be flexible, something else caught my attention.

My husband made a comment the other night that his path in life is clear, now I just need to find mine. At first my feelings were hurt…”What, I don’t have a clear path?!” But the more I thought about it the more I realized I only know vaguely what I want to do: help others. But it constantly changes and evolves each time I get inspired or learn something new. I thought I was destined to be a therapist starting as young as my peer helper days and into my clear delineation in the field of Psychology and Social Work. But that hasn’t brought me the joy and fulfillment that I desire and so I find myself searching for how to make a difference, keep my sanity and love my work.

Blake believes his purpose in life is to love me. Plain and simple. No strings attached. Just love me for me. Wow, right?! In fact, he says he felt this very strongly from the beginning of our relationship even before he knew for sure it was love. He didn’t tell me until we were more established as a couple and when a few of my trust issue barriers had been broken down a bit. Even then it was a lot for me to absorb. I know not everyone finds a partner like this although I know a few others who feel an intense amount of devotion from their partner. As absolutely lovely as it is sometimes it can be scary as well. And to some it sounds crazy. I recently shared this with a friend and their response was “Isn’t that a little obsessive?” Ha! Why, yes, yes it is! But not in a creepy stalker way, in a this love is so big I can’t contain it way. And yet that’s exactly what his love does: contain me. It literally creates a container for me to figure out how I want to serve.

Like the banks of a river creating shape, preventing an all out flood, my lovers intense love for me lets me be the river. I may tumble some rocks along the way, float leaves and twigs to a new destination and nourish the plants and animals who live nearby.  But, above all I get to flow freely.

Let me be clear, my husband’s devotion to me does not mean he has no interests of his own or that he follows me around like a lap dog. He is perfectly capable of moving through the world and taking care of his own shit. But like many of us who seek to find a purpose in life, it just makes things easier.

And also just because my purpose and path is not necessarily only about loving him does not mean that I am not also a devoted, loving wife. It is my honor to be married to him and we all win when there is enough love to go around for all. I may never get crystal clear on what my specific path is either. I know giving back and making the world a nicer place is on my list of to-dos in this life but that may show up in hundreds of ever-changing ways and I’m ok with that. I know the banks of the river will hold me as long as they are needed and that is one of the greatest blessings I can imagine.

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You Are Enough: On Body Image and Self-worth

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This gallery contains 6 photos.

I was thin from the time I was a child into early adulthood. My mom worried about me when I was young because as a picky eater I ate very little. It seemed as if I might whither away if … Continue reading →

Everyone Looks Beautiful in Savasana

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This last week I taught my first yoga class as a volunteer for a local mental health and social services agency. I was so happy to have the time and energy to be able to give back to people who do work that I know first hand can be extremely stressful. In fact, I had long lost my ability to give back more than what was required for my job and it was really affecting me. When I first got out of grad school I was full of passion and excitement to make a difference in the world. That included giving back to my coworkers and going out of my way to make the workplace more nourishing, Over time the work got to me and I didn’t like the bitter, jaded person I was becoming. I’m honestly not sure if I was cut out for the work I was doing, but from a very young age I have always wanted to help people and make a difference. I’m so grateful that I can now use yoga to help others. And in turn help myself connect back to the energy of giving. My favorite part is looking at the softened faces of my students as they relax into the final resting pose.

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Burning in My Own Flames

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“You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes”  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

This idea of burning in your own flame, facing and even embracing your shadow side, was one of the themes of a recent week long training I took. An experience in which I got naked in more ways than one that left me forever changed.

Transformation and the embrace of paradox are key components of Tantra yoga and as Sianna Sherman so wonderfully stated: “when we deny the shadow parts of ourselves, our prana goes rushing after them and we become fragmented”. So, we explored the shadow and sat with the discomfort that bubbled up to the surface like the warm water of the Esalen hot springs.

What’s interesting is that the work has only just begun. It’s in the homecoming that the path is forged and the commitment to transformation is called forth.  Showing up day after day is the challenge and the blessing.

Once the gates are open, the shadow comes flooding in and can extinguish the flame that I work so hard to burn brightly. Not dedicated enough, not brave enough, not spiritual enough, not likeable or cool enough, still judging where I shouldn’t despite all efforts to quell this unspiritual nastiness. Have I played the victim more times than I care to admit? Do I care more about what people think than I let on? Do I define myself by my limitations?

What if I honor all parts of myself and sit with the tension of the opposites? What if both are true at the same time? I’m both dedicated and lazy. I’m both brave and terrified. I’m both spiritual and disconnected. Cool and totally uncool. Judgmental and fully accepting. Strong woman and helpless victim. Each opposite coming together to weave the story of my life.

We are born out of darkness and the only way to reveal the light is to navigate the dark. And so the practice is what stokes the alchemical process of turning the lead to gold. Asana, mantra, mudra, meditation, breath. I return with a renewed sense of vigor for the practice including a 40 day sadhana (spiritual practice) of chanting to Lakshmi – Goddess of Abundance.

I vow to stay in the fire more than is comfortable in my yoga practice and in my life. To embody and then burn away the parts of myself that are keeping me from my most honest, true self.  Layer by layer of uncovering the dust that has been accumulated over a lifetime so that my deepest soul brilliance, my Shri can shine.

Om Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

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Esalen sunset

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Early morning “rainbow moon”