My words for 2019 were Surrender & Heal. Reflecting back on this year there are so many different emotions. In one way it was the hardest year and in others it was the most magical. Either way it feels good to honor this year for what it was and usher in this next year with open arms and hopeful excitement.

Surrender

The biggest area of life that required my full surrender (or at least my very best attempt at it!) was the area of my fertility. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 and 1/2 years. It has been a long and arduous and extremely sad and frustrating journey. I always had this trust in my body that she would know what to do and really tried to honor that as best as I could. I honestly tried every single holistic remedy and service that I could get my hands on. We tried Western medicine too to no avail. IVF was the last option and one I wasn’t super comfortable with. It’s very expensive, exposes your body to lots of hormones and isn’t guaranteed. But after so long without any success I decided to surrender to this option to grow our family and IT FREAKING WORKED! I don’t think I will ever get over it. It worked. I’m pregnant. Something I thought that might never happen for me. I won’t get into the ins and outs of it but there are plenty of calls for surrender throughout the whole IVF process (which is multi layered and full of unpredictability) And then once I got pregnant I had to surrender some more. Worries in between ultrasounds, throwing my perfect diet out the window and eating all the carbs, feeling sick pretty much of the time (even still in my second trimester). So many lessons in surrender that I am sure will support my next journey into motherhood. This year my husband also got very sick. Earlier in the year we spent 3 separate evenings in the ER with undetermined symptoms and no remedy in sight. It’s such a helpless feeling to have someone you love suffering. But we both got through it and while he is definitely not back to normal, he has seen some improvements fortunately. I took a break from teaching reiki and leading other workshops and retreats this year. Teaching is a part of my work that brings me great pleasure but I knew I needed to take a break so that I could focus on my new house and my goal to get pregnant. It felt right and I’m really glad I did it. I don’t know what the future holds either, I may not be able to get back to it for some time and I’m ok surrendering to the unknown. Work brought forth some changes in the way of the department I was working for, the nature of my position and my supervisor. Not all were welcome changes but I rolled with them nonetheless. It’s the least I can do for my patients who deal with having to surrender to the end of life process every day. I launched a Patreon for Wildish Wise Women that has not blossomed the way I envisioned it. Sometimes the best laid plans don’t pan out and it’s ok to surrender to a different plan.

Heal

I suppose it might go without saying that getting pregnant has healed my heart to some extent. I will have to reflect back once she is here, but there is honestly still so much pain surrounding this area of life and hopefully more opportunity for healing. I continued to get regular acupuncture this year and that helped my nerves and I think contributed to my IVF success. I made a point to spend time drumming and dancing whether it be with the women’s drum circle or with the early morning dance party that is Daybreaker. More embodiment supported my healing on many different levels. I completed levels 1 and 2 of Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy training and it was as much for me as it will serve my work for others. I also received a few sessions which were informative and helpful. My husband and I took a train trip to Portland to celebrate 10 years together and 4 years married. It’s always healing to spend one on one quality time with him (an important reminder we are hoping to carry into parenthood) That Patreon that didn’t exactly launch did produce some lovely virtual circles that although small were very healing. I spent most of this year gluten free which helped my gut heal (see surrender for throwing it all out the window with pregnancy) I got my inbox to zero at the beginning of the year and have kept it that way! I had no idea how much 4000+ emails were weighing on me until they were gone. I bought and kept plants alive in my new house. This was huge for me and so fun to learn and grow along with my plant babies. A spa day and some other travel with my mama is always a healing experience.

I hope you are able to reflect on your 2019 and all that it brought you and taught you. I find this ritual to be an important one for me and a nice way to wrap up the year. What’s coming through for me in 2020 is “Lean in” I look forward to embracing this and watching it unfold. Here’s to a new decade and a new life that I have been anticipating for many years.

Happy New Year from me and my fancy jammies and sparkling cider