Category Archives: Courage

Some Masks We Should Never Wear

Posted on by

On Saturday, my husband and I got invited to a fun Halloween party. We were super excited because it’s the first time we have had the chance to really dress up and go somewhere fun since we moved up North. The place was decorated, people were costumed, food and drinks were abundant and a live band was starting up.

I first saw this guy’s costume from behind and only noticed the afro and the Kaepernick jersey. I thought maybe he was honoring the fact that he started the take a knee movement, sounds alright to me. And then I saw him from the front and once my nearsighted eyes focused without my glasses, I noticed that he had painted his face black. What year is this? Haven’t people learned that it’s usually not ok to dress up as another race, culture, gender, etc. Especially when your intent is to poke fun or comment on sensitive current events.

But I’m not choosing to share because there are still clueless people out there, I guess that is not really a surprise. I want to share how I, as a well meaning person who believes in equal treatment for all, did not know what to do in this situation. It was clearly wrong and yet most everyone, including me, went on with the party. This dude was allowed to come into the event, (as it turns out he was good friends with the owner) the band didn’t come to a screeching halt when he made his entrance and he appeared to have a date and people who were willing to be around him as well.

It’s not that I didn’t consider saying something. I’m normally outspoken, often saying what’s on my mind to a fault including standing up for others. A well loved high school teacher said something extremely racist in class one day. It was directed at a fellow classmate and I called him out on the spot. He did not take kindly to this and disliked me for the rest of the school year but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I have also called out my grandparents (does anyone have grandparents who aren’t racist?) and sometimes my own parents for saying something off color.

My working plan was to confront this guy on the way out by casually letting him know his costume was not appropriate. The why of my not going right up to him and telling him in the moment was that we were with my friend for a work related party. I didn’t want to be the one who caused trouble or made her look bad. I also heard her tell her husband not to say anything. But honestly those are just excuses. When something isn’t right you should call it out no matter the consequences.

As it turned out my friend ended up confronting him when it became clear that no one was going to step up. As one of few black people at the party, she did not feel that it was right to leave without making it clear that this guy had overstepped to say the least. Although she was not the only one appalled, she was sadly in the minority. Many people, including the party’s host, brushed it off noting that it was supposed to be funny.

I noticed them connecting and thought perhaps it was going well. As I saw it start to take a turn with raised voices and unfriendly stares, I instinctively moved in closer but still said nothing. We left the party following this incident and later that night back at home, my husband and I wondered if we should have done more.

The short answer is yes, we should always speak up when something isn’t right. Perhaps it’s more complicated than that although I don’t think it should be. Why did we just go back to dancing and having fun after this guy cruised in with a disgusting display of privilege and complete lack of respect? Why was it that a black individual ended up being the one to speak out? And why was I more worried about looking bad or being difficult than standing up for my friend? I’m still asking myself this, and while I don’t have all the answers, I hope I keep asking the questions as long as it takes.

My friend said she didn’t intend to confront him at first and perhaps if her husband and we as her friends had not been there she might not have had the courage. I have to trust that our presence meant something and next time I have to do better. We all can do better.

Love Trumps Hate

Posted on by

I fully expected to be writing a post this month about how we finally have our first woman president. Even though I was not thrilled with Hillary as a candidate, I was excited about the prospect of society shattering that glass ceiling. I felt the historic nature of that moment and was genuinely looking forward to being part of herstory in the making. I was not at all prepared for the outcome of this election nor the utter despair that I felt as a result. I wept, my heart raced and I felt like I could not breathe.

Below I am sharing a Facebook post that I put on my personal page. It resulted in a few people being unfriended. If my views here are offensive to you I consider it within your right to stop following me as well. But I won’t be silent and believe it is my duty as a woman, a yogini and a human to speak out.

“Wednesday morning, in the wake of my own shock, I led my weekly support group for women who have survived assault and/or abuse. What could I possibly tell them I thought? America has just elected a man who has zero regard for women and their safety or right to consent. And so I told them the only thing I could think and I will share with you here:

Take time to feel all that you need to feel. Cry, scream, curse, be angry, frightened, sad, lost. Take all the time you need but just promise me you won’t stay there.

Take very good care of yourself. Right now you have control over what you put in your body, the thoughts you think and how you show up in the world. It will not be easy. We are up against some serious hate and it isn’t right. But, we need to stick together more than ever right now.

When you are ready and have taken care of you, look women (and all others for that matter) in the eye on the street, smile at them and send them love and support. Remember when we act out of love not hate we protest all that he represents and apparently what much of the US represents as well. We have to be the change we want to see.

And something I didn’t say to them (because I didn’t need to) but I would like to add is that please know we are not angry/sad/scared/shocked because our candidate lost. Hillary was not my candidate, Bernie was. But, at least she represented inclusion, diversity, equality and respect for all people. The people have spoken and they have chosen someone who time and time again has stood for division, hate and frankly an America I am ashamed of right now.”

I plan to heed my own advise and take whatever time I need to heal. This grief and sadness is real. The fear of an unknown future is very real too. But then when I am done mourning I will pick myself up and get ready for the fight of a lifetime. If my government does not represent me, I will represent myself. Using love as my weapon and community as my army we will tackle this together. We have no choice. For some of us, our life depends on it.

Jesalyn_09

You Have to Play to Win: Showing Up and Being Seen

Posted on by

How many times in life do we sit back and wish that something were different but take no action? I’ve been guilty of it many times before. Most recently I found myself watching friends get published in online journals and feeling a pang of envy. I would be happy for them but wish it were happening to me too. And yet I had not submitted anything. I was approached in 2014 to write for an online anxiety website and an article of mine had been published. It was a neat experience but I did not pursue it much further mostly because I got busy with my move up north but also because I asked myself “what would I write about that would add value to the world?”

But each time I would hear that someone had been published I just couldn’t shake that yearning. I still couldn’t imagine what I would contribute but I also started to realize that if I didn’t submit anything at all I would never find out. One morning with the creativity Gods on my side, I awoke early with a great idea. I wrote it out, submitted it, was asked to do some edits and was on my way to being published.

So I made into the club that I had been lusting after. It was fun, a little scary and ultimately not what I had made it out to be in my head. See some of the story I was telling myself was about why I wasn’t qualified to get something published. Who am I to share wisdom outside of my little tiny blog? Who would read it and would they even care? As you might already know, the stories we tell ourselves are powerful. Even when they are not based in any reality we have a funny way of accepting them as the absolute truth.

The real truth is we all have something to add to this world. Every single one of us! It may not come in the form of being published but that was the call that was pulling me and ultimately I had to squash the voice that told me I had nothing to offer. For me, that voice is a mix of fear, doubt and not feeling good enough but it’s only as powerful as we let it be. As Krishna Das says “Don’t believe everything you think.”

I’ve been working on another creative project in the form of a podcast and I think that experience not only inspired me to explore other mediums of creating but also to show up no matter what. I have never put together a podcast. I didn’t know the first thing about it. But I knew that I wanted desperately to connect with these amazing women I have the pleasure of knowing and I thought somebody else might want to listen in on our conversations. So I went for it and nothing about it has been perfect but it has been the perfect experience for me right now.

And as it goes, this all happened in perfect timing. That twinge of desire is what drove me to create and wouldn’t you know it, once I got the ball rolling I had not one but two articles published within a week of each other. I know that voice that held me back will creep in again throughout my life. Maybe in this same area or maybe in another, but I hope I continue to choose to show up anyway. Brene Brown talks about showing up and being seen in her work but specifically in her book Daring Greatly. There will always be critics and often they are ourselves. But if we don’t show up and go for it we will by default avoid failure but we will also miss out on achievement. I know which world lights me up and keeps me inspired.

Here are the articles in case you’d like to have a read:

Confessions of a Feminist who Loves being a Housewife

Lessons on Being: Commitment to a Meditation Practice