Svadhisthana Sweetness & Body Paint Delight

When I was in high school I had a friend once say she wished she could have some of my bravery. I have always been pretty bold in saying what’s on my mind and doing things outside the box. Not brave in the jump out of a plane kind of way but in the tell your crush you like him to his face, travel to developing countries and take all your clothes off and let someone paint you kind of way.

Yeah, that last one…I just did that. The yoga studio where I teach is an incredible community of visionaries and our studio manager created a mash up of yoga, chakras and body paint. I knew very little about body paint and had certainly never had it done myself. So, clearly I jumped at the chance.

The night started with a yoga class taught by me focusing on the chakra of the month, the sacral chakra. It’s all about fluidity, creativity and emotions. Governed by the moon and water, it’s feminine in nature and relates to our sexuality.

Then we moved onto the painting part of the night. I had arrived prepared with my nude panties and nipple tape but my painter was no where to be seen. I started feeling pretty disappointed. Nathalie who organized this event and has been painted many times said “how about I paint you?”

And so she and other members of the community stepped up even though they had never done anything like this before. It was the sweetest team of enthusiastic and interested friends. The artists and models from the Human Art Collective were amazingly supportive and welcoming as well. I had so much fun!

It felt great to be doted upon and painted. I was struck by how normal it was to have someone painting my bum, under my breasts and inside my belly button. There was a meditative quality to it as well. One of the painters agreed it was for her also. She shared that she found herself syncing her painting with her own breath. It was its own kind of yoga.

Here I was practically naked in the studio where I usually teach yoga very much clothed. And yet I felt so comfortable in my body. It briefly occurred to me that my belly was much rounder and my breasts much fuller than the other models (who had all done this previously). Even though this thought crossed my mind, I really wasn’t doing a lot of thinking.

During the couple of hours that I was being painted and then photographed I felt very much in my body. It was such a pleasurable and memorable experience. One I will not soon forget. I loved being painted but I loved even more how it all came together.

And then just like that it was over. One minute I was feeling fully embodied and confident, the next I was sitting in my bathtub covered in coconut oil while my husband scrubbed the paint off my back. Such is life with all its ups and down. So perfectly imperfect.

Yoga class

Yoga class

Loving it!

Loving it!

Finished product

Finished product

Nathalie and I

Nathalie and I

Photo by Ronald Nelson Photography

Photo by Ronald Nelson Photography

Make New Friends but Keep The Old

I’m at the point in my life where I can say something happened 10, 15, or 20 years ago and I wasn’t still in diapers…or even grade school. My grandma used to tell me stories of things that happened 10+ years ago. When I was young, that seemed like such a long time ago but to her it was just a drop in the bucket.

Now, 1998, the year I started high school, is almost 20 years away. And I’m amazed and blessed to say that one of my childhood friends and I have known each other for 25 years. 25 years! 25 years of growing up together, laughing, crying, having fun, making memories and achieving life milestones. It’s our Silver Anniversary of Friendship. Yes, I’m making that a thing with an official title.

Emily and I were in the same class in third grade but it wasn’t until we both started going to the Boys and Girls Club after school that we really started hanging out. We quickly became best buds and spent most of our time together.

Over the years there have been ups and downs but thankfully we have stayed connected. We know each others stories, all about our families and always want the best for one another.

Friendships are an amazing part of life especially when they span the ages. I feel like you really have to learn to be a good friend. Some of the qualities of friendship are innate but it’s a part of life to grow into your role as a kind, thoughtful, be-there-when-it-counts friend.

I’ve made mistakes over the years with this relationship. Poor communication, petty arguments, not being there for important moments, saying the wrong thing and overall shitty immature behavior. But, those are the life lessons that we get during our time in Earth school. I’m grateful I had the opportunity to figure it out as I went and luckily at this point the good times far outweigh the not so good.

I feel so fortunate to have always had at least a few good female relationships throughout my life. My friendship with Emily has contributed to my current passion for bringing women together for support and connection. I talk to many women who have struggled to maintain relationships with other women stating “I’ve always connected more with guys.”

I believe women need each other. We are stronger together and I vow to continue to nurture my female relationships so that I can be living proof of this truth.

Emily now has a daughter and she recently took time away from her mama duties to come visit me and see my life in San Jose. I have some new friends here but nothing beats the comfort of an old friend. At the end of the day we all just want to be seen, accepted as we are and loved unconditionally. Thanks Emily for being my Silver Friend. Let’s go for Gold!

5th Grade

5th Grade

6th Grade

6th Grade

8th Grade

8th Grade

High School Trip to Europe

High School Trip to Europe

Early College Days

Early College Days

Costa Rica 2005

Costa Rica 2005

"Will you be my Maid of Honor?"

“Will you be my Maid of Honor?”

Wedding

Wedding 2008

My 30th

My 30th

Present Day

Present Day

What’s with All the Goddess Talk?

I recently had a friend tell me they would like to accept the invitation to be on my podcast but that they felt removed from the Goddess thing, and so maybe it wasn’t a good fit. I lead Goddess Circles, the podcast title includes the word Goddesses and I regularly refer to women in general as Goddesses. So, what is with all the Goddess talk?

I think each person who identifies as a woman is also a Goddess. And not just when she is looking beautiful and acting feminine by traditional standards. The energy of the Divine Feminine, also known as Shakti in the yoga tradition, not only represents us as women but also represents the universal energy all around us. Shakti is what drives us to be passionate and loving beings on this Earth. Shakti is creativity and expression. Shakti is wild and free. It is in us and we are a part of it. This balanced with the masculine energy of Shiva makes us whole and complete.

The Goddesses of Yoga, as in most other traditions, includes women who turn heads with their beauty but also those who are fierce warriors, devoted servants, nurturing mothers and wise crones. They represent different aspects of ourselves and our life stages.

Living as a Goddess means that you believe each and everything you do is connected back to the Divine. It’s not to say that you are only being Goddess-like when you are dressed in your favorite outfit or have your hair done nicely. You are a Goddess as soon as you roll out of bed and even if you look a mess or feel like you don’t have your life together. There is no separation from the mundane and the Sacred. Everything is Sacred. Each one of us is Sacred.

By leading women’s circles and sharing the podcast my hope is that women will connect into the energy of their inner Goddess so that they feel beautiful, worthy, loved and valuable. The more each of us becomes an expression of the Divine Feminine allowing our inner Goddess to shine, the more others will feel permission to do the same. And the more the men in our lives will also show up as their Divine Masculine self.

Please remember that you are a Goddess in each and every aspect, stage, phase, and moment of your life. When you walk, talk, move, dance, sing, cook, make love, cry, scream, yell, curse. It’s all you, it’s all beautiful, it’s all you as Goddess.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vichaye Svaha – I learned this mantra with Sally Kempton and Shiva Rea. It invokes the mother Goddess and asks for her presence and inspiration as well as for her to remove any obstacles in your way. Mantra is often known as the “body of the Goddess.” Chant this for power and connection to your inner Goddess.

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Art of Attention

Earlier this week I got to spend three days with Elena Brower in her Art of Attention Teacher Enhancement Module. She first came onto my radar about 5 years ago at Wanderlust in Squaw Valley. It was clear she was bringing something special to the table and I have continued to follow her and be inspired by her work. I know I will be unpacking the wisdom that she shared over the coming weeks, months and maybe even years but here are some of the stand out gems.

Throughout the three days Elena returned again and again to the simple but profound idea that we have to practice what it is we are seeking. If we want more trust in life, learn how to trust ourselves. If we want to become better teachers, be better students. If we want those around us to act a certain way, lead the way as the example. If we worry about others judging us, stop judging others. If we want abundance in our lives, give abundantly. Remarkably simple but monumentally profound.

Cultivating our own practices was of utmost important to her. What we share with others we must first do ourselves. She implored us all to get serious about our meditation practice and make it a non-negotiable part of our daily lives. I’ll be the first to say my meditation practice is inconsistent at best. I know the value of it and I have periods – sometimes even fairly long ones – where I am very on top of it. And then something gets in the way.

Writing at least one blog post per month is one of the few promises that I have made to myself and actually kept. Keeping a journal is another. I have been consistent in sharing something with the world each month for the past 31 months. It feels good and I am proud of myself. But there are too many other promises that have been broken and frankly the stakes are high. My daily practices determine how I show up in the world and ultimately my overall happiness in life. As Elena put it, “our happiness is our service” and so I recommit to my meditation practice first and foremost. 20 minutes of sitting each day to clear out the accumulation of hurt, doubt, fear, sadness and shitty thoughts.

My gratitude runs deep for some extremely potent teachings that have been passed on to me from Elena and many other gifted teachers. These gifts are largely unwrapped but not yet fully appreciated. They come together over time like pieces of a great puzzle. Sometimes duplicated but always fitting a little differently. I commit to diving in each chance I get so that I can always share from a place of experience.

Elena and I

Elena and I

Art of Attention family

Art of Attention family

Burning in My Own Flames

“You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes”  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

This idea of burning in your own flame, facing and even embracing your shadow side, was one of the themes of a recent week long training I took. An experience in which I got naked in more ways than one that left me forever changed.

Transformation and the embrace of paradox are key components of Tantra yoga and as Sianna Sherman so wonderfully stated: “when we deny the shadow parts of ourselves, our prana goes rushing after them and we become fragmented”. So, we explored the shadow and sat with the discomfort that bubbled up to the surface like the warm water of the Esalen hot springs.

What’s interesting is that the work has only just begun. It’s in the homecoming that the path is forged and the commitment to transformation is called forth.  Showing up day after day is the challenge and the blessing.

Once the gates are open, the shadow comes flooding in and can extinguish the flame that I work so hard to burn brightly. Not dedicated enough, not brave enough, not spiritual enough, not likeable or cool enough, still judging where I shouldn’t despite all efforts to quell this unspiritual nastiness. Have I played the victim more times than I care to admit? Do I care more about what people think than I let on? Do I define myself by my limitations?

What if I honor all parts of myself and sit with the tension of the opposites? What if both are true at the same time? I’m both dedicated and lazy. I’m both brave and terrified. I’m both spiritual and disconnected. Cool and totally uncool. Judgmental and fully accepting. Strong woman and helpless victim. Each opposite coming together to weave the story of my life.

We are born out of darkness and the only way to reveal the light is to navigate the dark. And so the practice is what stokes the alchemical process of turning the lead to gold. Asana, mantra, mudra, meditation, breath. I return with a renewed sense of vigor for the practice including a 40 day sadhana (spiritual practice) of chanting to Lakshmi – Goddess of Abundance.

I vow to stay in the fire more than is comfortable in my yoga practice and in my life. To embody and then burn away the parts of myself that are keeping me from my most honest, true self.  Layer by layer of uncovering the dust that has been accumulated over a lifetime so that my deepest soul brilliance, my Shri can shine.

Om Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

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Esalen sunset

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Early morning “rainbow moon”

 

 

Power and Balance

Power and Balance were the words I chose for my 2014. The process of choosing them is pretty simple; before the year starts I take the first thing that comes to mind provided that the words feel good to me. I have no idea how they will play out but I just trust that they are perfect.

Power

I have to admit, this word surprised me a little when it showed up. Power sounded harsh but I realized it’s because we have been conditioned to see power and the abuse of power as inextricably related. I know that we all are powerful beings who sometimes forget this universal truth and shrink when it comes to using our power in a positive way.  I wanted to feel powerful in a way that affirmed my skills, my confidence and my personal empowerment. Power showed up for me in several ways this year. I felt powerful as a teacher. I taught a weekly yoga class and I taught several reiki classes. In both I felt the power of sharing information and being open to learning more with every step of my teaching. I felt the power of knowledge in several classes that I took on yoga, reiki, meditation, therapeutic techniques and language. There is power in possibility and I came up with many directions I can take my business and my offerings to the world.  The power of sisterhood continues to floor me and I am grateful for all the wonderful connections I continue to nurture. I got engaged this year and felt immense power in the love I share with my fiance and also in embracing my divine feminine nature. Previously I felt that I had to show my power by being independent and not needing anyone else. I have since learned that there is power in partnership. Being open to a role that you are hardwired to play and that compliments another person is an awesome display of power.

Balance

Finding balance is something that we are all seeking (right?!) and a word that we therapists throw around like a Sunday football. Work/life balance, balanced diet, balance in yoga practice, balancing time alone and time spent with others. I could go on and on about our use of this word but guess what?  I call bullshit! My apologies to clients who have heard me talk about this and believed me. Don’t get me wrong, I still think it has a use and is important in our seeking peace and calm in life but sometimes things are just messier than that. Sometimes balance in the traditional sense just isn’t possible. My year was all over the place when it comes to balance. I was stuck in a job that was sucking me dry, begging for a way out. Now I’ve quit my job, moved to a new place and the scale has completely tipped. The only thing I have to worry about now is what yoga class to go to and what I am making for dinner. No more grouchy nights and self-loathing mornings. This feels much better of course but I also know things will shift. I will start working again and it won’t be as effortless to get to my meditation cushion each morning. So yes, balance is important but I’d like to redefine it as an always moving, work in progress that we never quite master. And, I’m totally ok with that!

My words for 2015 have been mulled over a bit and what sticks are Faith and Flow. I can’t wait to see what the year ahead brings. May 2015 bless you all with whatever your soul calls for.

 

Yes to love!

Yes to love!

Reiki Sisters

Reiki Sisters

Small kitty in a big new place

Small kitty in a big new place