Category Archives: Inspiration

Meditation Exaltation

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It was almost three years ago that I took my first yoga teacher intensive with Elena Brower. I learned so much in those three days and yet she said the one thing she wanted us to leave with was the importance of a daily meditation practice. I knew meditation was important and I had dabbled in it but I never fully committed. I don’t know about you but I often have to hear things multiple times in multiple ways before they stick. And so I left that training with my intention set…I would become a daily meditator. And I did! I sat each day for 365 days straight. It was perhaps the most accomplished I had ever felt about anything. I also felt great.

But as life would have it, I did not continue long term with such vigor. I never fully gave up but I had moments where my practice waxed and waned. I had a time where I was more focused on asana and that was a nice change. They are both important and I struggled to balance my time between the two. Also, dedication and consistency do not come naturally to me and so I really have to make an effort. Maybe that is true for everyone but the story I sometimes tell myself is that other people commit and achieve things easier than I do.

My recent dip in dedicated came when we moved back to San Diego. For whatever glorious reason (sheer exhaustion I think) I was sleeping in a lot more than I ever have before. And so my practice suffered. If I don’t sit the moment I wake, before I start other things, it just won’t happen. I felt bad about it (because I packed my meditation cushion and everything!) but I let my body get the rest it needed.

Recently I started a new job and I knew it would be an adjustment. Funny to think when I had all the time in the world I was sleeping in. But now that I am getting up earlier I am making time to sit. It’s so worth it! But I have to choose it each day. I can’t hit snooze or do other things. It helps that right now we are living in one room and my cushion is literally right off my bed. So I roll out of bed, sit down, set my timer and just be.

If you are thinking that you can’t meditate or don’t have the time I challenge you to acknowledge that it doesn’t come easy for any of us and that’s why we practice. Also, we make time for what’s important.

But this is about me and my journey, not yours. Although if you needed that extra loving push to get started or keep going…here it is! I am here to say that meditation has changed my life and I’m grateful for all the times and ways it has enhanced my practice, shown me life lessons and impacted the way I show up in the world. It sounds somewhat silly to say it has made me a better person but it’s the truth. Just sit friends. You won’t regret it. And make sure to forgive yourself and keep going when your practice lags.

It should be noted that there are times when a seated meditation practice can bring up too much and is not recommended. In cases of trauma or extreme emotional distress meditation should either be avoided, approached with extreme caution or done with the support of a trauma informed therapist or meditation instructor. There is a great book on this topic that I just read called “Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness” by David Treleaven. It’s a great read.

photo by Darci Fontenot

Haiku Very Much

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I’ve made it a new normal to make time for creativity. Painting, writing, drawing, dancing. It’s still a struggle since it is a new reality for me but it’s imperative. I can no longer hide behind the guise of not being a creative person. I tried and it doesn’t work. A beautiful byproduct of being human is that we are all creative. Let me say that again for those of you hiding like I was: WE ARE ALL CREATIVE! And I have to create to keep the channel open. It doesn’t have to be good but I still have to create to keep the juices flowing. The pool of creativity is endless but you have to jump in and get wet. Putting paint on paper has been a huge healer for me as has writing haikus. It’s one of the easiest things to create on the fly and it’s quite fun. 3 lines, 5, 7 & 5 syllables, endless opportunities. Here are a few of mine.

Change is coming soon.
Full moon magic gently calls.
Peace through transition

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Waiting, wishing, hope.
Believe. All is provided.
Trust the Universe.

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My evolution
creates transformation. Breathe.
Ride the waves of life.

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No one got the rules
of how to be an adult.
We are all fumbling.

Be patient. Forgive
Yourself and others. Choose love.
Time waits for no one.

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A Return to Love

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I read A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson for the first time in 2012. I have since read it again and likely not for the last time. I can distinctly remember the shift my brain had to make to integrate the idea that our nature is love, and anything that does not look like love is just a request for more love. It certainly made sense on a fundamental level but this is not the message we get in everyday life, so it took some getting used to.

Last night I got to see Marianne speak in Santa Cruz. It was really wonderful but she was actually quite different in person than I expected. Her speech was a fiery sermon aimed to get us worked up about the times we live in right now. She said that it’s not the first time society has strayed outside of what is moral and ethical but let us not be the first people in history to do nothing about it.

Of course we have to take action to make change, but the predictable plot twist is that it has little to do with others and everything to do with ourselves. It all comes back to us. How can we be more loving, more accepting, more devoted. “get the message IN first”. Then and only then can we collectively make the shifts that are needed. She addressed the need for the spiritual community to get more involved in politics so that the needle can be moved in the right direction.

Her ability to share perspectives and address human concerns was so highly skillful it was just an honor to witness. And as much as she is all about love, she is also about being straightforward and encouraging personal responsibility.

She called a few people out during the Q & A portion in a way that had me clapping in agreement, but also left me wondering if I would have been crying had I been in their shoes. One of these moments that stuck with me the most was when a woman shared difficulty in living with her father. She reported he brought “negative male energy” into the house. “This has to stop right now” Marianne said “that is not nice to men and it’s NOT ok”, I appreciate that she named this epidemic of putting men down.

But of course there is also the other side of the coin where women are still suppressed on so many levels. She said “let women speak in declarative sentences and say what they want”. She addressed the high incidence of depression in women and that if we are actually paying attention it makes perfect sense that we are depressed.

She encouraged us to always look for the lesson and where you could have reacted with more love. Can we make it our practice to send love to everything and everyone to overcome the hate that exists right now. This does not mean we blindly put up with everything in the name of love though. She said it’s time for us to own our yes and own our no. “Love always gives the loving response and sometimes the response is no”

Practice is key! Start in the morning, fill your consciousness with light and pray to the God of your own understanding to be of service. “Everything you do is your ministry”. As the Course in Miracles says: Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say and to whom?

My girlfriends and I stood in line for her book signing. I didn’t have anything for her to sign but I joined in a photo we requested. At the very end there was a moment where she made direct eye contact (the type of gaze that made me feel like she really saw me) and I said thank you so much. I immediately remembered something from a part of her speech where she said that when you are on this path and leading a life of love and purpose, there is a light in your eyes. Other people who have it, recognize it, and people who don’t have it want to know where you got it.

Ever a work in progress, I’m so grateful to be doing the best I can each day, making practice a priority and fully experiencing all the parts of life. And as Marianne said “It’s not over ’til the happy part”

Meditation 365

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I did it! A year of meditating every day.

I woke up this morning so so excited…like a kid going to Disneyland. I got my butt to my meditation cushion and felt an immense amount of gratitude. I have showed up for myself again and again and it has made a huge impact.

It hasn’t always been easy or ideal but each day I made a commitment to cultivating more peace and to making time for stillness. It’s the greatest gift I have given myself.

And I find that when life feels rough, meditation is the first thing I want to do now. Not to bypass the emotion but to let it wash over me so it can slowly dissipate. Elena Brower, my teacher and inspiration in all of this, says it’s like inviting the house cleaner over each morning. Meditation sweeps out the dirt life throws at us leaving our hearts polished.

My absolute hope is to keep up this practice but I also know that gentleness and forgiveness is part of this journey. 365 days of devotion to self-love and self-care is a foundation that I know will continue to serve me. Adding in a second afternoon/evening meditation and creating more space for the physical practice are my hopes for the future.

Breath. Softness. Opening to Love. Commitment. Practice. Stillness.

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What’s with All the Goddess Talk?

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I recently had a friend tell me they would like to accept the invitation to be on my podcast but that they felt removed from the Goddess thing, and so maybe it wasn’t a good fit. I lead Goddess Circles, the podcast title includes the word Goddesses and I regularly refer to women in general as Goddesses. So, what is with all the Goddess talk?

I think each person who identifies as a woman is also a Goddess. And not just when she is looking beautiful and acting feminine by traditional standards. The energy of the Divine Feminine, also known as Shakti in the yoga tradition, not only represents us as women but also represents the universal energy all around us. Shakti is what drives us to be passionate and loving beings on this Earth. Shakti is creativity and expression. Shakti is wild and free. It is in us and we are a part of it. This balanced with the masculine energy of Shiva makes us whole and complete.

The Goddesses of Yoga, as in most other traditions, includes women who turn heads with their beauty but also those who are fierce warriors, devoted servants, nurturing mothers and wise crones. They represent different aspects of ourselves and our life stages.

Living as a Goddess means that you believe each and everything you do is connected back to the Divine. It’s not to say that you are only being Goddess-like when you are dressed in your favorite outfit or have your hair done nicely. You are a Goddess as soon as you roll out of bed and even if you look a mess or feel like you don’t have your life together. There is no separation from the mundane and the Sacred. Everything is Sacred. Each one of us is Sacred.

By leading women’s circles and sharing the podcast my hope is that women will connect into the energy of their inner Goddess so that they feel beautiful, worthy, loved and valuable. The more each of us becomes an expression of the Divine Feminine allowing our inner Goddess to shine, the more others will feel permission to do the same. And the more the men in our lives will also show up as their Divine Masculine self.

Please remember that you are a Goddess in each and every aspect, stage, phase, and moment of your life. When you walk, talk, move, dance, sing, cook, make love, cry, scream, yell, curse. It’s all you, it’s all beautiful, it’s all you as Goddess.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vichaye Svaha – I learned this mantra with Sally Kempton and Shiva Rea. It invokes the mother Goddess and asks for her presence and inspiration as well as for her to remove any obstacles in your way. Mantra is often known as the “body of the Goddess.” Chant this for power and connection to your inner Goddess.

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You Have to Play to Win: Showing Up and Being Seen

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How many times in life do we sit back and wish that something were different but take no action? I’ve been guilty of it many times before. Most recently I found myself watching friends get published in online journals and feeling a pang of envy. I would be happy for them but wish it were happening to me too. And yet I had not submitted anything. I was approached in 2014 to write for an online anxiety website and an article of mine had been published. It was a neat experience but I did not pursue it much further mostly because I got busy with my move up north but also because I asked myself “what would I write about that would add value to the world?”

But each time I would hear that someone had been published I just couldn’t shake that yearning. I still couldn’t imagine what I would contribute but I also started to realize that if I didn’t submit anything at all I would never find out. One morning with the creativity Gods on my side, I awoke early with a great idea. I wrote it out, submitted it, was asked to do some edits and was on my way to being published.

So I made into the club that I had been lusting after. It was fun, a little scary and ultimately not what I had made it out to be in my head. See some of the story I was telling myself was about why I wasn’t qualified to get something published. Who am I to share wisdom outside of my little tiny blog? Who would read it and would they even care? As you might already know, the stories we tell ourselves are powerful. Even when they are not based in any reality we have a funny way of accepting them as the absolute truth.

The real truth is we all have something to add to this world. Every single one of us! It may not come in the form of being published but that was the call that was pulling me and ultimately I had to squash the voice that told me I had nothing to offer. For me, that voice is a mix of fear, doubt and not feeling good enough but it’s only as powerful as we let it be. As Krishna Das says “Don’t believe everything you think.”

I’ve been working on another creative project in the form of a podcast and I think that experience not only inspired me to explore other mediums of creating but also to show up no matter what. I have never put together a podcast. I didn’t know the first thing about it. But I knew that I wanted desperately to connect with these amazing women I have the pleasure of knowing and I thought somebody else might want to listen in on our conversations. So I went for it and nothing about it has been perfect but it has been the perfect experience for me right now.

And as it goes, this all happened in perfect timing. That twinge of desire is what drove me to create and wouldn’t you know it, once I got the ball rolling I had not one but two articles published within a week of each other. I know that voice that held me back will creep in again throughout my life. Maybe in this same area or maybe in another, but I hope I continue to choose to show up anyway. Brene Brown talks about showing up and being seen in her work but specifically in her book Daring Greatly. There will always be critics and often they are ourselves. But if we don’t show up and go for it we will by default avoid failure but we will also miss out on achievement. I know which world lights me up and keeps me inspired.

Here are the articles in case you’d like to have a read:

Confessions of a Feminist who Loves being a Housewife

Lessons on Being: Commitment to a Meditation Practice 

Thank you – A love poem

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Disclaimer: I hit publish but had to come back and add this. Please know if you are someone who has things they just can’t be grateful for – now or ever. I honor you and that truth. This was just true (and needed) for me today.

Giving thanks for what we have is just the start.

What if we give thanks for what we don’t have, what hasn’t shown up yet or even the challenges that seem to be blocking us?

Each and every piece of this radically beautiful life is just as it should be.

It’s easy to be grateful for all the cosmic yeses and all the things that go just the way we planned but what about the nos, the losses, the failures, the not yets?

These are just as much a part of the story and worthy of our gratitude.

Maybe even more so than all that’s going right because each challenge gets us closer to our truth.

The path is illuminated not just by what falls into place but also by what falls apart.

Be thankful for everything. All of it. The highs and lows. The yeses and nos.

Practice gratitude for each and every precious moment.

Thanksgiving morning wake up call

Thanksgiving morning wake up call

Art of Attention

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Earlier this week I got to spend three days with Elena Brower in her Art of Attention Teacher Enhancement Module. She first came onto my radar about 5 years ago at Wanderlust in Squaw Valley. It was clear she was bringing something special to the table and I have continued to follow her and be inspired by her work. I know I will be unpacking the wisdom that she shared over the coming weeks, months and maybe even years but here are some of the stand out gems.

Throughout the three days Elena returned again and again to the simple but profound idea that we have to practice what it is we are seeking. If we want more trust in life, learn how to trust ourselves. If we want to become better teachers, be better students. If we want those around us to act a certain way, lead the way as the example. If we worry about others judging us, stop judging others. If we want abundance in our lives, give abundantly. Remarkably simple but monumentally profound.

Cultivating our own practices was of utmost important to her. What we share with others we must first do ourselves. She implored us all to get serious about our meditation practice and make it a non-negotiable part of our daily lives. I’ll be the first to say my meditation practice is inconsistent at best. I know the value of it and I have periods – sometimes even fairly long ones – where I am very on top of it. And then something gets in the way.

Writing at least one blog post per month is one of the few promises that I have made to myself and actually kept. Keeping a journal is another. I have been consistent in sharing something with the world each month for the past 31 months. It feels good and I am proud of myself. But there are too many other promises that have been broken and frankly the stakes are high. My daily practices determine how I show up in the world and ultimately my overall happiness in life. As Elena put it, “our happiness is our service” and so I recommit to my meditation practice first and foremost. 20 minutes of sitting each day to clear out the accumulation of hurt, doubt, fear, sadness and shitty thoughts.

My gratitude runs deep for some extremely potent teachings that have been passed on to me from Elena and many other gifted teachers. These gifts are largely unwrapped but not yet fully appreciated. They come together over time like pieces of a great puzzle. Sometimes duplicated but always fitting a little differently. I commit to diving in each chance I get so that I can always share from a place of experience.

Elena and I

Elena and I

Art of Attention family

Art of Attention family

Student Before Teacher Always

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Be the best student.

This recent advice from Elena Brower, a New York yoga teacher who I admire very much, has stayed with me over the week or so since I heard it. Luckily it’s not the first time such wisdom has been shared with me but it certainly does not hurt to hear it again and again. I love school, I love books and I love learning. I always have and I suspect I always will. Being a student comes naturally to me but the shadow side of this is that sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking I already learned something and don’t need to hear it again. I like to call this shadow side the “know-it-all Teacher’s Pet.” I suspect s/he lives in all of us but she can be particularly outspoken for me and I have to gently encourage her to soften and allow the “forever student, always curious” side to settle in. It’s gotten easier over the years as I mature and especially as I study new things that I know less and less about. But for me it’s a constant reminder. Even if I know a lot about something, there is always a new perspective to consider and new information to integrate.

I watched both my parents model this idea of always learning and I am extremely grateful to come from people who are always striving to be better. Neither of my parents graduated college but they showed me the value of education in so many other relevant ways. My dad was at risk of someone taking over his job every 3 years and so he always made sure he was on top of all the latest in his field. I accompanied him on a business trip once and he told me on one of his meeting breaks that he didn’t understand half of what they were talking about but he was so happy to be among people who were knowledgeable and successful. “If I learn even a little bit of what they have to offer, it will be worth it” he told me. My mom has been teaching Jazzercise for almost 20 years but she still takes other instructor’s classes to learn from them. She always notices something positive about what they have to offer, even if they botch the choreography or fail to give any safety tips (there’s also so much learning in seeing what not to do!). My mom also took me to classes at community college when I was little. I have fond memories of being with her in the classroom and on campus.

And as much as I have had positive examples of the forever student model, there are some who become comfortable in their flow and get stagnant. The “I’ve already learned it all” folks are dangerous because while they may already know a ton, their inability to be open to further learning is a recipe for disaster. These folks may or may not be easy to spot at first but eventually it’s clear they do not consider themselves in need of further learning and inquiry. And as Elena shared specifically related to yoga, if you don’t have your own practice and show up as a student first and foremost your students will know. You simply cannot be an effective teacher without also being willing to be a student. This is relevant on and off the mat for sure.

We are all human before any other label but we also share certain roles throughout life. We each embody both student and teacher at some point, sometimes at the same time. Even when I am technically in a teaching role I find myself learning so much. I smile as I confirm (I already suspected) that I have logged more hours in trainings than I have teaching yoga since my 200 hour certification. And as I prepare to lead a workshop in a few weeks I dive deep into learning and re-learning as much as I can so I can offer the best of what I know. Another beautiful gem from Elena was that “a good teacher shows you where to look but does not tell you what to see” So even if I think I know what I am teaching, it is up to the learner to absorb and integrate it in a way that works for them. May we all be forever students and share what we know only second to learning all that we can.

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For the love of books!

Love Like the Banks of the River

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My commitment to myself and this site is one post per month so I already had a blog topic planned out. As much as I like being a free spirit, I also dig a good plan and find it comes in handy in many ways. But, because life is funny like that and I can be flexible, something else caught my attention.

My husband made a comment the other night that his path in life is clear, now I just need to find mine. At first my feelings were hurt…”What, I don’t have a clear path?!” But the more I thought about it the more I realized I only know vaguely what I want to do: help others. But it constantly changes and evolves each time I get inspired or learn something new. I thought I was destined to be a therapist starting as young as my peer helper days and into my clear delineation in the field of Psychology and Social Work. But that hasn’t brought me the joy and fulfillment that I desire and so I find myself searching for how to make a difference, keep my sanity and love my work.

Blake believes his purpose in life is to love me. Plain and simple. No strings attached. Just love me for me. Wow, right?! In fact, he says he felt this very strongly from the beginning of our relationship even before he knew for sure it was love. He didn’t tell me until we were more established as a couple and when a few of my trust issue barriers had been broken down a bit. Even then it was a lot for me to absorb. I know not everyone finds a partner like this although I know a few others who feel an intense amount of devotion from their partner. As absolutely lovely as it is sometimes it can be scary as well. And to some it sounds crazy. I recently shared this with a friend and their response was “Isn’t that a little obsessive?” Ha! Why, yes, yes it is! But not in a creepy stalker way, in a this love is so big I can’t contain it way. And yet that’s exactly what his love does: contain me. It literally creates a container for me to figure out how I want to serve.

Like the banks of a river creating shape, preventing an all out flood, my lovers intense love for me lets me be the river. I may tumble some rocks along the way, float leaves and twigs to a new destination and nourish the plants and animals who live nearby.  But, above all I get to flow freely.

Let me be clear, my husband’s devotion to me does not mean he has no interests of his own or that he follows me around like a lap dog. He is perfectly capable of moving through the world and taking care of his own shit. But like many of us who seek to find a purpose in life, it just makes things easier.

And also just because my purpose and path is not necessarily only about loving him does not mean that I am not also a devoted, loving wife. It is my honor to be married to him and we all win when there is enough love to go around for all. I may never get crystal clear on what my specific path is either. I know giving back and making the world a nicer place is on my list of to-dos in this life but that may show up in hundreds of ever-changing ways and I’m ok with that. I know the banks of the river will hold me as long as they are needed and that is one of the greatest blessings I can imagine.

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