Category Archives: Practice makes better

Meditation Exaltation

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It was almost three years ago that I took my first yoga teacher intensive with Elena Brower. I learned so much in those three days and yet she said the one thing she wanted us to leave with was the importance of a daily meditation practice. I knew meditation was important and I had dabbled in it but I never fully committed. I don’t know about you but I often have to hear things multiple times in multiple ways before they stick. And so I left that training with my intention set…I would become a daily meditator. And I did! I sat each day for 365 days straight. It was perhaps the most accomplished I had ever felt about anything. I also felt great.

But as life would have it, I did not continue long term with such vigor. I never fully gave up but I had moments where my practice waxed and waned. I had a time where I was more focused on asana and that was a nice change. They are both important and I struggled to balance my time between the two. Also, dedication and consistency do not come naturally to me and so I really have to make an effort. Maybe that is true for everyone but the story I sometimes tell myself is that other people commit and achieve things easier than I do.

My recent dip in dedicated came when we moved back to San Diego. For whatever glorious reason (sheer exhaustion I think) I was sleeping in a lot more than I ever have before. And so my practice suffered. If I don’t sit the moment I wake, before I start other things, it just won’t happen. I felt bad about it (because I packed my meditation cushion and everything!) but I let my body get the rest it needed.

Recently I started a new job and I knew it would be an adjustment. Funny to think when I had all the time in the world I was sleeping in. But now that I am getting up earlier I am making time to sit. It’s so worth it! But I have to choose it each day. I can’t hit snooze or do other things. It helps that right now we are living in one room and my cushion is literally right off my bed. So I roll out of bed, sit down, set my timer and just be.

If you are thinking that you can’t meditate or don’t have the time I challenge you to acknowledge that it doesn’t come easy for any of us and that’s why we practice. Also, we make time for what’s important.

But this is about me and my journey, not yours. Although if you needed that extra loving push to get started or keep going…here it is! I am here to say that meditation has changed my life and I’m grateful for all the times and ways it has enhanced my practice, shown me life lessons and impacted the way I show up in the world. It sounds somewhat silly to say it has made me a better person but it’s the truth. Just sit friends. You won’t regret it. And make sure to forgive yourself and keep going when your practice lags.

It should be noted that there are times when a seated meditation practice can bring up too much and is not recommended. In cases of trauma or extreme emotional distress meditation should either be avoided, approached with extreme caution or done with the support of a trauma informed therapist or meditation instructor. There is a great book on this topic that I just read called “Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness” by David Treleaven. It’s a great read.

photo by Darci Fontenot

On Not Being an Asshole & Self-Forgiveness

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Telling the truth about how I feel and speaking up about what I want are not struggles I have had since I entered this world. Granted I’ve been through phases and relationships where I find it more difficult to communicate, I am largely an outspoken outgoing individual. Early on in my husband and my dating life my mother made the comment that perhaps she failed to build a filter into my little brain. It has been both a blessing and a curse and navigating the balance has been enough work to keep me busy in this life.

I have learned that not everyone can say what’s on their mind with ease. It was difficult for me to understand why people couldn’t just say what they needed. But after years of working with people I have come to realize it is a real challenge for many.

While I am grateful for this gift life has given me, just because I can say what’s on my mind doesn’t mean I have figured out how to do it well. Sometimes I open my mouth to say something and it comes out sounding pretty damn rude! I rarely mean to be a jerk but my tone and choice of words are often lacking.

This happened recently with a stranger who came over to ask me a question. I was caught off guard and responded harshly without thinking. I tried to backtrack when I heard the words leave my lips but I doubt it was enough to make up for my sharp tongue. I was embarrassed because it was witnessed by a friend and I mumbled something like “Wow, I think that sounded way worse than I meant it to”

And so as per usual when I have a human moment, I agonized over it that day and into the next. Thankfully many times when I speak before thinking or lose my cool I can apologize because it’s happened with someone I know. With this particular stranger I had no way of reaching him. I was bummed to think he would be walking around without the knowledge that I’m not really that awful.

I was left with only one thing to do really. Forgive myself first. We all experience foot in mouth moments and sometimes they are at the expense of others feelings. Dwelling on it and feeling badly about myself wouldn’t get me very far. So I forgave myself and vowed to work on finding more space. If speaking before thinking is my pattern then pausing and feeling before responding is my work.

And a little while later I told my husband about it and we both laughed at how ridiculous I can be. I figure it shouldn’t be so hard not to be an asshole but this class is almost always on my Earth school curriculum.

Meditation 365

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I did it! A year of meditating every day.

I woke up this morning so so excited…like a kid going to Disneyland. I got my butt to my meditation cushion and felt an immense amount of gratitude. I have showed up for myself again and again and it has made a huge impact.

It hasn’t always been easy or ideal but each day I made a commitment to cultivating more peace and to making time for stillness. It’s the greatest gift I have given myself.

And I find that when life feels rough, meditation is the first thing I want to do now. Not to bypass the emotion but to let it wash over me so it can slowly dissipate. Elena Brower, my teacher and inspiration in all of this, says it’s like inviting the house cleaner over each morning. Meditation sweeps out the dirt life throws at us leaving our hearts polished.

My absolute hope is to keep up this practice but I also know that gentleness and forgiveness is part of this journey. 365 days of devotion to self-love and self-care is a foundation that I know will continue to serve me. Adding in a second afternoon/evening meditation and creating more space for the physical practice are my hopes for the future.

Breath. Softness. Opening to Love. Commitment. Practice. Stillness.

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How I Lost My Writing Mojo

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I used to love to write. At one time in my life I said I wanted to be a writer. I think I decided on writer after realizing perhaps singer with my own lemonade stand was not realistic enough. English was my favorite subject in school, I always received good grades on essays and even had fun writing them, especially if they were reflecting on books I enjoyed reading. I struggled with grammar sometimes, damn comma rules are confusing, but my teachers always told us you can do whatever you want with grammar once you are a writer!

I wrote countless short stories when I was younger that were quite creative and fun.  I specifically remember a story with corresponding characters made from felt (the one artistic medium that was accessible to me as a non-artist!) about a crocodile and a mouse who became friends. I wrote poems and thoughtful messages in greeting cards to friends and family. I also had numerous pen pals who I exchanged actual snail mail with on a regular basis. I took a creative writing class in college in which I dissected a commercial and analyzed each detail about it, mostly pointing out the blatant sexism it displayed. I got a good grade on this paper and in the class and I was very proud of all of my work. It felt creative and a true reflection of my abilities.

I’m not sure when I realized that I no longer felt like a good writer. It became more clear to me when I started this website and blog. I would sit down to write and while I had things to say I didn’t feel like they sounded “good” or “creative” or like they came from a “writer.” I also once criticized my partner for writing in our travel journal as if he was writing a novel. I just documented the facts and he wrote all the details as if it were a story, a beautifully written story. His feelings were hurt and I was left wondering why I took a stab at his writing. His writing, by the way, played a big part in him wooing me early on in our relationship. It is good stuff and I continue to love the cards, texts and notes he writes me!  As often happens in life, others reflect a mirror back to us of what we need to see about ourselves and our first response sometimes is to lash out. I was envious that he had this creative streak in him and I was left just stating what we did.

I have recently felt more drawn to writing and have had others tell me they see this in my path as well. This got me thinking, ‘when did I lose my writing mojo?’ I figured it out and have since been trying to re-write, so to speak, this part of my life. I started graduate school for social work in 2006 and have been doing this work ever since. Much of the coursework and writings had to do with connecting to people and supporting them through difficult life circumstances. And in the workplace client documentation looks something like this: “Client presents with depressed mood and congruent affect. She reports recent increase in crying spells and inability to get to work on many days. She has thought about suicide but does not have a plan or intent to act. No reported history of drug or alcohol use” 

This kind of writing is the norm in the mental health community but holy crap is it boring! These notes are medical in nature and are meant to just report the facts. Well, no wonder I lost my creative spark writing this kind of thing all. the. time. Can you blame me?! I’m happy to say that thanks to starting this blog and becoming aware of when things went wrong, I am recovering from my boring, fact-stating, snooze fest writings. I don’t have to just identify as a social worker writing boring therapist notes. I can be many things including a writer. All this time I thought perhaps I had just gotten more and more dumb the longer I was out of school. But, as with anything it takes practice. Just as I can’t expect to remember any Spanish if I don’t practice, I can’t be a better writer unless I write. And so I have written a blog each month for just over a year and I can honestly say that I feel more comfortable than I did with my writing. And that same partner, who supports me even when I’m mean to him, says I have gotten better too!

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