Category Archives: Racism

Vacationing While White

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My husband and I recently traveled to Maui with his family. Let me first say that we were there to celebrate with his sister and her husband on 10 years of marriage. It is such a blessing to have family to spend time with and I am always in favor of celebrating love and relationships. That part was wonderful! However, not everything left me feeling settled and satisfied with our travel choices.

The first night we went to a luau. Everyone was excited to be there, drink their first Mai Tai and be together. Our host was lovely and the dancers were fun to watch. But I couldn’t shake or really pinpoint this very uncomfortable feeling I was having. I thought maybe it was because it all felt very rehearsed and showy or maybe I was just tired from the travel. The next day my husband’s aunt made a very astute observation, we were a sea of white folks being entertained by brown people. The feelings from the night before came rushing in again; that was it!

My husband and I both noticed and openly discussed how white our resort was. Resort stays are not really our jam but again we were there with family. We started paying attention to non-white people we saw who did not work for the hotel. In our week stay we didn’t even count a dozen. We got excited when we saw a small group of black ladies but also wondered what it must feel like to be them. They were upbeat and seemed to be having a good time but if we felt weird about how white our resort was, who knows what it was like for them. Although depending on their experiences in the world those ladies might have been all too used to being the only people of color in their sphere.

With white skin I move through the world mostly undetected. Being in the south of India as a rare group of non-Indians was the most I have ever stood out and it was for good reasons. People wanted to take their picture with us and had smiles a mile wide. Traveling as a woman without a man has raised some eyebrows also but nothing too concerning.

I realize Maui brings in a lot of money through tourism and bolsters its economy in this way, but I wonder, is there a better way? The culture is so rich and while we did get little glimpses of that in our interactions, it was mostly hidden or masked by shows and entertainment. We take full responsibility for not doing a ton of research on the best ways to immerse yourself in Hawaiian culture. I think we figured it would be a toes in the sand, drink in hand kind of trip. To some extent that was our experience but we also felt like we missed out by staying in the land of white tourists.

Ultimately, my husband and I are trying to increase our awareness of white privilege and ways we can avoid engaging in blatant displays of said privilege. We certainly don’t have all the answers but we are trying to ask the questions and make decisions accordingly. Where we spend our time and money makes an impact and says a lot about who we are.

This is not meant to be a criticism of anyone who finds this type of trip blissful. Time off from work is precious and not plentiful enough in America which means sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first. But I do think it’s important for white people to question spaces that do not include people of color and/or make it difficult for them to feel included.

Maui holds some nice memories, including time spent with family, but next time we travel we hope to engage a little more closely with the land and the people as well as choose a place that’s more inclusive of all.

A great family shot at the vow renewal

A delicious Italian dinner

My best attempt at an underwater shot while snorkeling with non-profit org Pacific Whale Foundation

Some Masks We Should Never Wear

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On Saturday, my husband and I got invited to a fun Halloween party. We were super excited because it’s the first time we have had the chance to really dress up and go somewhere fun since we moved up North. The place was decorated, people were costumed, food and drinks were abundant and a live band was starting up.

I first saw this guy’s costume from behind and only noticed the afro and the Kaepernick jersey. I thought maybe he was honoring the fact that he started the take a knee movement, sounds alright to me. And then I saw him from the front and once my nearsighted eyes focused without my glasses, I noticed that he had painted his face black. What year is this? Haven’t people learned that it’s usually not ok to dress up as another race, culture, gender, etc. Especially when your intent is to poke fun or comment on sensitive current events.

But I’m not choosing to share because there are still clueless people out there, I guess that is not really a surprise. I want to share how I, as a well meaning person who believes in equal treatment for all, did not know what to do in this situation. It was clearly wrong and yet most everyone, including me, went on with the party. This dude was allowed to come into the event, (as it turns out he was good friends with the owner) the band didn’t come to a screeching halt when he made his entrance and he appeared to have a date and people who were willing to be around him as well.

It’s not that I didn’t consider saying something. I’m normally outspoken, often saying what’s on my mind to a fault including standing up for others. A well loved high school teacher said something extremely racist in class one day. It was directed at a fellow classmate and I called him out on the spot. He did not take kindly to this and disliked me for the rest of the school year but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I have also called out my grandparents (does anyone have grandparents who aren’t racist?) and sometimes my own parents for saying something off color.

My working plan was to confront this guy on the way out by casually letting him know his costume was not appropriate. The why of my not going right up to him and telling him in the moment was that we were with my friend for a work related party. I didn’t want to be the one who caused trouble or made her look bad. I also heard her tell her husband not to say anything. But honestly those are just excuses. When something isn’t right you should call it out no matter the consequences.

As it turned out my friend ended up confronting him when it became clear that no one was going to step up. As one of few black people at the party, she did not feel that it was right to leave without making it clear that this guy had overstepped to say the least. Although she was not the only one appalled, she was sadly in the minority. Many people, including the party’s host, brushed it off noting that it was supposed to be funny.

I noticed them connecting and thought perhaps it was going well. As I saw it start to take a turn with raised voices and unfriendly stares, I instinctively moved in closer but still said nothing. We left the party following this incident and later that night back at home, my husband and I wondered if we should have done more.

The short answer is yes, we should always speak up when something isn’t right. Perhaps it’s more complicated than that although I don’t think it should be. Why did we just go back to dancing and having fun after this guy cruised in with a disgusting display of privilege and complete lack of respect? Why was it that a black individual ended up being the one to speak out? And why was I more worried about looking bad or being difficult than standing up for my friend? I’m still asking myself this, and while I don’t have all the answers, I hope I keep asking the questions as long as it takes.

My friend said she didn’t intend to confront him at first and perhaps if her husband and we as her friends had not been there she might not have had the courage. I have to trust that our presence meant something and next time I have to do better. We all can do better.