Category Archives: Self-Love

How to Date Yourself

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When was the last time you took yourself out on a date? It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, just a quiet place and some dedicated time to self reflect. Yesterday was the new moon and after the light dusting of rain we got, the coast was clear and beautiful. I had a delicious healthy lunch, spent time meditating by the ocean, did some art and shopped for my Halloween costume. The moon cycles are a great way to set a monthly date with yourself. Mark down the new moon or full moon as your day to spend with yourself and stick with it as a self care practice. Life pulls us in a lot of different directions and we are often the ones who suffer. In my experience we are more likely to let ourselves down before we will do that to another person or obligation. It’s not selfish to put ourselves first and a monthly date is a great way to practice this. I also hosted by monthly new moon circle that night and it was the perfect end to the day. Join the Patreon community to connect in our next circle 10/27/19 and mark your calendar for a date with yourself! Everyone benefits when we take good care of ourselves.

Meditation Exaltation

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It was almost three years ago that I took my first yoga teacher intensive with Elena Brower. I learned so much in those three days and yet she said the one thing she wanted us to leave with was the importance of a daily meditation practice. I knew meditation was important and I had dabbled in it but I never fully committed. I don’t know about you but I often have to hear things multiple times in multiple ways before they stick. And so I left that training with my intention set…I would become a daily meditator. And I did! I sat each day for 365 days straight. It was perhaps the most accomplished I had ever felt about anything. I also felt great.

But as life would have it, I did not continue long term with such vigor. I never fully gave up but I had moments where my practice waxed and waned. I had a time where I was more focused on asana and that was a nice change. They are both important and I struggled to balance my time between the two. Also, dedication and consistency do not come naturally to me and so I really have to make an effort. Maybe that is true for everyone but the story I sometimes tell myself is that other people commit and achieve things easier than I do.

My recent dip in dedicated came when we moved back to San Diego. For whatever glorious reason (sheer exhaustion I think) I was sleeping in a lot more than I ever have before. And so my practice suffered. If I don’t sit the moment I wake, before I start other things, it just won’t happen. I felt bad about it (because I packed my meditation cushion and everything!) but I let my body get the rest it needed.

Recently I started a new job and I knew it would be an adjustment. Funny to think when I had all the time in the world I was sleeping in. But now that I am getting up earlier I am making time to sit. It’s so worth it! But I have to choose it each day. I can’t hit snooze or do other things. It helps that right now we are living in one room and my cushion is literally right off my bed. So I roll out of bed, sit down, set my timer and just be.

If you are thinking that you can’t meditate or don’t have the time I challenge you to acknowledge that it doesn’t come easy for any of us and that’s why we practice. Also, we make time for what’s important.

But this is about me and my journey, not yours. Although if you needed that extra loving push to get started or keep going…here it is! I am here to say that meditation has changed my life and I’m grateful for all the times and ways it has enhanced my practice, shown me life lessons and impacted the way I show up in the world. It sounds somewhat silly to say it has made me a better person but it’s the truth. Just sit friends. You won’t regret it. And make sure to forgive yourself and keep going when your practice lags.

It should be noted that there are times when a seated meditation practice can bring up too much and is not recommended. In cases of trauma or extreme emotional distress meditation should either be avoided, approached with extreme caution or done with the support of a trauma informed therapist or meditation instructor. There is a great book on this topic that I just read called “Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness” by David Treleaven. It’s a great read.

photo by Darci Fontenot

Soul Work & Sacred Secrets

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People tell me their secrets. And I’m not talking about in a hushed tone or drunken state, although that has happened too. I’m talking about the fact that I get paid to have people tell me what they haven’t told anyone else before. It’s weird really and sometimes I have to remind myself that this is the path I chose. It is not a coincidence that I hold the seat of the therapist. It was all by design and I try not to take it for granted.

Just so I am clear here, I don’t think secrets are all that helpful. The weight of carrying around something that needs to be said but never has been is heavy. But, life is complicated and there are many messages from parents, partners and most of all society that tell us to keep things to ourselves. Also, sometimes it’s not safe to share secrets or people do share and they are not believed. This needs to change and luckily a movement to do just that is rapidly building momentum. Look at the power that all the women (and men) coming forward with their secrets is creating. It’s amazing and it’s time.

But back to the secrets I get to hold. It struck me the other day when I heard for the hundredth or so time, “I have never told anyone this.” I always tell my clients and try to remember this myself: any work that you do on yourself whether within the walls of a therapist’s office, a yoga studio, out in Mother Nature or with your nose buried in a self help book is SACRED. It is the greatest work of the soul to say out loud what needs to be said, look at old patterns that aren’t working anymore, teach your body what it means to feel safe, and learn to love yourself along the way. Sharing these secrets is part of this process. The hope is that telling me is the catalyst for the rest of the process to emerge.

In hearing these secrets I am exposed to some of the most fucked up shit (that is indeed the clinical term for some of the bullshit human behavior I have encountered). I am talking abuse, violence, and neglect sometimes on a staggering scale. There is also the response to these things that starts out as adaptive and quickly moves into unhealthy. The addiction, self hatred, failed relationships, anger, deep pain and loss of self.

But for all the secrets and pain, I also get to witness the reclaiming of power, sense of purpose and magic that happens when the secrets are out and the healing can begin. It’s a precious place to be in the world: holding someone’s pain while seeing the light at the end of the tunnel before they ever can.

And I’m certainly not saying I have all the answers and that coming to therapy is like sliding down a rainbow on a unicorn. It can be rough and tumble and we all have human moments which means sometimes I say the wrong thing. But there is always room for repair and if I can show respect, understanding and leave judgement at the door we are good. For the most part I can do that and I feel super lucky to be on this path with so many others. Sometimes all we need is a witness and a cheerleader.

These people, the one who tell me their secrets. While I can never tell you who they actually are, they are the people we interact with on a regular basis. The people we work with and see in the grocery store and laugh with and play with. Rarely do the people in their immediate vicinity know the depth of their pain. Which means this is all of us. We are all working through the muck that is life while trying to remember and notice the beauty.

It’s also important to mention that the “fucked up shit” I have heard about was often an expression of pain. The wounded wound others and the cycle continues until someone can name it and break it. None of it is ok but it’s a helpful stance when the eventual work is forgiveness. Not for them but for us. Because as MLK Jr. so eloquently stated “I have decided to stick with love, hate is too great a burden to bear.”

I’m not sure what the conclusion of all of this is. It’s not meant to be an advertisement for therapy although as a therapist of course I would advocate seeking support if needed. More than anything I think it’s about the human condition and that we are all going through something. There are days when the last thing I want to do is hold someone else’s pain while I am feeling mine so deeply. But in that reality is the comfort that while I am witnessing my client I can also be holding myself in the process. And that is why I know everything is as it should be and I am right where I need to be.

I Stayed Too Long

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Know that what we do in fear will keep us from our path.

No matter how much the sacrifice seems worth it,

following the HEART is always a better plan.

Wait for the wave of peace that radiates when you are aligned.

Stay close to yourself.

Listen. Breathe. BE.

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Sorry, Not Sorry

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As a young adult I worked at the Del Mar Fair. It was a great summer job. You work everyday for the 20 or so days the fair is open with time in between work to enjoy the fun. I would plan out my daytime shifts so I could see the evening concerts I wanted, went often to say hello to the baby pigs and ate my fair share of deep fried and cheesy foods. I hold a lot of memories and life lessons from that time.

There was the time that I asked a man to see his ID for his credit card purchase and he said “My name is Inigo Montoya” to which I naturally replied “you killed my father prepare to die.” He was more than impressed with my knowledge of the reference.

The realization that many teachers were so underpaid that they needed to work the fair to earn extra money.

And the bicycle cop and man from the money room who flirted with me and made me feel special.

But of all the things that my young insecure self experienced, the one that sticks with me the most was this interaction with a customer. I went to give a man his change and not all of it landed in his hand. I sheepishly apologized as I fumbled with the coins. He looked me dead in the eye and said very seriously, “Don’t ever apologize too much in life” Taken aback I nearly squeaked “I’m sorry” but I caught myself just in time.

Since that time my awareness of all the times I apologize has increased. Frankly myself and many other women say it so often. Sometimes it seemed I was apologizing just for existing. It was almost an involuntary reflex. My ongoing work is to notice my “I’m sorrys” and to change my language. Offering up thank you instead of sorry is a useful tool I have learned. It’s certainly not perfect, but I am getting better.

So when I heard the young lady I work with apologize about seven times in one minute I cringed and remembered this lesson that was once bestowed upon me. She is just slightly older than I was during my fair days and likely just as insecure. I hesitated to say anything because it’s not really my place and maybe it would put her on the spot. But I sat uncomfortably thinking about what it might be like not to tell her also. I wavered back and forth and finally…

First I asked her if she didn’t mind getting unsolicited advice. Sure she said. Then I told her as sweetly as I could not to apologize too much in life. I shared with her my own process of understanding this and that it takes practice and awareness. I also told her my thank you trick. Her first reaction was that of slight embarrassment. Her body tensed and I think she even turned a little red. But as I shared my experience and admitted that I still don’t have it all figured out she softened. The spark of truth lit up inside her, she looked me in the eye and said thanks for sharing that.

Life’s too short to spend all your time apologizing. Unless of course you have screwed up. In that case, a heartfelt apology can go a long way and is most certainly warranted.

Love & Soul Conversations

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Today is my second wedding anniversary and our eighth year as a couple. We will celebrate together tonight and then I teach a Level 2 Reiki class on Sunday. Reiki 2 is a celebration and a homecoming of its own for me. My master presented it to me as the level of love and of healing relationships and I really took that to heart. The personal work that I did following my initiation into the second level of Reiki was the healing balm my heart needed to embrace marriage. I left the past in the past and opened my heart to a love-filled future with the best guy.

Now I teach the idea of finding solace from the feelings and emotions that accompany human relationships. Life is messy and heart break is real but love and compassion heal so many things. We often need to let go of the past to make room for what the future holds. It might seem ideal to hash it out in person, but sometimes it’s not appropriate or possible. Enter the soul conversation…

When individuals come together on a soul level much can be accomplished. If there is a situation, relationship or person that needs healing, consider doing the work in a meditation or dream state. Soul conversations give us the opportunity to take responsibility for our actions, ask for and offer forgiveness and send love to the situation. It’s important to recognize the role we played in the relationship, this is not a time for shaming and blaming. Each relationship has something to teach us and propels us into our next stage of personal growth.

Starting in meditation, take a few deep breaths offering love to yourself and your journey. Say a prayer or set an intention such as:

“May I find healing for the highest good of all concerned. May I take responsibility for my role and forgive both myself and the other parties. May the love that is offered up transform pain into sweetness, stuck energy into freedom.”

Ask to connect with the person or situation and have the conversation that you might like to have in person. Honor your part, share any sadness or anger, maybe even remember fun times too. Ask if they have anything to say and ask that they support you in letting go. Then fill the space between you with love. It may seem silly or not real but as is true with energy work, action follows intention. Whatever you come up with, even if it seems made up, is as real an experience as any other.

End with gratitude for self. Gratitude for the individual. Gratitude for life and the Divine. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It may take various times with some reflection in between. Be patient and kind during this process and recognize achievements. Then watch life bloom.

I celebrate love every day and each time I return to teach Reiki, I find new levels of healing that are revealed. Each layer that we unveil is a gift and an opportunity. May we all step into our highest self with an open heart.

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Meditation 365

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I did it! A year of meditating every day.

I woke up this morning so so excited…like a kid going to Disneyland. I got my butt to my meditation cushion and felt an immense amount of gratitude. I have showed up for myself again and again and it has made a huge impact.

It hasn’t always been easy or ideal but each day I made a commitment to cultivating more peace and to making time for stillness. It’s the greatest gift I have given myself.

And I find that when life feels rough, meditation is the first thing I want to do now. Not to bypass the emotion but to let it wash over me so it can slowly dissipate. Elena Brower, my teacher and inspiration in all of this, says it’s like inviting the house cleaner over each morning. Meditation sweeps out the dirt life throws at us leaving our hearts polished.

My absolute hope is to keep up this practice but I also know that gentleness and forgiveness is part of this journey. 365 days of devotion to self-love and self-care is a foundation that I know will continue to serve me. Adding in a second afternoon/evening meditation and creating more space for the physical practice are my hopes for the future.

Breath. Softness. Opening to Love. Commitment. Practice. Stillness.

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Budding Self-Blessings

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“The bud stands for all things, even for those that don’t flower, for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing; though sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness, to put a hand on the brow of the flower, and retell it in words and in touch, it is lovely until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing” – Galway Kinnell

September has come to a close and on this black moon (the second new moon of the month) I’m very aware of that which did not flower. 30 days full of potential and yet much of it did not come to pass in the way I would have imagined. And so I will hold the image of the bud as a symbol for all things flowering as a self-blessing. Just like the seed that we plant at new moon time to watch unfold across the course of the weeks and months that are left of this year. My daily practices and my commitment to self is my reminder of my loveliness. As it always goes, some flowers bloomed so beautifully, in colors that you can’t even imagine and others remained a seedling, a bud or even just an unconscious glimmer.

I am lovely and so are you.

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What’s with All the Goddess Talk?

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I recently had a friend tell me they would like to accept the invitation to be on my podcast but that they felt removed from the Goddess thing, and so maybe it wasn’t a good fit. I lead Goddess Circles, the podcast title includes the word Goddesses and I regularly refer to women in general as Goddesses. So, what is with all the Goddess talk?

I think each person who identifies as a woman is also a Goddess. And not just when she is looking beautiful and acting feminine by traditional standards. The energy of the Divine Feminine, also known as Shakti in the yoga tradition, not only represents us as women but also represents the universal energy all around us. Shakti is what drives us to be passionate and loving beings on this Earth. Shakti is creativity and expression. Shakti is wild and free. It is in us and we are a part of it. This balanced with the masculine energy of Shiva makes us whole and complete.

The Goddesses of Yoga, as in most other traditions, includes women who turn heads with their beauty but also those who are fierce warriors, devoted servants, nurturing mothers and wise crones. They represent different aspects of ourselves and our life stages.

Living as a Goddess means that you believe each and everything you do is connected back to the Divine. It’s not to say that you are only being Goddess-like when you are dressed in your favorite outfit or have your hair done nicely. You are a Goddess as soon as you roll out of bed and even if you look a mess or feel like you don’t have your life together. There is no separation from the mundane and the Sacred. Everything is Sacred. Each one of us is Sacred.

By leading women’s circles and sharing the podcast my hope is that women will connect into the energy of their inner Goddess so that they feel beautiful, worthy, loved and valuable. The more each of us becomes an expression of the Divine Feminine allowing our inner Goddess to shine, the more others will feel permission to do the same. And the more the men in our lives will also show up as their Divine Masculine self.

Please remember that you are a Goddess in each and every aspect, stage, phase, and moment of your life. When you walk, talk, move, dance, sing, cook, make love, cry, scream, yell, curse. It’s all you, it’s all beautiful, it’s all you as Goddess.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vichaye Svaha – I learned this mantra with Sally Kempton and Shiva Rea. It invokes the mother Goddess and asks for her presence and inspiration as well as for her to remove any obstacles in your way. Mantra is often known as the “body of the Goddess.” Chant this for power and connection to your inner Goddess.

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The Myth of Mastery

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This past weekend I had the pleasure of teaching my first Reiki Master class. I’ve been teaching Levels 1 & 2 since 2012 and I have come across so many wonderful souls on this journey. It is one of my greatest joys in life to share this healing technique with those who are interested. When I was young I wanted to be a teacher, mostly because I loved learning and I admired my teachers. And while my original intent was to be a school teacher, this role of teaching has morphed into many different things, one of them being sharing and teaching Reiki.

I knew in my heart I wanted to teach the master level at some point but I never felt enough mastery to justify it. As with most of the things I have interest in, I feel I could go a lifetime and not understand it all. Lucky for me the universe sent me all the right signs that I was in fact ready and to get my butt in gear. And so it was that I had the most beautiful weekend with 5 other healers on the path.

The thing I struggled with the most, was that because Reiki has been passed down over the years, there are variations on the teachings. I wanted to share the most authentic, closest to source information available but damned if I could figure out what that was. Usui (the founder of this kind of Reiki) lived long ago and there are not many people who truly know what he was offering. Especially since it is widely known that Takata, the women responsible for bringing it to the West, took liberties of her own. I agonized over what was right and what was wrong and second guessed a lot of it as I prepared for the training. After meditating, chatting with my Master and asking for guidance the message was clear “Teach what you learned, keep your intentions pure and your heart and mind open.” And the much needed reminder that this path of being a Master is not about knowing it all but about showing up to the practice and being dedicated to ongoing learning.

Did I know absolutely everything I needed to know? Not really. Did I have the most authentic version of the teachings? No one will ever know. Did I show up fully and share with my whole heart? Absolutely. And did my students learn something new that they can now share with others? You’re damn right they did!

The weekend was more than just about the Reiki Master teachings. It was about embracing ourselves just as we are, taking such good care of ourselves on a regular basis and answering the call to share as much love and healing with others as we can muster. That is true dedication to mastery.  And as the Dalai Lama says,

“The planet does not need more ‘successful people.’ The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds”

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