End of Life Lessons

Posted on November 30, 2018 by jesalynjae

I work in Hospice now. The subject of death, dying and grief is a new but regular experience for me. If you had told me 10 years ago, at the very beginning of my career, that I would be doing this work, I would not have believed you. It was last on my list, just under working with older adults with mental illness which ended up being my first job out of school.

It was too difficult, too sad, and how could I ever be able to sit with someone in the most difficult time and still be effective. It took 10 years, but my perspective shifted and so when the time came for me to get a new job in San Diego I applied for the Hospice position.

At four months into this new area of social work I can honestly say that I like it quite a bit. I love to be a student of new things and I am certainly learning a lot. But way more than the knowledge of what to expect in the last stage of life, I am moved by the people, the stories, the connection.

And really in the end, the people is why I became a social worker in the first place. We are all humans having different experiences in our time here on Earth and deep connection is what brings us together. I love that I get to be with people when things are hard. But interestingly, for some the end is not as difficult as you might think. Their last stage of the life journey is welcome and peaceful. I get a peek into that sacred part of people’s lives and just as watching life come into this world, watching one go is an honor.

What I am learning is not really any different than what I already know to be true. Life is what you make of it and even in the end things can be joyful, humorous, lighthearted and full of love. It’s not to say that there isn’t sadness, anger, grief and despair; that’s there too. But, just like life, death brings a mixed bag of emotions and experiences. It’s not just one thing but many and the sum of those parts make for a beautiful and for me spiritual experience.

In the Void Again

Posted on May 31, 2018 by jesalynjae

10 years

10 years since I finished grad school

Gains and losses have passed the time

More grays, more wisdom, more softness

In the liminal space between opportunities

Discomfort paired with gratitude

All is unfolding perfectly

Trust the process

Find small joys

10 years

Thank You San Jose!

Posted on March 30, 2018 by jesalynjae

Three and a half years ago I found my way to San Jose. Just this week we moved back to San Diego. My husband and I took a leap for his job and decided to relocate to the land of tech opportunity. Much of the past few years have not unfolded the way we thought they might, but nonetheless it’s been perfect. As I close one chapter and step into another I would like to express my gratitude for the experience. I was born and raised in San Diego and had never lived anywhere else, so this was a big change for me. But San Jose delivered on many levels and made our time there sweet and memorable.

Some of the things that I will hold dear about this experience include:

The break I got to take from working. I was pretty burnt out when we moved and taking a year+ off of my social worker duties allowed me to heal and get back in with a lot more passion and heart.

My community! The first thing I did when I arrived was set up a meetup to gather women together. This started at my house, expanded to the local yoga studio and then turned into a podcast. Not only did I meet some of the most amazing women but I also solidified a new career path and passion. I am forever grateful to the goddesses I was graced with.

Yoga, all the yoga! The Bay Area definitely delivers in quality yoga classes and trainings. I was so blessed to get to participate in some rad yoga education opportunities. If you know me, you know learning is one of my favorite things and learn I definitely did.

The trees! When we first arrived I was in awe of all the different types of trees that the Bay offers. San Diego is somewhat limited to the palm varietal and a few eucalyptus so the beautiful trees were a real sight to me. Not only do you see trees everywhere you go but there are gorgeous state parks and natural reserves to explore. My husband and I went camping for the first time up there and also spent many weekends journeying around the area.

Our friends. We actually knew one couple up there from San Diego and I had some high school & college friends, but otherwise everyone we met came into our lives over these past few years. I crave social contact in the form of quality relationships and we met some really awesome folks. Fortunately most people are interested in visits to San Diego so I am looking forward to showing them all the good Mexican food 😉

Financial security and debt relief. Honestly money was one of the driving factors of our decision to move. My husband had a lot of school debt and felt capped in his earning potential in San Diego. So while we do not believe money solves everything, we knew alleviating some debt now would set us up for a better future. We were able to pay off my husband’s student loans (so huge!) and save to hopefully buy a house in San Diego. This is such a gift!

My husband. This one is not specific to San Jose but our time here did illuminate even more why I love this guy. We were not married yet when we first moved, so living in San Jose made me a wife. Also, it was at my husband’s absolute insistence that made me agree to take a break from working (I guess he was tired of stressed out crying Jesalyn) This allowed me to be a house wife for a time, which I actually liked quite a bit. It also allowed me to eventually find a job that I was really passionate about.

I never would have predicted that I would leave San Diego but I am so happy that I did. It reminded me how important family is (I missed everyone so much!) and not to take for granted all the wonders that exist in my hometown (delicious food and beautiful beaches are the two I missed the most!) And now I have a home away from home that I can visit.

Soul Work & Sacred Secrets

Posted on January 30, 2018 by jesalynjae

People tell me their secrets. And I’m not talking about in a hushed tone or drunken state, although that has happened too. I’m talking about the fact that I get paid to have people tell me what they haven’t told anyone else before. It’s weird really and sometimes I have to remind myself that this is the path I chose. It is not a coincidence that I hold the seat of the therapist. It was all by design and I try not to take it for granted.

Just so I am clear here, I don’t think secrets are all that helpful. The weight of carrying around something that needs to be said but never has been is heavy. But, life is complicated and there are many messages from parents, partners and most of all society that tell us to keep things to ourselves. Also, sometimes it’s not safe to share secrets or people do share and they are not believed. This needs to change and luckily a movement to do just that is rapidly building momentum. Look at the power that all the women (and men) coming forward with their secrets is creating. It’s amazing and it’s time.

But back to the secrets I get to hold. It struck me the other day when I heard for the hundredth or so time, “I have never told anyone this.” I always tell my clients and try to remember this myself: any work that you do on yourself whether within the walls of a therapist’s office, a yoga studio, out in Mother Nature or with your nose buried in a self help book is SACRED. It is the greatest work of the soul to say out loud what needs to be said, look at old patterns that aren’t working anymore, teach your body what it means to feel safe, and learn to love yourself along the way. Sharing these secrets is part of this process. The hope is that telling me is the catalyst for the rest of the process to emerge.

In hearing these secrets I am exposed to some of the most fucked up shit (that is indeed the clinical term for some of the bullshit human behavior I have encountered). I am talking abuse, violence, and neglect sometimes on a staggering scale. There is also the response to these things that starts out as adaptive and quickly moves into unhealthy. The addiction, self hatred, failed relationships, anger, deep pain and loss of self.

But for all the secrets and pain, I also get to witness the reclaiming of power, sense of purpose and magic that happens when the secrets are out and the healing can begin. It’s a precious place to be in the world: holding someone’s pain while seeing the light at the end of the tunnel before they ever can.

And I’m certainly not saying I have all the answers and that coming to therapy is like sliding down a rainbow on a unicorn. It can be rough and tumble and we all have human moments which means sometimes I say the wrong thing. But there is always room for repair and if I can show respect, understanding and leave judgement at the door we are good. For the most part I can do that and I feel super lucky to be on this path with so many others. Sometimes all we need is a witness and a cheerleader.

These people, the one who tell me their secrets. While I can never tell you who they actually are, they are the people we interact with on a regular basis. The people we work with and see in the grocery store and laugh with and play with. Rarely do the people in their immediate vicinity know the depth of their pain. Which means this is all of us. We are all working through the muck that is life while trying to remember and notice the beauty.

It’s also important to mention that the “fucked up shit” I have heard about was often an expression of pain. The wounded wound others and the cycle continues until someone can name it and break it. None of it is ok but it’s a helpful stance when the eventual work is forgiveness. Not for them but for us. Because as MLK Jr. so eloquently stated “I have decided to stick with love, hate is too great a burden to bear.”

I’m not sure what the conclusion of all of this is. It’s not meant to be an advertisement for therapy although as a therapist of course I would advocate seeking support if needed. More than anything I think it’s about the human condition and that we are all going through something. There are days when the last thing I want to do is hold someone else’s pain while I am feeling mine so deeply. But in that reality is the comfort that while I am witnessing my client I can also be holding myself in the process. And that is why I know everything is as it should be and I am right where I need to be.

Grounded & Fertile

Posted on December 31, 2016 by jesalynjae

My words for 2016 were Grounded & Fertile. I choose them ahead of time (or rather I think they choose me) and then I see how the year unfolds. I find this practice to be a wonderful way to reflect and set intention. Time is a funny thing and this post serves as a timepiece for my year and all that it has held. End of year rituals in any fashion are a sweet way to say goodbye to this year and usher in a new one.

Grounded

As a Capricorn, staying grounded is in my bones but at the same time I can find myself in the clouds if I’m not careful and conscious. Easily my biggest accomplishment in regards to this word this year was my meditation practice. I got consistent with it for the first time ever! It was a wonderful journey and I’m so grateful. I was excited to share with others as well but both my weekly meditation offering and meditation workshop were not well attended. With this particular “miss” my takeaway is that it was more about cultivating my own practice than sharing this year. In addition to getting more grounded in my meditation practice the Universe majorly tested my foundation when my husband left the very job that brought us to San Jose. It was not in our plans and it shook us both pretty hard. I know my practice was preparing me for that moment. Figuring out how to stay grounded when the earth beneath you becomes unsteady is the real practice. I got to practice that again with the results of the presidential election. My husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary this year and were reminded again and again about what it takes to be a team and how lucky we are to have each other. And we went camping for the first time in our relationship. We also explored some fun hiking spots getting grounded in nature. I taught the Reiki master level class for the first time and find that this practice as well as the students who show up are my constant reminder to stay grounded. My women’s circles continued to grow this year and I found the times I was leading those to be when I felt most grounded in my body and in my life purpose. I also took the seat of therapist once again which requires a great deal of grounding and presence.

Fertile

While it is by no means a secret, I also don’t share much about the fact that my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for several years; longer than I ever imagined it would take. I hope to write more about it one day but for now it’s just too painful and I often find commentary from others (however well meaning) is rarely helpful. I really did think this would be the year and so it was not a coincidence that I chose this word for 2016. And while unfortunately this was not the year I would conceive a child, 2016 proved to be amazingly fertile with ideas, inspiration, experiences and projects. I started a podcast and recently got it on iTunes (hooray!) as well as created a separate website for Wildish Wise Women. I hosted packed women’s circles and invited friends to co-facilitate with me to share their gifts. I lead my first yoga retreat with some wonderful women. I shared much more of my yoga life on social media via a few Instagram challenges including one I co-hosted. Some articles I wrote were published online and I got to share my love of the chakra system in a monthly series at the prAna store in Palo Alto. The community that I continue to co-create in my new home is rich with wonderful people. My husband and I hosted a gathering in the Spring and we had our first annual Friendsgiving. In addition to teaching several Reiki classes of all levels, I also invited people to a Reiki share night on a couple of occasions. The healing energy that is created when people come together to raise the vibration is so ripe with possibility. I let my body be a canvas in my first ever body painting experience. I traveled to China and experienced not only a new culture but also a powerful healing practice. And I got 2 new jobs and was reminded of the fertility and flexibility of the career I chose.

Of course there was a lot of darkness to 2016; it was NOT an easy year! My grounding was tested many times and I know it’s not the last time. I plan to stay dedicated to my practices as much as possible and look forward to 2017. My words for the new year are Abundant and Held. Wishing you all that you hope for in 2017!

My best 9 on Instagram – apparently naked photos get more likes 😉

Hired!

Posted on July 28, 2016 by jesalynjae

I’ve always said as a social worker that I will be able to find a job no matter the economy or location. It may not be the best paying or most desirable but there will always be work. With that said, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started a job search last month. Mental health care is always needed in many different ways but maybe it wouldn’t be so easy.

Luckily, not only did I get a job that almost perfectly fits my needs but I also got offers on a few other jobs that were not so perfect. I actually turned down a position and declined an interview for another one. That’s a first for me.

I’m happy to report that I am joining a local private practice Bay Area Mental Health that offers individual and group therapy with a focus on healing trauma. I started seeing clients this week.

I feel compelled to share this news for two reasons.

One because I quite emphatically said I didn’t expect I would go back into therapy. But after some soul searching and reflection I decided it’s my path to help people in this way. I have the skills and I value this work. It is sacred work. And one of my goals in this life is to find sacred spaces and sacred moments as often as possible. It is an honor to support people in embracing their best life.

And two because I am humbled and grateful to be in this position. I haven’t been working much and I really haven’t had to. I know this is a very unique situation to be in. I have definitely had to take the first job offered to me in the past and to be able to be choosy this time around is a huge gift.

I don’t know what the future holds but for now I am happy to be of service and to be back doing this work. It is an honor to sit in front of someone who is willing to share their life, including their pain and their joy, with you.

Memories of May

Posted on May 31, 2016 by jesalynjae

The month of May brought with it several anniversaries and some bittersweet memories. Four years ago this month I became a Reiki master and eight years ago I completed my masters degree and added MSW after my name.

I celebrated my Reiki master anniversary by teaching a level 2 class to some lovely healers. There aren’t enough words to describe how much it means to me to share this technique with others and it was a perfect way to commemorate this milestone. Reiki has brought so much love, healing and connection into my life. I am proud to have a growing group of students who are doing great work in the world.

In reflecting on my social work career, I find myself missing my college days (because really who doesn’t?!) but also my clients and the relationship I had with them.

At my first internship I was afraid to hang out with the clients in the milieu. What would I say to them? I also remember being totally baffled when someone said they forgot a client’s name and then laughing to myself when it was me forgetting. Yes, we establish close relationships with these people but we are human. And honestly some clients are more memorable than others.

It’s an honor to do this work though and it has been filled with moments of tenderness. I have sat and cried with a client who just lost her father. Another whose dog died suddenly. I have kept small keepsakes made or given to me by clients, I still wonder how many of them are doing and I remember the birthday of a client who died each year.

Professional boundaries keep us from being able to stay in touch, but it doesn’t mean we don’t remember the connections we have made which often happen in a persons most vulnerable times in life. We sometimes spend more time with our clients than we do with our own family and close friends.

I’ve been out of the social work game for some time now and I don’t know if I’ll go back. But I do miss the deep connections I made and that I got to be there for so many people when they needed support and comfort. I can only hope maybe they think of me from time to time too. And not even me per se, but something I shared with them or the feeling they had of being accepted and understood.

Everyone Looks Beautiful in Savasana

Posted on May 30, 2015 by jesalynjae

This last week I taught my first yoga class as a volunteer for a local mental health and social services agency. I was so happy to have the time and energy to be able to give back to people who do work that I know first hand can be extremely stressful. In fact, I had long lost my ability to give back more than what was required for my job and it was really affecting me. When I first got out of grad school I was full of passion and excitement to make a difference in the world. That included giving back to my coworkers and going out of my way to make the workplace more nourishing, Over time the work got to me and I didn’t like the bitter, jaded person I was becoming. I’m honestly not sure if I was cut out for the work I was doing, but from a very young age I have always wanted to help people and make a difference. I’m so grateful that I can now use yoga to help others. And in turn help myself connect back to the energy of giving. My favorite part is looking at the softened faces of my students as they relax into the final resting pose.

I Do….And I Don’t

Posted on March 24, 2015 by jesalynjae

One week from today I am getting married! Who knew I would be so excited about something I wasn’t even sure I wanted. My opinion about marriage has varied over the years; much of the time I didn’t think it was for me. Mostly out of fear that it would end in divorce like my parents and so many others. But after 6 happy years with my man, a lot of heart healing and soul searching, and a few serendipitous events, I am thrilled to be saying yes to the institution of marriage. Don’t get me wrong, we will still do things our way which is usually far from traditional. Starting with a small family ceremony where I will be wearing every color but white.

I also recently came to the conclusion that I don’t want to do therapy anymore, at least not the way I had been doing it. It feels like a breakup of epic proportions. This truth hit me during a yoga class and my eyes immediately filled with tears. It is no surprise to me that anytime I look at job postings for hospital work, it makes me feel like I’m having trauma flashbacks. I knew my last job was really dragging me down; hell everyone knew it. But, I’m talking I don’t even want to do the private practice work that actually was nourishing. I decided not to renew my membership to the National Association of Social Workers. The thing is I still stand by the mission and core values of the Social Work profession and yet I’m turning in my social worker card.

The end of my single life will be replaced by the beginning of a new adventure of wedded bliss. What I thought was the destination to my career path turns out to only be a springboard into the unknown. One feels exciting and love-drenched while the other feels scary but ripe with opportunity. I honor them both as they have shown up in my life and trust that the unfolding will be perfect. Death and Re-birth are all part of the cycle of life. I call upon the courage to let die what needs to die in order to make room for new growth. Just like nature brings forth new life after the bleak of winter, I can’t wait to see the beauty of what blooms.