Category Archives: Student

End of Life Lessons

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I work in Hospice now. The subject of death, dying and grief is a new but regular experience for me. If you had told me 10 years ago, at the very beginning of my career, that I would be doing this work, I would not have believed you. It was last on my list, just under working with older adults with mental illness which ended up being my first job out of school.

It was too difficult, too sad, and how could I ever be able to sit with someone in the most difficult time and still be effective. It took 10 years, but my perspective shifted and so when the time came for me to get a new job in San Diego I applied for the Hospice position.

At four months into this new area of social work I can honestly say that I like it quite a bit. I love to be a student of new things and I am certainly learning a lot. But way more than the knowledge of what to expect in the last stage of life, I am moved by the people, the stories, the connection.

And really in the end, the people is why I became a social worker in the first place. We are all humans having different experiences in our time here on Earth and deep connection is what brings us together. I love that I get to be with people when things are hard. But interestingly, for some the end is not as difficult as you might think. Their last stage of the life journey is welcome and peaceful. I get a peek into that sacred part of people’s lives and just as watching life come into this world, watching one go is an honor.

What I am learning is not really any different than what I already know to be true. Life is what you make of it and even in the end things can be joyful, humorous, lighthearted and full of love. It’s not to say that there isn’t sadness, anger, grief and despair; that’s there too. But, just like life, death brings a mixed bag of emotions and experiences. It’s not just one thing but many and the sum of those parts make for a beautiful and for me spiritual experience.

I Found God On My Yoga Mat

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I didn’t grow up religious. The rare church service I attended was with family or friends and it always seemed strange to me. We talked very little of God in my house. I didn’t pray. I knew I believed in something but it was not a well developed idea.

I found yoga when I was 17. It challenged me and made me curious. What was going on in my body and in my energy system I wondered. Why do I feel such bliss at the end?

I found God on my yoga mat in a Seane Corn class maybe 8 years ago. She asked us to call in the God of our own unique understanding. That was a game changer for me. I cried big alligator tears. Tears of truth and of love. I get to decide who God is to me? God was on my mat in that moment, God was in me and all around me.

A few years after that I went to New Hampshire on a whim for a weekend of kirtan (something I knew very little about) That first night I was moved the way I had seen people moved to tears singing hymns in church. This was a completely new feeling for me but it felt right.

There was such freedom in exploring a definition of God that transcended what I had been told. God didn’t have to be relegated to church or Bible stories. The word God actually made me uncomfortable for many years. I cringed when people mentioned God, religion or prayer.

Now I regularly seek divinity in all things. God can be found in the crispness of the early morning air, a beautiful flower or hummingbird. in the sweet kisses my husband gives me or in the sun setting over the ocean. And most especially on my mat when it’s just my practice, my body and the God of my choosing.

Off the Mat into the World training where I got to tell Seane (middle) that she brought God into my yoga.

Memories of May

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The month of May brought with it several anniversaries and some bittersweet memories. Four years ago this month I became a Reiki master and eight years ago I completed my masters degree and added MSW after my name.

I celebrated my Reiki master anniversary by teaching a level 2 class to some lovely healers. There aren’t enough words to describe how much it means to me to share this technique with others and it was a perfect way to commemorate this milestone. Reiki has brought so much love, healing and connection into my life. I am proud to have a growing group of students who are doing great work in the world.

In reflecting on my social work career, I find myself missing my college days (because really who doesn’t?!) but also my clients and the relationship I had with them.

At my first internship I was afraid to hang out with the clients in the milieu. What would I say to them? I also remember being totally baffled when someone said they forgot a client’s name and then laughing to myself when it was me forgetting. Yes, we establish close relationships with these people but we are human. And honestly some clients are more memorable than others.

It’s an honor to do this work though and it has been filled with moments of tenderness. I have sat and cried with a client who just lost her father. Another whose dog died suddenly. I have kept small keepsakes made or given to me by clients, I still wonder how many of them are doing and I remember the birthday of a client who died each year.

Professional boundaries keep us from being able to stay in touch, but it doesn’t mean we don’t remember the connections we have made which often happen in a persons most vulnerable times in life. We sometimes spend more time with our clients than we do with our own family and close friends.

I’ve been out of the social work game for some time now and I don’t know if I’ll go back. But I do miss the deep connections I made and that I got to be there for so many people when they needed support and comfort. I can only hope maybe they think of me from time to time too. And not even me per se, but something I shared with them or the feeling they had of being accepted and understood.

The Myth of Mastery

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This past weekend I had the pleasure of teaching my first Reiki Master class. I’ve been teaching Levels 1 & 2 since 2012 and I have come across so many wonderful souls on this journey. It is one of my greatest joys in life to share this healing technique with those who are interested. When I was young I wanted to be a teacher, mostly because I loved learning and I admired my teachers. And while my original intent was to be a school teacher, this role of teaching has morphed into many different things, one of them being sharing and teaching Reiki.

I knew in my heart I wanted to teach the master level at some point but I never felt enough mastery to justify it. As with most of the things I have interest in, I feel I could go a lifetime and not understand it all. Lucky for me the universe sent me all the right signs that I was in fact ready and to get my butt in gear. And so it was that I had the most beautiful weekend with 5 other healers on the path.

The thing I struggled with the most, was that because Reiki has been passed down over the years, there are variations on the teachings. I wanted to share the most authentic, closest to source information available but damned if I could figure out what that was. Usui (the founder of this kind of Reiki) lived long ago and there are not many people who truly know what he was offering. Especially since it is widely known that Takata, the women responsible for bringing it to the West, took liberties of her own. I agonized over what was right and what was wrong and second guessed a lot of it as I prepared for the training. After meditating, chatting with my Master and asking for guidance the message was clear “Teach what you learned, keep your intentions pure and your heart and mind open.” And the much needed reminder that this path of being a Master is not about knowing it all but about showing up to the practice and being dedicated to ongoing learning.

Did I know absolutely everything I needed to know? Not really. Did I have the most authentic version of the teachings? No one will ever know. Did I show up fully and share with my whole heart? Absolutely. And did my students learn something new that they can now share with others? You’re damn right they did!

The weekend was more than just about the Reiki Master teachings. It was about embracing ourselves just as we are, taking such good care of ourselves on a regular basis and answering the call to share as much love and healing with others as we can muster. That is true dedication to mastery.  And as the Dalai Lama says,

“The planet does not need more ‘successful people.’ The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds”

Reiki master class photo

Art of Attention

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Earlier this week I got to spend three days with Elena Brower in her Art of Attention Teacher Enhancement Module. She first came onto my radar about 5 years ago at Wanderlust in Squaw Valley. It was clear she was bringing something special to the table and I have continued to follow her and be inspired by her work. I know I will be unpacking the wisdom that she shared over the coming weeks, months and maybe even years but here are some of the stand out gems.

Throughout the three days Elena returned again and again to the simple but profound idea that we have to practice what it is we are seeking. If we want more trust in life, learn how to trust ourselves. If we want to become better teachers, be better students. If we want those around us to act a certain way, lead the way as the example. If we worry about others judging us, stop judging others. If we want abundance in our lives, give abundantly. Remarkably simple but monumentally profound.

Cultivating our own practices was of utmost important to her. What we share with others we must first do ourselves. She implored us all to get serious about our meditation practice and make it a non-negotiable part of our daily lives. I’ll be the first to say my meditation practice is inconsistent at best. I know the value of it and I have periods – sometimes even fairly long ones – where I am very on top of it. And then something gets in the way.

Writing at least one blog post per month is one of the few promises that I have made to myself and actually kept. Keeping a journal is another. I have been consistent in sharing something with the world each month for the past 31 months. It feels good and I am proud of myself. But there are too many other promises that have been broken and frankly the stakes are high. My daily practices determine how I show up in the world and ultimately my overall happiness in life. As Elena put it, “our happiness is our service” and so I recommit to my meditation practice first and foremost. 20 minutes of sitting each day to clear out the accumulation of hurt, doubt, fear, sadness and shitty thoughts.

My gratitude runs deep for some extremely potent teachings that have been passed on to me from Elena and many other gifted teachers. These gifts are largely unwrapped but not yet fully appreciated. They come together over time like pieces of a great puzzle. Sometimes duplicated but always fitting a little differently. I commit to diving in each chance I get so that I can always share from a place of experience.

Elena and I

Elena and I

Art of Attention family

Art of Attention family

Student Before Teacher Always

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Be the best student.

This recent advice from Elena Brower, a New York yoga teacher who I admire very much, has stayed with me over the week or so since I heard it. Luckily it’s not the first time such wisdom has been shared with me but it certainly does not hurt to hear it again and again. I love school, I love books and I love learning. I always have and I suspect I always will. Being a student comes naturally to me but the shadow side of this is that sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking I already learned something and don’t need to hear it again. I like to call this shadow side the “know-it-all Teacher’s Pet.” I suspect s/he lives in all of us but she can be particularly outspoken for me and I have to gently encourage her to soften and allow the “forever student, always curious” side to settle in. It’s gotten easier over the years as I mature and especially as I study new things that I know less and less about. But for me it’s a constant reminder. Even if I know a lot about something, there is always a new perspective to consider and new information to integrate.

I watched both my parents model this idea of always learning and I am extremely grateful to come from people who are always striving to be better. Neither of my parents graduated college but they showed me the value of education in so many other relevant ways. My dad was at risk of someone taking over his job every 3 years and so he always made sure he was on top of all the latest in his field. I accompanied him on a business trip once and he told me on one of his meeting breaks that he didn’t understand half of what they were talking about but he was so happy to be among people who were knowledgeable and successful. “If I learn even a little bit of what they have to offer, it will be worth it” he told me. My mom has been teaching Jazzercise for almost 20 years but she still takes other instructor’s classes to learn from them. She always notices something positive about what they have to offer, even if they botch the choreography or fail to give any safety tips (there’s also so much learning in seeing what not to do!). My mom also took me to classes at community college when I was little. I have fond memories of being with her in the classroom and on campus.

And as much as I have had positive examples of the forever student model, there are some who become comfortable in their flow and get stagnant. The “I’ve already learned it all” folks are dangerous because while they may already know a ton, their inability to be open to further learning is a recipe for disaster. These folks may or may not be easy to spot at first but eventually it’s clear they do not consider themselves in need of further learning and inquiry. And as Elena shared specifically related to yoga, if you don’t have your own practice and show up as a student first and foremost your students will know. You simply cannot be an effective teacher without also being willing to be a student. This is relevant on and off the mat for sure.

We are all human before any other label but we also share certain roles throughout life. We each embody both student and teacher at some point, sometimes at the same time. Even when I am technically in a teaching role I find myself learning so much. I smile as I confirm (I already suspected) that I have logged more hours in trainings than I have teaching yoga since my 200 hour certification. And as I prepare to lead a workshop in a few weeks I dive deep into learning and re-learning as much as I can so I can offer the best of what I know. Another beautiful gem from Elena was that “a good teacher shows you where to look but does not tell you what to see” So even if I think I know what I am teaching, it is up to the learner to absorb and integrate it in a way that works for them. May we all be forever students and share what we know only second to learning all that we can.

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For the love of books!