Whew! The first two months of the new year are already done and I am just now coming back to write about 2022. If I’m honest, these end of year reflections used to feel fun and something I looked forward to but I still feel like I haven’t fully processed 2020. As they say…time marches on and waits for no one, so the years keep flying by. In 2020, I was finally pregnant after years of infertility. I was looking forward to meeting my little one and having the new mom experience and all of that came to a screeching halt with COVID. I know everyone has a story about how their life was impacted by COVID and for many it was was more intense than my journey. My family has stayed mostly healthy these past years and in the best turn of events I could have imagined, I work from home and get to see my daughter all the time. It has not been without its challenges though and it’s hard when life has all but resumed without a second thought to so many changes that needed to be made on local, national and global levels.

But, that could be a post all on its own. 2022 definitely offered some unique challenges and blessings too.

Restore. It was my last year in my 30’s and I made time for some yoga (my first full uninterrupted class in 2+ years was on Mother’s Day) and got two massages. I had dreamed of having a massage after I had my daughter and I just never found a way to feel safe about doing that. I had 2 in two weeks time at the end of 2022 which was so so lovely and then I gifted one to my mom as well! We did some traveling as a family which is a new adventure in itself but was a nice way to unwind from the grind of being mostly home the past few years. I wish I could say my sleep was restored in 2022 (alas we did NOT get a sleeper) but I think there were a few shifts that gave me some longer stretches of deeper rest.

Strengthen. We all got the chance to strengthen both our immune systems and our ability to cope with disappointment. My daughter was eligible for the COVID vaccine which felt like a new lease on what had so far been a pretty restricted life. With the vaccine we opened our lives a bit and got lots of practice with sickness. COVID still hasn’t struck our house which feels mostly like luck at this point, but we did have a lot of fevers and colds. My mom immune system was stronger than I imagined and I was mostly the nurse and hardly the patient. We had to cancel a couple different plans/trips we had due to illness which was a new experience from our locked down life. My daughter didn’t know the difference one way or the other so the disappointment was mostly for me to navigate. A family health scare and my sister giving birth to her first child strengthened family bonds and made me more aware of the importance of family time. I’m happy to report that family member is mostly back to themselves and Aurora also loves spending time with her cousin.

My word for 2023 is Presence. It feels good and I have some ideas about how I want to live it. I guess it remains to be seen if I decide to write about it. This blog used to be a monthly touchstone for me in my life and in my business. Things have changed so dramatically that I no longer visit this space as often as I used to nor do I have the business goals I once had. I will definitely keep this page since I don’t know what the future holds but I am noticing the shift and feeling ok with it.

I haven’t been able to keep up my presence here like I did before becoming a parent (so it tracks that my May post is going out in June). In fact, most everything about my life has changed since bringing my daughter into the world. My whole world turned upside down almost 2 years ago while the world itself was on fire in both literal and figurative ways. Motherhood has offered the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and through it all I have also continued my work as a therapist. I can say with the utmost of confidence that we are all struggling in some way. If you don’t feel sad, anxious, or worried for the future you are likely not paying attention (but let’s face it numbing out can be an approach that protects us from difficult feelings as well) Fortunately life also shows us the other side of the emotional coin even in small ways and offers joy, connection and gratitude.

It’s been an interesting experience to navigate my own mental wellness while supporting not only my clients but also my daughter to find tools to regulate her emerging big emotions. We often take shared breaths and it warms my heart to hear her practice OMs with her hands in anjali mudra (hands together at the chest). The little girl inside me is finding healing through all of this as well. Offering my own child unconditional love and space to be who she is gives me permission to do the same. And then hopefully I can extend this to my clients. In honor of May being mental health month, please know struggling right now is the rule not the exception and it’s ok to not be ok. Find small moments of joy, offer yourself and others compassion and don’t forget to breathe!

Embrace Life was my theme for 2021. I usually spend a significant amount of time reflecting on the ending of this current year and focusing on hopes and wishes for the next one. This year has been just as much if not more of a doozy than 2020 when it comes to the weird and wild world of living during a pandemic and so that hasn’t happened…yet. I’m leaving this space open to return for further reflection after I get some sleep. I made it to watch the ball drop on the East Coast and I’m heading off to bed to rest before the baby wakes up.

2022 has come through for me with the words Restore and Strengthen. Sending that out into the Universe and will see how it comes back to me.

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It feels very 2021 to be returning to wrap up this year end post on 2/3/22. January was long and uncertain but February feels hopeful with a chance at another new year. The Lunar New Year recently passed and spring is just around the corner.

2021 did bring some passing moments of “Embracing Life” With the availability of vaccines and a better understanding of COVID, my family and I had more opportunities to connect with family and friends in person. We took a couple of small trips as a family, one of which was not so fun and the other was super lovely. My daughter turned one and my husband turned forty and we were able to celebrate both with outdoor parties. I feel that much of the life that was embraced included the day to day of being a new parent. Watching a little person grow and change is both wonderful and sad. It’s so fun to see my daughter grow and change and then I also deeply miss the little baby that she was. Sometimes life is just about taking a deep breath and soaking it all in.

And it would be a remiss recap of life if it didn’t also include some of the dark bits too. One of the more notable disappointments of 2021 was that a long-time teacher of mine and someone I had looked up to was called out as being abusive. I have considered Elena Brower a teacher and influencer of my practice for many years so when I saw the open letter that Tatum Fjerstad wrote to her about abuse she endured, my heart sank. I was so bummed but to be honest not surprised. I had witnessed small versions of what Tatum spoke to but I believe her experience wholeheartedly. It left me wondering what harm I have caused over the years and how I had considered her safe and inspiring.

Overall 2021 was kind to my family. We stayed well and have many blessings to be grateful for. But this pandemic has highlighted many of the ways in which we are all beholden to a way of life that might not work for folks much longer. I know I am often left asking myself if there is another way to not just exist but to thrive. I want that for my daughter and her future. I don’t know yet what that looks like but my curiosity and sense of adventure begs for an answer.

…this time is still so difficult. I love being a mom and right now teething and very little sleep are super tricky for all of us in our house. I am so lucky we are all healthy and now there’s another thing to worry about with this new variant. I am fortunate to work from home and switching from mom mode to therapist mode is clunky and weird most days. I am thankful beyond measure to have this baby I waited so long for and there’s so much grief that exists about the way she got here and all that I missed out on. Living in the both/and is the reality of this blessed life. Remembering to breathe and take in all the joy I can is what keeps me going.

I think we are all feeling the heaviness of the world right now. 2020 was a doozy and it really hasn’t let up. Between the pandemic, social injustice, climate crisis, political turmoil and a general feeling that everything is burning to the ground literally and figuratively.

Therapists make their work of holding space for the folks who come to see us. It’s one of the things I love most about this work. I suspect other therapists feel similarly. But, to be perfectly honest, the last 18+ months has really taken a toll.

It is unique in that we are also right in the thick of a super intense time. Therapists often work with clients who are going through things we are not. From mental illness, family issues, substance abuse and trauma, we often sit with things that are not currently present for us. But right now we are all living through one of the most challenging times of our lives.

The act of holding space takes a lot of mental, emotional and physical energy. Therapy is soul work, so the spiritual is certainly present as well. It’s why this work feels so sacred.

I can’t speak for all the therapist’s of the world but from where I sit and a few other fellow therapists I have spoken to, we still love our job and we care deeply for our clients but we are tired and overwhelmed in a way that we haven’t felt before.

We have tools and support and it is not our clients jobs to take care of us. But it feels worth noting that we are stumbling through this weird time along with you.

I feel so grateful to be able to support my clients during this time and it’s also exhausting. I want to feel hopeful for the future and some days feel pretty dreary. I’m learning new ways to cope and it’s also really heavy. The both/and dialectic is one of the things I love about life and therapy so that’s where I’ll hang out until further notice.

This topic has been on my mind for some time now. 2020 further brought to my attention something I had been feeling for awhile; not all wellness professionals are the same. Before I say more, let me first apologize for writing this before I have a complete grasp on my own feelings about this topic. It feels important for me to say something that might be incomplete than to say nothing at all.

I was introduced to yoga when I was 17. My maternal grandmother invited me to join her at the Y and I was hooked from the start. I loved it and the way it made my subtle body feel before I even knew what that was. I also watched the clock and felt that the 90 minute class went on forever. But I still wanted more of not just yoga but anything that made me feel connected to myself. In my twenties I found Healing Touch and Reiki. Cue more energy expanding and mind blowing experiences. I jumped in feet first (more likely heart first) to all things healing/spiritual/energy. I’ve since built this into my daily rhythm and my approach when it comes to my work as both therapist, yoga teacher and energy healing practitioner.

The list of “weird” or rather non mainstream things I have done and enjoyed as part of this community is long. Yoga festivals, ecstatic dance, healing sessions, drum/song circles, crystal healing, moon circles, essential oils, sweat lodge and certainly some things I am forgetting. And I’ve not just done this as a participant but as a facilitator as well. I taught Reiki for 8 years and loved it so much. I have had so many wonderful experiences teaching Reiki and my previous students are some of the most treasured humans in my life.

Here is where it gets a little sticky. At some point along the way (and I am still processing the details) I started feeling “icky” at many of these events. Where I used to feel like the folks in the room were “my people,” I was now left with a sense of judgement and distaste. Much of the language that I had been using myself now sounded inauthentic when coming from certain lips. It wasn’t across the board but it was happening often enough I started wondering if I was missing something. Why did these practices and people that opened me to some wonderful experiences start to make me feel like a stranger in the room?

January 2019 was the last time I taught a Reiki class. I had long been pulled to take a break from teaching but I resisted. I love to teach so much and found great fulfillment in that part of my life. But something was calling me to step back. At first I told myself it was my desire to start a family (something I had been trying to do for many years at that point) but the more I sat with it the more I realized that something didn’t feel right about me teaching an ancient Japanese healing technique. I love Reiki and energy healing and actually do my very best to honor where it came from. I know my knowledge of it is likely white washed because of the way it came to the west, but I always recognize the roots of the practice to the best of my knowledge. But still, it’s not my practice to share. Cultural Appropriation was just not something I knew anything about when I first started studying. I only knew that I was feeling more connected to myself and the Universe than I ever had before. I’m still untangling this dilemma and don’t know where I will land, but I’ve committed to learning more about what it means to decolonize my practices. This also includes teaching yoga, something I’m re-evaluating my participation in as well.

2020 was both a shit year and a year of illumination. As it turns out some of these so called wellness people also happened to be hard core Trumpers wrapped up in the absolute nonsense of the QAnon cult. My purpose here is not to share details about QAnon but there are some great articles out there that dive in to why many of the wellness/yoga people of the world fell for this particular brand of bullshit. Some of these same people are also at the helm of the anti-mask, COVID denying bunch. At first folks were subtle about their beliefs in this arena but as the election grew nearer and the pandemic raged on they got a lot louder. Shock and dismay were high on my list of reactions which resulted in immediate unfollows on social media and vows to no longer support or interact with these individuals.

I feel grateful that some of my absolute favorite teachers who I have had the good fortune of learning with in person were equally outspoken in the opposite direction. Folks like Seane Corn, Hala Khouri and Suzanne Sterling whose yoga has always been political were at the forefront of dispelling disinformation and Elena Brower (who is so well loved by me but had previously often been silent around these things) started using her voice and platform in a big way. But, a lightbulb moment came through a series of Facebook posts by former OBGYN turned spiritual writer and healer Lissa Rankin. I had long been a fan of hers but my esteem skyrocketed as she not only called out the dangers of the wellness QAnoners but also put a name to the pattern of spiritual bypassing that’s happening to cause this disconnect in the community.

I knew the definition and concept of spiritual bypassing but reading Lissa’s well thought out although never succinct (a girl after my own heart, she is not short on words) description of the role spiritual bypassing plays in the spiritual and wellness communities answered a lot of questions. I realized through her posts and my own self reflection that it was the “love and light,” “toxic positivity” and “good vibes only” folks who tainted the spiritual world for me. The ones who pushed away any negative emotions, spouted oneness and spirituality over anything else, didn’t recognize systemic racism, white privilege, or the stealing of and white washing of practices that left a bad taste in my mouth. And as I also found out some of these same people felt Trump was a light worker set to free us from underground evils that were being covered up by celebrities and politicians alike. That icky feeling I had been having started to make a little more sense.

My own spirituality definitely got its start with a strong sense of spiritual bypassing. Everything was so great when I found these practices that made me feel connected. I was all about the love and light and feeling that we were all one. And to be fair, I still believe this in theory. Of course I want us to recognize our inherent oneness and connection. But in reality our practices are not serving the wholeness of our community if we don’t also recognize the ways in which we are different. We are far from equal and in order to get to a place where all are considered and welcomed we have to make space for difficult emotions, harsh realities and the necessary actions that have to follow so that maybe one day we can all live as one.

Spiritual bypassing stopped working for me personally when my own life got more real and more difficult. A big way that this showed up was my long struggle with infertility. My husband and I started trying to get pregnant before we even got married. I had no idea the ride we were in for. It was one of the hardest things I have faced in this life and even now that I have my daughter, the pain still lingers. In the beginning, my meditation and yoga practices were a balm that soothed me but the longer things went on, the less helpful they seemed. I could only set intentions and work on manifesting myself as a mom for so many months (and years) in a row before it started to feel inauthentic. I also tried every holistic practice without even a glimmer of hope that anything was working. What ultimately got me pregnant was science, lots of time and money and some serious luck. I also happen to think acupuncture, diet, herbs and support from unseen helpers and guides played a part but those alone did not do the job. I could not use spirituality to bypass the heart break that was unexplained infertility.

What this means for my practices moving forward is a healthy dose of discernment. Not everyone engaged in wellness is the same or working toward the same goal. I have empathy for the part of myself that fell into spiritual bypassing tendencies. We all just want to feel good in life and sometimes ignoring difficult truths is one way to accomplish that. If we could all just meditate our way out of negative emotions and not have to be accountable for the ways in which our own behavior contributes to suffering I think we would all sign up for that. But, that’s not the reality of this world or this work. If one is truly called to share wellness and facilitate healing it has to include those folks on the margins, the ones who have been treated unfairly and who have limited access to resources. That includes those cast aside parts of ourselves as well.

So moving forward I will NOT assume just because you teach yoga/meditate/use crystals/talk about energy/do weird shit during the full moon that you and I are the same. Instead I will ask if your wellness includes Black Lives Matter, the LGBTQIA community, Cultural Appreciation and giving credit to indigenous individuals and communities. Do you consider and include the most vulnerable populations with your offerings and your decisions about your business? Does your wellness recognize your own privilege and the ways that it shows up in your work in the world? If the answer to these questions is no, then we are most definitely not the same kind of wellness professional.

Lean in was my focus for 2020. At the end of every year I choose two words that I want to focus on in the new year. I make my choice by seeing what intuitively comes to mind and as 2019 came to a close a phrase emerged. I think most of us can honestly say that no matter what anyone said or felt in 2019 about the new year ahead, no one could have imagined the whirlwind that 2020 would be. It’s a year I never thought I would experience in my lifetime both because of the pandemic and because I got to become a parent. For so many reasons it was the absolute best and also some of the worst.

I just looked up the phrase “lean in” and had no idea that there was a book with that title about women in business. I will have to check that out but from what I can tell after a quick Google search I have another meaning in mind.

For me leaning in has shown up mostly by way of the need to be flexible and to let the moment wash over me without backing away. To lean in to the discomfort of things and the expansion of others.

I leaned into a pregnancy that was challenging including letting go of having the perfect diet; most of the time bread and cheese were all that sounded good and stayed down (those berry and spinach smoothies did save me at the end though) I leaned into cancelled plans: our anniversary trip, family gatherings, my baby shower and blessingway. I leaned into a delivery that didn’t go to plan but also went perfectly because it brought me my sweet baby girl. I leaned into the weird way we have had to parent during a pandemic including wishing I could just have normal amounts of new parent anxiety. I continue to lean into the times when parenting feels strange, hard and unexpected. There are times I feel completely unprepared, unqualified and ineffective. Those times I have to lean into crying right along with my little one and asking for extra hugs from my husband. I leaned into changing course with my career after fully planning to return to my hospice job after maternity leave. I leaned into sleep deprivation like a champ I must say. It was one of my biggest fears about parenting and somehow you do just get through it. Lack of sleep has also made for some of our most funny interactions and misunderstandings as parents.

I have also leaned into the heart opening that occurs and expands daily by being a mom. Just when I think I have felt as much love as I can feel, my daughter changes and morphs into a little person I love even more. Leaning into parenthood means simultaneously being heart broken that she is growing so fast and being ridiculously excited for all the stages she has yet to reach. I have no choice but to lean into the bliss that is nursing her, playing with her, singing to her and just looking into her sweet face and eyes. As many times as I have been in tears about the difficult moments, multiply that by a few and you might get close to the times I have been bowled over by the fact that she chose me as her mama. Even as I lean into the love I feel for her it can still feel absolutely overwhelming. I lean into the expansion of watching my husband parent and how we get to navigate being a team in a whole new way. I leaned into an easeful transition from hospice social worker to virtual therapist. When I made the difficult decision to not return to my previous job I asked that something “easy” emerge so I leaned in fully when everything fell into place. Working from home requires some leaning in as well. From technology glitches to setting up my office space to navigating the challenges of being a working mom. I’ve already had to lean into disappointing people or cancelling on work to take care of her, something I know I will have to do many more times. I have a lot to say about society’s expectation for moms to successfully prioritize work and raising children equally and simultaneously but I’ll save that for another post.

Leaning in looks like gratitude as well. This year has collectively been the most difficult year I have seen in my lifetime but I also realize as the apt metaphor goes; we are all in the same storm but not all in the same boat. My little family and my greater family have all been very lucky to have jobs and safe places to live and so far our health. I know not all families can say that and I lean into the absolute privilege that has created the conditions for our “luck.” Leaning into my privilege also means I have the obligation not to forget those who are not so fortunate. This is an ongoing endeavor and one that requires constant reminders and action steps

As this year comes to a close with hopefully better days ahead, I lean into the change in power that is coming with great anticipation. I know the new administration will be a breath of fresh air, not because they are exactly what we need but because the leaders of the past four years have been so out of touch and full of hate. I lean into the reality that we still have a long way to go. I hope I can be part of the change and continue to question the status quo and demand more.

In 2021 I want to “Embrace Life” and damnit I hope that’s literal with some much needed hugs outside my small bubble.

I had a baby in June and haven’t been in this space since her arrival. It’s the first time that I haven’t done a monthly blog in the 7 years this website has existed. Normally that would give me anxiety but I gave myself grace to not have to create content while I was adjusting to motherhood. It turns out that was a good choice.

It’s been so wonderful and beautiful but also hard and so so time consuming. In fact, having and taking care of a baby is all consuming. It’s not any harder than I imagined but there are definitely things that have surprised me. Like how it could take me an hour and a half to write one email or that I would miss her while she was sleeping. And that I would savor the times that taking a shower was the only alone time I got all day but also be joyful beyond measure when she joined me after an especially epic diaper.

Having recently wrapped up the fourth trimester (the 3 months following birth) I am amazed how much things have changed with her. She lets me put her down for longer stretches, her awareness of her surroundings and smiles make for so much fun, and my brain is coming more online each day (baby brain is some serious business)

I hear a lot of moms talk about the mourning they felt for the woman they were before motherhood but I haven’t had that experience yet. I already felt like a mother during the long and sad years of infertility so having her here just makes me feel complete. Not in a, I could not be happy or fulfilled without her kind of way but more in the I now have someone to direct my mother archetype energy towards. She is here and I am all in for being her mother which is most definitely a 24/7 commitment. Maybe I’ll check in again during the toddler years 😉

I do feel loss for all the mom and baby yoga classes we will never attend, the breastfeeding support groups I will never sit in and the strange and complicated way family and friends have to interact with us. But more than anything the mourning I feel is for the world that is crumbling around us and the absolute unknown that is ahead. I hope and pray that this generation not only gets to make it to a ripe old age but that they will create a new world where science, empathy, compassion and humanity are at the forefront.

A letter to my unborn daughter in the month of her birth:

This is your birth month baby girl! If all goes to plan, we will meet you in 11 days. I can hardly believe you will soon be in my arms. I am excited and nervous and still mostly in disbelief. Even though we have wanted this for 6 years, it still doesn’t quite feel real. 
You are coming into the world during a very interesting time. I wish I could tell you all is peaceful. Even though you will likely learn about it when you are older, I always tell your dad I want to share the truth with you (he also says that means that I will be ruining your innocence but I disagree). We are in the midst of a worldwide pandemic which means you won’t get to meet the rest of your family right away. They are so excited for your arrival and so happy that your dad and I finally get to be parents. But because your little immune system will still be developing, they will have to meet you through our front window and over video chat until some time passes. That means your dad and I will have you all to ourselves for the first 2 weeks and more than likely for the first 2+ months as well. 
There are also lots of protests going on because people in power (mostly the police and government) think it’s ok to hurt and kill black people without repercussion. The current president does nothing to deter them (in fact he eggs it on) which obviously doesn’t help. I wish our leadership was different right now but this is the time we live in. It will be your dad and my job to talk openly about race, racism and white privilege in our house. You will be born with white privilege and unpacking generations of benefiting from systemic racism is a huge job. But, it’s worth it and is not something we can avoid just because it’s uncomfortable. I hope to teach you that growth requires discomfort and not to shy away from things just because they are difficult. We will learn and grow together since I know you will teach me just as much if not more than I could ever teach you. 
While I would love it if the public health and political climate were different upon your arrival, I trust that you know exactly what you are doing being born right now. I trust that we have waited this long because you were waiting for the perfect time to join our family. I trust that our lives are about to turn upside in the best way as we embark on the journey of parenthood that so many have done before us. 
I can’t even begin to imagine what it will be like to hold you for the first time. To look at your little face and examine the little life that has been growing in me these past months (I have a feeling I will be staring at you a lot!). This whole journey to get you Earthside has been one of the greatest challenges of my life but I suspect every last frustration, all the tears anxiety and uncertainty will feel completely worth it. 
Can’t wait to celebrate your birth-day!

We are still on this wild stay-at-home ride with no end in sight. After having such a hard time conceiving, I thought maybe pregnancy and birth would have some level of normalcy. It’s funny when the universe (and I believe this baby) has different plans. I’m trying to go with the flow and most days that works out. I honestly get very little done each day though. I am not a person who has tons of energy and is motivated to be productive during normal times. So add in pregnancy and a pandemic and I am pretty much just getting the bare minimum done. And that is ok! I think it’s important for people to understand that in times of stress there are those who take action and become super productive and there are others who slow down significantly and sometimes even shut down. We all cope differently and I don’t think this is the time to expect people to come out of this with a new hobby, job, project, etc. In addition to the stress of having no idea what the future looks like, there is also the heaviness of grief. We are all grieving the life we knew and had planned for ourselves. My baby shower this weekend has turned into a drive by the front of our house, I haven’t gotten to hug my mom or see the rest of my family for some time now and I’m guessing mom and baby groups and yoga classes are out once she gets here. I trust we are forging a new path that will have benefits we haven’t even considered yet and I also allow myself to feel sad about what I am missing. I will soon be birthing a baby but we are also collectively birthing a new way of being. I don’t know what it looks like but until we emerge you can find me in some version of the image below. Be gentle with yourself friends, we have never done this before.