Category Archives: Vulnerability

Cheers Wisdom

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It’s been three months since my husband and I moved back to San Diego. Catching up with family and friends and eating lots of good food has occupied our time. We have even gotten to see some San Jose friends who made the trip down for one reason or another. It finally feels real that we are home.

I was recently reminded of the importance of being seen and how settling that feels to my system. One Saturday night we went to a concert where a friend was playing. It was expected that we would run into people who also know this badass percussionist (check them out – Golden Hour) but I also encountered not one but two other friends from completely different areas of my life. The first time it happened it was sweet and unexpected, but during the warm embrace of the second encounter I was reminded that we do just want to go where everybody knows our name. At least I do.

For those of you who remember the series Cheers, the theme song lyrics stated “sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name….and they’re always glad you came” But the show was also known for a repeated scene when a regular customer would walk in and be greeted by a stereo of voices calling his name…”Norm!”

When I moved to San Jose it was one of the losses I felt most strongly when we first arrived. I didn’t know anyone. I considered it a great success when I ran into someone I knew from yoga at the grocery store. That simple act of recognition made my heart sing.

I realize this may not be the case for everyone. I’m first to admit that I have recognized someone I know in public and gone out of my way to not be seen by them. For some that may be a feeling they get across the board. There are multiple reasons why someone might not like to be seen but for me it creates a soothing feeling, a reassurance, a sense of community that goes a long way.

My heart aches for the families who are being separated at the border. To think about the impact of being torn from your caregivers and sent to a place where you see no familiar faces. I suspect the effects will be long lasting. I pray for their swift reunion and peace through the process. I also donated to organizations devoted to helping this cause. I wish I could do more or more importantly that it never happened in the first place.

Because the fact of the matter is, we are all connected. Ideally, each face we look into should mirror parts of ourselves. Even if we don’t see someone we know personally, their common humanity should shine back at us. I am certain this is where we come from on a soul level…I hope it’s where we are headed back to. For now I will enjoy the sweet bliss of the “Cheers effect” and make efforts to do the same for others.

Happy to be back by the ocean. SD beaches are the best!

Ecstatic Energy

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I woke up on Easter in a F U N K. I was sad to be away from family, I was frustrated with other things going on in my life and I couldn’t handle the icky feeling I had in my body. So I gathered myself and decided to do something about it. I told my sleeping husband I was going to go to Ecstatic Dance in Palo Alto. I had been meaning to go for awhile and I was certain it would help. I had to take some sort of action because if left in this state I would inevitably lash out at someone, mostly likely my husband. He doesn’t deserve that and frankly I didn’t deserve to feel the way I did either. And I tell my clients all the time to do something to move the energy in their body when they are feeling stuck or yuck.

As soon as I started moving my body I could feel a shift. My movements matched the music…at first slow and rhythmic…transitioning to faster and more irregular. The beauty of this format is that moving your body is key but you can do it any way you want. Very few rules and absence of judgement creates a lot of freedom. My breath became more at ease, my mind slowly unraveled the worries that plagued me. I couldn’t quite shake the sadness though.

I took a break on the perimeter of the dance floor and started to tear up and then started to cry. Wet, hot tears rolled down my cheeks and caught the attention of a fellow dancer. I had seen this woman come in. She entered the dance floor with confidence and had a striking presence about her. She walked towards me, made eye contact with me and then came behind me. She wrapped her arms around me, one arm on my belly and the other hand on my heart. She nuzzled herself in close to me and took long, slow, deep breaths peppered with big sighs and hmmms.

My mind had a lot of things to say about this encounter “this is weird, right?” “I don’t even know this ladies name” “what will other people think?” “what the hell is happening?” “should I tell her to stop?”

But ultimately my body won out. My body is what got me there that day and my body is what needed this healing. I could feel the energetic shift as a weight dissipated from my heart. My tears slowed and my whole body softened. I knew when our time together was done and so I met her gaze and thanked her with my eyes.

I felt more whole than when I arrived but I also felt so exposed and raw. It was a vulnerable moment for me and I wasn’t sure if I would tell anyone about it. I found myself keeping track of this mysterious goddess healer as she moved across the dance floor. Should I go to her again and offer more thanks or at least introduce myself.

Ultimately I decided that I got exactly what I came for whether I knew it or not. I left before it ended and did not see her again. I actually haven’t been back since. I had a nice time and would certainly join another dance in the future but it just hasn’t happened. My openness to the experience is what stuck with me. Had I stayed home I would have been a jerk to my husband and felt awful all day. But I said yes to a shift, said yes to myself and in the end received even more than I bargained for. May we all say yes to moving stuck energy through movement, connection and kindness.

Dancing Blog Art

Sorry, Not Sorry

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As a young adult I worked at the Del Mar Fair. It was a great summer job. You work everyday for the 20 or so days the fair is open with time in between work to enjoy the fun. I would plan out my daytime shifts so I could see the evening concerts I wanted, went often to say hello to the baby pigs and ate my fair share of deep fried and cheesy foods. I hold a lot of memories and life lessons from that time.

There was the time that I asked a man to see his ID for his credit card purchase and he said “My name is Inigo Montoya” to which I naturally replied “you killed my father prepare to die.” He was more than impressed with my knowledge of the reference.

The realization that many teachers were so underpaid that they needed to work the fair to earn extra money.

And the bicycle cop and man from the money room who flirted with me and made me feel special.

But of all the things that my young insecure self experienced, the one that sticks with me the most was this interaction with a customer. I went to give a man his change and not all of it landed in his hand. I sheepishly apologized as I fumbled with the coins. He looked me dead in the eye and said very seriously, “Don’t ever apologize too much in life” Taken aback I nearly squeaked “I’m sorry” but I caught myself just in time.

Since that time my awareness of all the times I apologize has increased. Frankly myself and many other women say it so often. Sometimes it seemed I was apologizing just for existing. It was almost an involuntary reflex. My ongoing work is to notice my “I’m sorrys” and to change my language. Offering up thank you instead of sorry is a useful tool I have learned. It’s certainly not perfect, but I am getting better.

So when I heard the young lady I work with apologize about seven times in one minute I cringed and remembered this lesson that was once bestowed upon me. She is just slightly older than I was during my fair days and likely just as insecure. I hesitated to say anything because it’s not really my place and maybe it would put her on the spot. But I sat uncomfortably thinking about what it might be like not to tell her also. I wavered back and forth and finally…

First I asked her if she didn’t mind getting unsolicited advice. Sure she said. Then I told her as sweetly as I could not to apologize too much in life. I shared with her my own process of understanding this and that it takes practice and awareness. I also told her my thank you trick. Her first reaction was that of slight embarrassment. Her body tensed and I think she even turned a little red. But as I shared my experience and admitted that I still don’t have it all figured out she softened. The spark of truth lit up inside her, she looked me in the eye and said thanks for sharing that.

Life’s too short to spend all your time apologizing. Unless of course you have screwed up. In that case, a heartfelt apology can go a long way and is most certainly warranted.

The Myth of Mastery

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This past weekend I had the pleasure of teaching my first Reiki Master class. I’ve been teaching Levels 1 & 2 since 2012 and I have come across so many wonderful souls on this journey. It is one of my greatest joys in life to share this healing technique with those who are interested. When I was young I wanted to be a teacher, mostly because I loved learning and I admired my teachers. And while my original intent was to be a school teacher, this role of teaching has morphed into many different things, one of them being sharing and teaching Reiki.

I knew in my heart I wanted to teach the master level at some point but I never felt enough mastery to justify it. As with most of the things I have interest in, I feel I could go a lifetime and not understand it all. Lucky for me the universe sent me all the right signs that I was in fact ready and to get my butt in gear. And so it was that I had the most beautiful weekend with 5 other healers on the path.

The thing I struggled with the most, was that because Reiki has been passed down over the years, there are variations on the teachings. I wanted to share the most authentic, closest to source information available but damned if I could figure out what that was. Usui (the founder of this kind of Reiki) lived long ago and there are not many people who truly know what he was offering. Especially since it is widely known that Takata, the women responsible for bringing it to the West, took liberties of her own. I agonized over what was right and what was wrong and second guessed a lot of it as I prepared for the training. After meditating, chatting with my Master and asking for guidance the message was clear “Teach what you learned, keep your intentions pure and your heart and mind open.” And the much needed reminder that this path of being a Master is not about knowing it all but about showing up to the practice and being dedicated to ongoing learning.

Did I know absolutely everything I needed to know? Not really. Did I have the most authentic version of the teachings? No one will ever know. Did I show up fully and share with my whole heart? Absolutely. And did my students learn something new that they can now share with others? You’re damn right they did!

The weekend was more than just about the Reiki Master teachings. It was about embracing ourselves just as we are, taking such good care of ourselves on a regular basis and answering the call to share as much love and healing with others as we can muster. That is true dedication to mastery.  And as the Dalai Lama says,

“The planet does not need more ‘successful people.’ The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds”

Reiki master class photo

Burning in My Own Flames

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“You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes”  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

This idea of burning in your own flame, facing and even embracing your shadow side, was one of the themes of a recent week long training I took. An experience in which I got naked in more ways than one that left me forever changed.

Transformation and the embrace of paradox are key components of Tantra yoga and as Sianna Sherman so wonderfully stated: “when we deny the shadow parts of ourselves, our prana goes rushing after them and we become fragmented”. So, we explored the shadow and sat with the discomfort that bubbled up to the surface like the warm water of the Esalen hot springs.

What’s interesting is that the work has only just begun. It’s in the homecoming that the path is forged and the commitment to transformation is called forth.  Showing up day after day is the challenge and the blessing.

Once the gates are open, the shadow comes flooding in and can extinguish the flame that I work so hard to burn brightly. Not dedicated enough, not brave enough, not spiritual enough, not likeable or cool enough, still judging where I shouldn’t despite all efforts to quell this unspiritual nastiness. Have I played the victim more times than I care to admit? Do I care more about what people think than I let on? Do I define myself by my limitations?

What if I honor all parts of myself and sit with the tension of the opposites? What if both are true at the same time? I’m both dedicated and lazy. I’m both brave and terrified. I’m both spiritual and disconnected. Cool and totally uncool. Judgmental and fully accepting. Strong woman and helpless victim. Each opposite coming together to weave the story of my life.

We are born out of darkness and the only way to reveal the light is to navigate the dark. And so the practice is what stokes the alchemical process of turning the lead to gold. Asana, mantra, mudra, meditation, breath. I return with a renewed sense of vigor for the practice including a 40 day sadhana (spiritual practice) of chanting to Lakshmi – Goddess of Abundance.

I vow to stay in the fire more than is comfortable in my yoga practice and in my life. To embody and then burn away the parts of myself that are keeping me from my most honest, true self.  Layer by layer of uncovering the dust that has been accumulated over a lifetime so that my deepest soul brilliance, my Shri can shine.

Om Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

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Esalen sunset

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Early morning “rainbow moon”

 

 

Occupying the Void

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I just moved to San Jose from San Diego, where I lived my whole life. I have been here 2 weeks today. Unpacking kept me pretty busy the first week but moving into the second week there has been less to do and more time to not do.

I’ve been reading “Spiritual Growth” by Sanaya Roman. It’s the third in a series and is one of those books that takes awhile for me to read because I read a little and then think about it, and hopefully integrate it into my life in some small way. Last week I read a chapter about the concept of ‘the void.’ She talks about the void being this space in between, where it may seem that you are doing nothing but actually you are doing so much. In the void there is a lot of letting go, expanding and preparing to soar to new heights. The void is about transition and opening up to different possibilities.

This really resonated with me. I am in the void right now. I am not working nor do I quite know what I want to do next. Don’t get me wrong, I do not feel we should identify ourselves by whether or not we are employed and where, but it was a big part of why I was recently feeling unfulfilled. For me, the void is also leaving behind all that I knew: friends, familiarity, family.

It doesn’t always feel that I am doing much on the outside but I am leaving behind a life that wasn’t serving me in some ways. I am allowing that life to fall away so that I can fully embrace whatever is next for me. I’m in a position of extremely good fortune in that I do not have to work or really do anything right away. I can embrace the void and see where it takes me. Trust me, it’s not always comfortable or easy but I am owning and occupying the void. And I am so grateful.

“Not-knowing can be the doorway to true knowing”
“Living in the void can be stimulating, challenging and expansive” Spiritual_Growth

Labor Day Lovespiration

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The inspirations for this blog always come from life. My life to be more specific, and often the themes and issues that I see in the lives of the people I work with. As we approach Labor Day and a wedding I will attend over the weekend, I can’t help but think of this little love story. Sometimes the hardest thing we do in life is let more love in.

3 years ago on Labor Day my partner and I decided to go to Seaport Village to play tourist in our own beautiful city. We walked around and then grabbed a snack but couldn’t find anywhere to sit. A couple offered for us to join them and we learned that their names were Pat and Kathy. He was a pilot for FedEx and was overjoyed that his wife was able to join him on a business trip for the first time ever. They told us about their kids and the wonderful life they had shared so far and then asked us about our relationship and if we planned to get married. My boyfriend spoke up and said “Oh, she doesn’t want to get married”

Pat shared that, like me, he had come from divorced parents and told Kathy from the start that he didn’t plan on marrying her. He said “we were together 5 years before we got married but I can honestly say marrying Kathy is the best decision I have ever made”  Cue the tears and the most tender “see it wouldn’t be so bad” look from my love. It was a special moment that I didn’t know would get even better. You could tell the couple was moved as well and Kathy said to Pat that it felt like a “vadeju.” She explained this to be a reverse dejavu and that once when they were our age they saw a cute older couple who had been together a long time. They both felt very inspired by this couple and hoped that one day they would be able to pay it forward. More tears. In fact, as many times as I have told this story I can’t do so without getting goosebumps and a little teary eyed.

We said our goodbyes, mentioned some things to do in San Diego and gave them our free zoo passes that we get for being members. As we walked away my boyfriend had the biggest grin on his face and I think he was sort of skipping (although that’s not terribly out of character) I told him he looked like he had won something. He promptly responded “Oh, I have!” You see, he knew as well as I did that they were placed in front of us for a reason. He barely even believed in that at the time but knew for certain that we were meant to meet them. Sometimes we wish we could find them and say thank you and maybe we will get to someday. But, more than anything we hope we get to inspire another couple down the road with our love and commitment.

My now fiance loves me more than I could ever explain but it has not always been easy for me to accept that love. It’s getting easier and easier and I definitely have Pat and Kathy to thank for that.

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Waterfall kissing in Ecuador

Teaching my Lessons

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The goal and mission of my business is to help people live their best life. To me this means living according to what you are passionate about and what brings you joy. This can come in the form of releasing past hurts or negative patterns, being assertive and speaking your truth, following your bliss, setting boundaries, and taking healthy risks. I find that often people need to be reminded that they absolutely deserve to live a good life and many times our work together is embracing this concept and allowing joy to flow.

It is very important to me to be authentic in my work and not to pretend that I have it all figured out. I tell clients that many of the lessons I share are ongoing ones for myself as well. Learning to see ourselves as perfectly imperfect is a concept I work with a lot for myself and for clients.

Let me be super clear and vulnerable here…I do not always feel that I am in alignment with my passion and joy and sometimes that sends me into a tailspin. The perfect example of this is my day job. I have worked for a psychiatric hospital for more than 3 1/2 years. It is a good job and I get to serve a population that really needs support. I cut back my hours as I built my business and have been part-time for about a year and a half. I know I do not want to be there forever (it’s a big organization with all the politics that come with that) and honestly thought I would have been able to quit by now. And, some days it is painful to be there. I have cried many times in my bosses office and in the arms of my supportive boyfriend about this. My boss is actually hugely supportive as well and will support me in whatever I do and I am so grateful for that.

My downward spiral goes something like this: I hate my job and being here lowers my mood and my vibration, it makes me mean and bitter and no one wants to be around someone who is mean and bitter. How am I supposed to help people live a joyful life if I can’t even leave a job I can’t stand? I’m a fake and a fraud and who would want to come see me to work on themselves? I should just quit and everything will work itself out… yes, I will quit… I’ll quit by such and such date. But I can’t do that, I won’t have enough money to live. I suck, life sucks!!!

As most of us know, that all happens in the span of a few seconds, but if I can take a breath, remember something I am grateful for, and put on my big girl panties I can see the bigger picture. I have come a long way and continue to actively expand my business which I love all of the time (for the record, I don’t hate my day job all of the time). I have already taken big risks and have been getting creative about where I am headed.  My ultimate goal is for my business to pay my bills (and then some!) and to be able to quit my day job. When I am fully in the bigger picture I know this is possible and I trust with all my heart that this is in my future. I trust myself and the universe and that all of this is part of my journey. I also know plenty of ways to raise my vibration and focus on joy so that I don’t stay caught in my downward shit storm spiral…some days I’m better at this than others.

And, the biggest reminder of all is… I DO NOT have to have it all figured out to help people! In fact, being in the position that I am now makes me more equipped to support people as they find the joyful life they deserve. My clients and I are often in the same boat and so I know exactly how they feel. I am teaching my own lessons and keeping it real along the way.