I had a baby in June and haven’t been in this space since her arrival. It’s the first time that I haven’t done a monthly blog in the 7 years this website has existed. Normally that would give me anxiety but I gave myself grace to not have to create content while I was adjusting to motherhood. It turns out that was a good choice.
It’s been so wonderful and beautiful but also hard and so so time consuming. In fact, having and taking care of a baby is all consuming. It’s not any harder than I imagined but there are definitely things that have surprised me. Like how it could take me an hour and a half to write one email or that I would miss her while she was sleeping. And that I would savor the times that taking a shower was the only alone time I got all day but also be joyful beyond measure when she joined me after an especially epic diaper.
Having recently wrapped up the fourth trimester (the 3 months following birth) I am amazed how much things have changed with her. She lets me put her down for longer stretches, her awareness of her surroundings and smiles make for so much fun, and my brain is coming more online each day (baby brain is some serious business)
I hear a lot of moms talk about the mourning they felt for the woman they were before motherhood but I haven’t had that experience yet. I already felt like a mother during the long and sad years of infertility so having her here just makes me feel complete. Not in a, I could not be happy or fulfilled without her kind of way but more in the I now have someone to direct my mother archetype energy towards. She is here and I am all in for being her mother which is most definitely a 24/7 commitment. Maybe I’ll check in again during the toddler years 😉
I do feel loss for all the mom and baby yoga classes we will never attend, the breastfeeding support groups I will never sit in and the strange and complicated way family and friends have to interact with us. But more than anything the mourning I feel is for the world that is crumbling around us and the absolute unknown that is ahead. I hope and pray that this generation not only gets to make it to a ripe old age but that they will create a new world where science, empathy, compassion and humanity are at the forefront.
